After physio today, I got on the bus to head home. In a sleepy daze, I walked down the aisle looking for a seat on the mostly full bus. My eyes then looked to the left and my heart went into the pit of my stomach. There was a man sitting alone in the seat, and I sat one behind him, but to the right. I watched him read his magazine, and as I watched, my life flashed before my eyes.
It was my father. I haven't seen him in 10 years. He didn't see me though I doubt he would recognize me. He has aged well and is still a good looking man. He's much thinner mind you, and bald on the top. His hair still shows the blonde he always was. He looked through his glasses the way he always did. On his left hand he wore a gold wedding band on his middle finger. I suspect it's from Mom. He never got over her, and to this day, will get drunk and call her at 3 in the morning.
My first reaction, to my surprise, was that I wanted to run over and hug him and tell him about my daughter graduating and me going back to school. I couldn't believe this. This, monster from my childhood, who beat the crap out of my mother in front of me, who abused animals and myself - was sitting on the same bus and I wanted to cry out 'DAD!'. For those who don't already know, my father always hated me, especially after my brother was run over by a streetcleaner. (I was 3, my brother was 5). Dad always said it should've been me. He made repeated attempts to kill me over the years. He promised that I would be dead by the time I was 30. Just before my 30th birthday, there were phone calls at odd hours; people would call my mother looking for me and cars would pull up to the house and creep by. (none of these were isolated incidents and were reported to the police) My husband got a gun and sawed it off and had special bullets made. But I'm still here. (whew)
Yet after all he did, my heart is missing a father SO much that I just wanted to hug him and say hi. He is my father. I have his hair, his eyes, and his skin. I have his intellectual attributes and I find myself watching the type of programs he use to watch. It is inevitable that I would inherit some of him, and I am glad. My father was a great looking man who had smarts and a very socialable way about him. He will be remembered as a monster though. I wonder if the zero tolerance that is practiced today here in my province would've made a difference if it had been in place back then. It doesn't change the fact that my father hates me, and said so in open court. This is the man that at age 3, I was begging my mother to leave, and I was also actively looking for a new husband for her.
Father's Day has just passed us by for another year. I ache each year for that unfillable void in my life. I sometimes think about advertising for an adoptive father. I never had a chance to get to know my step-dad, as he died 5mths after he and mom were married.
I want all you Dad's to realize how crucial your roll is in the life of your children. Psychologists are finding out the magnitude of importance a father plays in a daughter's life. It is the first man she loves. Every man she has a relationship with, is attracted to, marries, will be formed on the kind of man her father was. Father's here, please NEVER call your daughters names, or threaten to throw them out if they get pregnant, or heave a fist in their face. Educate them lovingly; console them when they're hurting; find a way to spend time with them - MAKE and TAKE the time. Don't put them down for their ideas. No matter what happens, tell them you love them. People make mistakes, but people are not their mistakes. And for sons, psychologists have seen that how you treat their mother or women in general, affects the women they choose, and how they treat them.
I am speaking as a daughter who longs to have a Dad in her life. So many think that the girls need their moms and the boys just need their dads. This is false to the core. My father messed me up and it's taken years of therapy to come to terms with. While you don't molest or beat your kids, words can be scathing weapons. The hurt goes unseen and bubbles up later. Think before you speak or act. If you have difficulty communicating with them, get everyone into counselling and learn how. It's THAT important. When it comes to self-esteem and family - your comfort level comes last. (that's for moms and dads)
Your little, preteen and teenaged treasures need you. Don't let time fly by before you act. Before you know it, they are grown and gone - or they are dead by some unforeseen occurance. I'm begging you to be the kind of man that you want them to marry. Be their Dad no matter what - unconditionally. Don't make them grow up with holes in their hearts and then voids in their life. You are crucial to their well being. This is for Step-Dads as well as Dads.
really, I'm begging you,
Mimilly
