How Do You Discipline YOUR Kids?

by MrMoe 56 Replies latest jw friends

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  MrMoe

  Curious... how do you discipline your children and why? Spank or not to spank? Are your kids brats (and be honest here.)

  Most kids these days are mouthy snotty brats with zero manners, trust me I have a family of 5 with 3 kids living with me that is so uncouth... Their children are lacking in basic common courtesy skills, something I observe more and more in families everywhere.

  I think the issue lies with parents that lack a firm hand, but more importantly consistency!!!

  So, how do you discipline YOUR kids?

  

  Kisses,

  Moe
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  HomebutHiding

  Oh MOE! Don't get me started! My husband brought my ready-made family into the marrige with him. I am the not-so-proud stepmom of a 14 yr old boy, and a 10 yr old girl. they are so indulged, and I don't mean materially, necessarily. They are pampered, coddled, and made to feel they are smarter, better than other children. There are house rules, which are laughable, because they are never enforced. They both have a nasty habit of saying "I hate you." to any member of the family, Pop included. As long as they are being entertained, or bought for, they are happy. The minute the party int heir honor ends, the poor behavior starts up. My husband and I are in stepfamily therapy, which is helpful to the extent that it forces him to see issues he hasn't been able to see, even through me, but he still has trouble enforcing with any consistancy. And to think, we have several more yrs....teen yrs...of this! UGH!
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  safe4kids

  I beat mine regularly. I prefer a broad, flat, heavy paddle with holes in it. When that's not available, any switch with thorns, or other device (wooden, metal...doesn't matter) will work. It's necessary to leave marks on their bodies, as this helps remind them to behave or else. Just gotta be careful and make sure the marks aren't where others can see them, as these days, some bleedin' heart do-gooder will report conscientious parents (like me) at the drop of a hat.

  Oops, sorry, I got confused and blended MY childhood with that of my childrens'. No, I don't believe in hitting a child. How can I rationalize teaching my child not to hit (physically or verbally) by hitting them? Besides, I don't think that inflicting physical pain on a child is a very healthy way to discipline. My kids aren't brats (except when they're around me! ). They're very well behaved and I am often complimented on their good behavior and manners by teachers and their friends' parents. That's not to say that they are perfect kids, coz belieeeeeeeeeeeeeve me, they're not! They argue and fight with each other, and occasionally talk back to me...in short, pretty normal kids I think. I've found that what works with my kids is depriving them of something they value...video games, play time with friends, computer, TV, etc. I use grounding, time outs, "silence" and other alternatives to physical punishment. I'll let you know in a few years if it was effective

  Dana
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  HomebutHiding

  Dana, How old are they? We have the added difficulty of a mother who tries to interfere....the divorce, now 4 yrs old, won't die for her. Although she is remarried (had an affair with her boss which precipitated the divorce), she cannot leave my husband and me alone...and she uses the kids, of course. Makes enforcing rules and making a family difficult. We, too, get compliments from others about their behavior, which sadly means they act out just for us. Oh dear.
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  XandersEvilTwin

  Well, as a (mostly) youngin, I can only comment on the fresh memories of my own youth. My parents did both - grounding and spanking.

  I know I was spanked a lot. Can't remember particlar incidents, but I know it must have happened.

  To this day, however, I can remember a 9-week stretch in which I was grounded from EVERYTHING. No TV, no computer, no having friends over or going to parties. NOTHING. Why, you might ask? Well, see, I got a 'C' on a report card. Yup, in my parents house, when you got a 'C', you were grounded from EVERYTHING until you brought it up to an 'A' (the interim reports were good enough to ground you for the remaining 4-1/2 weeks if they had a 'C' on them, too, but not good enought to unground if an 'A' was on them...) Weren't allowed to do anything but study...

  So, I dunno, which form of discipline is better in the long term? I obviously learned from being spanked, and probably hated it at the time, but I don't remember any particular incident with crystal clarity a decade later.

  Honestly, I think the emotional abuse parents inflict in grounding (IE., telling their child in no uncertain way that their accomplishments or behavior is more important than they are as a person) leaves a much more lasting scar than moderate physical punishment.

  Perhaps 'grounding' in moderation, too? Not sure how much effect that would have on a modern kid, though. Cut out any form of entertainment, and they will find another just as interesting. Cut out ALL entertainment, though....
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  MrMoe

  HBH -

  I am the not-so-proud stepmom of a 14 yr old boy, and a 10 yr old girl. they are so indulged, and I don't mean materially, necessarily. They are pampered, coddled, and made to feel they are smarter, better than other children. There are house rules, which are laughable, because they are never enforced. They both have a nasty habit of saying "I hate you." to any member of the family, Pop included. ------- My husband and I are in stepfamily therapy, which is helpful to the extent that it forces him to see issues he hasn't been able to see, even through me, but he still has trouble enforcing with any consistency.

  Hun, I feel for you I really do. Hope all goes well with the therapy, but the kids won't improve until the hubby puts his foot down and demands respect. HUGS I FEEL FOR YOU I REALLY DO.

  My ex husband had a son that was my daughters age - 100% pure brat - I swear that kid was one of Satan's spawn. Mean spirited -- at 2 years of age I caught him chocking my daughter (also 2) with his hands wrapped around her throat literally snuffing my daughter OUT. This was from his real mother (what a joke she was) letting him watch wrestling on TV...You know what I did? I threw away all of his toys (not really threw them away I hid them... but he thought I threw them away - very effective) and he never laid a finger on her again.

