How crucial Dad's are for daughters.... (page 2)

Solace

That is so awful. No child should have ever gone through that kind of torment. I cant imagine someone being so cruel and hateful to their own child. I think in certain situations everyone is better off when the abusive person is out of the picture.

I grew up without my father. He left just before I was born. My mother and father were very young when they married and not very responsible so I cant say that I hold anything against him. When I was sending out my wedding invitations I was thinking about how small my side of the family was. Since I never knew or associated with my fathers family, I had never formed a relationship with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc from his side. I knew what city my grandparents lived in and I knew their names so I sent a wedding invitation along with a picture. Well, the wedding came and went without a word from him or his family. I wasnt bitter. Since I never knew them, it wasnt like I missed them being there or anything. About two weeks after the wedding I was in my apartment and the phone rang. I picked it up, and said hello. I heard a strangers voice on the other end, "Hi, This is your dad". He was crying but I just sat there in shock more or less. I had never called anyone "dad" in my entire life. The word seemed so foreign to me. He was very emotional and made arrangments to come and meet me. We met, it went well. No arguing, just conversation, catching up etc. He is still trying to form a relationship with me and my children. He writes and tells me all about himself and how he wishes he could change the past. His letters are signed, Love your Dad. I write Him and address him by his first name. No grudges, I just cant call him "dad" because he was never a father to me. I believe him and think he does regret what happend. He said the more time that went by, the harder it was for him to return and he would do anything to make it up to me. I now consider him a friend and thats about the extent of it. I cant imagine leaving my children but I guess everybodys situation is different.

Edited by - heaven on 20 June 2002 21:8:57

zenpunk

My father was an abusive man. We ended up not speaking for 17 years. Two months ago, when we were in the same room together alone, he broke down and cried, grabbed me and told me he was sorry. I always wondered if that moment would ever come and, if it did what I would say or do. I just hugged him really tight. I was instantly ready to forgive. We haven't spoken about that moment again and, it will be a long road before we could chat on the phone like father and daughter, but we can now speak to each other in social settings.

Solace

Zen,

I suppose anythings possible. I think as people get older they sometimes reflect on things. I believe people can change. I dont expect a fantastic father / daughter relationship with my father. Im not sure that he doesnt have higher expectations than I do though.

Gopher

Mimilly,

Thank you for sharing what must have been a difficult experience today. Your pleas for the fathers on this board to be a real dad have not gone unheard! Very eloquent, my friend.

Sentinel, you said

Some men are just not capable of giving the right kind of love

. To me if a man REFUSES to love his children, he is not really a man. If he is not capable, he needs to learn that capability. That's the difference between being a biological father and a real dad.

Heaven,

That is so sad -- that the wall exists between you and your father. However, it is rightfully the parent's responsibility to build the relationship with their children, and sadly he left a hole in your life by refusing to do so when you were younger. This experience tugs at me. I understand your reticence in addressing him as dad, although you recognize his fathership. But at least you have the love in your heart to extend the palm branch, that's a start. Best wishes for you, that the friendship with your father will continue growing.

Mim -- thanks again for a good post-Father's day post. I am so glad to have regular visitation to my 3-year old daughter who loves and needs me. It isn't the best situation, but there's regularity there and she knows she can count on me to be there for her.

Edited by - Gopher on 20 June 2002 22:12:16

simplesally

((((Mimily)))), My heart breaks for you and I understand you.

What you said about a girl's dad being her first love and all her other loves...... yes, I have heard that before and it rings true. My mom absolutely hates my husband because he looks similar, has many similar charactericstics and sooooooo reminds her of my dad.

My dad did a lot of stuff, but I have to remember that mostly he did it to my mom, and he was/is an alcoholic. I do know our dad loves us intently. My dad sacrificed so much for us and was a man who taught us to think. He didn't have double standards for boys/girls. He made sure we learned to water and snow ski and paid for lessons for years (we are considered expert skiers), he gave us tennis lessons, bowling lessons, we lived on our family ranch during the summer or up at the Lake, we had riding lessons and horses, traveled with school when my parents couldn't afford to go.

My dad still tells me I was his first love.......I know that its a good thing to have a fathers love in your life.

Mimilly

Thank you all for your experiences. They show how our father's actions or inaction affects us for a lifetime.

For those of you who heard your fathers say 'sorry' and 'i love you' - my heart is glad for you, and relieved for you. While you may have trouble accepting it, in the long run it is healing - it's something.

My father will never change. I'll never hear those words from him. It's fact. The prosecutor in the case called my father the sickest man he's ever seen in over 20years of being a district attorney. I believe that people choose their paths. He could have gotten help and have been a father. He chose to make me a scapegoat. On the bus today, I felt as though I was bleeding profusely. He's my biological father, but I'll never have a Dad. I will always have that void in my life. It isn't something that ever heals, and that is why I reached out to the fathers on this board - to remind them just how important they are, in every way.

I have the highest respect for fathers (and I definitely include step-dads)... it's all about a father figure - who treasure their children and don't hesitate to show it to them. It may get difficult during the teens, but that is when you all seek help - fast, and co-operate. Never be too proud to apologize without qualification if you mess up.

hugs, and many thanks for your kind words. I'm feeling a tad washed out, but will touch base with a few of you by email throughout the weekend. Seize the days Dads. Again, I beg you.

Mimilly

teenyuck

{{{{{mimilly}}}}} I am so sorry for you...you stated the case so eloquently.

I understand your pain. Completely.

Tina

Solace

Goph,

You are sweet. The situation is pretty sad I suppose, if you think about it. I have never been upset about it really. I guess you usually dont miss what you've never had in the first place ya' know? Kinda like Christmas huh?..

Thanks again.

Beck_Melbourne

Mimilly

Sorry to hear of your experiences as a child. You've had a rough journey...and despite your experience you come across as such a compassionate person.

Chin up possum.

Beck

happy man

Thanks fore your story, this show how difrent things can bee, i hav 5 kidds, and have always try to bee kind to them, never hitt them ore something like this, but i have now bigg problems widh two of my boys, who dont want to folow any ruels, and are more and less anarcists,drudliberals, this have made mee very sad, and i wonder why they bee like this, i have always lernd them to show respeckt and compasion,but this is anything who is far from them now, egoism is more the way. so as you see as a father i have been living and always try to help my boys, foor what,you say you love you fadher despite all bad thing he made to you, my boys ackt almost opposite, showing no gratitude at all, despite all help and love they have from ther father and mother.

I think the most important thing is ther one personalytie,you can never change that, even how nice and kind you are.

How crucial Dad's are for daughters....

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