  My ex dork would just sit there. Idiot. His mean little son had these public temper tantrums where he would kick and bite and claw people in the face, oh he was enough to make me file for divorce without the ex's BS. Strange enough, over time, this little step-son was an angel... but only for me. Why? Because I gave him good old fashioned butt whoopins and in-the-corner-time - THAT'S WHY!!!! And, when he did get in trouble I explained to him what he did wrong and why it was not acceptable. More than anything tho, he got a lot of love from me. I read to him at night before he went to bed, snuggled with him and took him to the park. Discipline with love.

  Mind you, my daughter is a kid, and when she is tired can be such a grump, but all in all I am very proud of her.

  I know I will be flamed for believing in spanking, but I don't care. Problem with kids these days is... gives 'em a nice swat on the butt to remind them of who is the boss!!! Mind you, spanking with me is very rare, but sometimes it is needed - but never ever in anger!!! If I am mad, I just walk away, count to 10 an re-group. The problems with spanking is it should never be done in anger, in fact you should never get angry with you kids.

  Here is my philosophy:

  1. Kids are not dumb so don't treat them like they are

  2. Stop caving in, you are the boss not your kids

  3. Have a heart and don't be too harsh

  4. Read to your kids, talk to them, show them love

  5. Be consistent with your yes and no -- a huge key factor here

  6. Communicate

  7. Teach them common manners and respect for others and themselves

  8. And if all else fails, for gawd's sake stop taking your brats in public... JUST JOKING

  

  Kisses,

  Moe
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  safe4kids

  Hi Home,

  My son will be 11 in Sept and my daughter is 9. Your situation sounds quite difficult and I think it's great that you and your hubby are going to counseling. You mention that the kids only "act out" at home, but you know, that's not necessarily a bad thing. It might very well mean that they trust you and their father enough to know that they can show their worst side and still be loved and accepted. I'm not saying that *is* the case, as I obviously have no way of knowing, but if they're being manipulated and poisoned by their mother, then they are dealing with some seriously heavy issues and perhaps your home is the only "safe" place they have to express their hurt, anger, grief, etc.

  I'm a pretty lenient parent (at least, compared to MY parents) but I have certain family rules that my kids know they break at their own peril. One of those is saying "I hate you". It is absolutely NOT allowed. I grew up in an environment where calling names, saying hurtful and angry things, were allowed, even modeled by our parents and so I refuse to allow it in my home now. I think it's a matter of identifying what's most important to you as parents, drawing up a plan of action, and then carefully and in detail explaining it to the kids. Of course, it then must be enforced to be effective, and heaven knows, I suck at "follow thru" but it's funny how things go so much more smoothly when I am consistent.

  Anyway, I know that step families are tough propositions but the issues can be navigated successfully. My hat's off to ya for having the courage to take it on; I'm not sure that I would be strong enough.

  Dana
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  Jewel

  We don't spank-I can count on one hand the times I've tried this with any one of the three kids-including spanking their hands as toddlers. We're pretty consistent and they respect us. So far, if we say "NO" it's been respected. We're thought of as pretty strict parents, I think. I always say that our advantage is that they got their strength of mind ("stubborness" has such negative connotations!) from us, but we've had more practice. I also say that, though we'll sometimes decide family issues by vote, when it comes right down to it our family isn't a democracy but a benevolent dual-dictatorship. Plus, we're pretty careful to NEVER undercut each other-I back him up even if I would have done something differently and vice versa.

  Things that are important to us-

  Teaching them proper social behavior: how to respond when introduced to another person-adult or child (one of my pet peeves-so many kids don't seem to know how to deal with this situation without being rude), not interrupting when conversing (tough one for them and me), dealing with people of various ages courteously, behavior in a variety of public places (libraries, restaurants, movie theaters, etc.)

  Integrity-unfortunately, this one has to be modeled, not lectured. Keeps us on our toes because we know they are always watching. It's MUCH harder to justify bad behavior to your child than to yourself. This is one way kids make parents better people.

  Work Ethic-see Integrity above.

  Are they perfect? Nope. We have sibling rivalries, attempts to "weasel" out of assigned chores, impetuousness, occasional attempts at back-talk etc. But I'm never ashamed of them in public and, no, they're not brats
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  safe4kids

  Xander,

  You said:

  Honestly, I think the emotional abuse parents inflict in grounding (IE., telling their child in no uncertain way that their accomplishments or behavior is more important than they are as a person)

  I'm not sure I understand what you mean here. Do you think that all grounding is emotional abuse? I'm curious, not attacking. I think ANY discipline, when it's carried to an extreme, is abusive. To me, being grounded for 9 weeks, simply for getting a C on a report card, is waaay extreme. I also think that linking the worth of a child to their behavior or accomplishments is abusive, but I don't get the connection that this occurs thru the use of grounding. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding what you meant?

  Moe, I wouldn't flame you or anyone else for using a parenting style different from mine. Cool thing is, we all have choices and have to figure out what fits with our own personal philosophies and our children, what is most effective for us as families. BTW, I thought your daughter was a well behaved little sweetheart.

  Dana
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  LB

  Moe you have good answers there. Being consistent is the key and it's also the most difficult thing to do because it takes an effort.

  I see an eviction process started with your tenants in the near future.