WHY I STOPPED APOLOGISING FOR THE WATCHTOWER SOCIETY - PART 1
In response to requests for information on why I stopped being an apologist for the organisation, I have decided to write the following article. What is written is not meant to attack the beliefs of JWs, but rather to show why I personally came to the conclusion that I could no longer support the organisation. Please bear with me if my writing moves to and fro over subjects/events as my mind is fairly free-flowing and will take a diversion where I think necessary as things come to mind. Background The decision to stop apologising was not made due to some sudden change of mind, but rather it happened gradually as I became aware of more and more inconsistencies with the organisation. To be honest, although I had been experiencing internal conflict over certain aspects of the organisation, I still believed that the governing body was God's earthly representative and that I must remain 'loyal' to them. In fact, on top of what my religious superiors were teaching me, my traditional English upbringing hammered home the importance of good manners, respect for those in authority, and hatred for treachery. This, along with a fear of displeasing God, helped to prevent any childhood 'independant thinking' from making me question whether or not these men actually were representing God on earth.Although I did manage to find a few friends from among the members of one congregation of JWs in my late teens, by and large the restrictive atmosphere that pervaded among JWs and the admonition against 'bad associations' (which translated as anyone in 'the world') meant that I led a very lonely childhood. I had very little contact with my father, since he left home early in my childhood because (and I learned this only very recently from my mother) that he could not cope with the fact that my mother had become a JW - he had married this woman on the basis of who she was at the time, and had not bargained on her conversion to the ranks of a controversial 'sect'. As you can imagine, while being an unhappy situation to bear, it gave opportunity to think - a lot!
By the time I was in my early twenties, I had learned so many scriptures, absorbed so much society theology (including all sorts of applications of prophecy), and heard so much counsel on Christian behaviour, that the many years of mental cross-referencing of what I had been taught started to bring out psychological turbulence as I tried to settle the contradictions. Unfortunately, it was impossible, to me, to contemplate a life outside the organisation - the immediate future was wrapped up - paradise on earth (or heaven depending on one's class) for all 'loyal' witnesses, but a horrifying finale to the rest. What was I to do? Sure, one had the choice to leave the organisation, but that would make one like a terminally ill person who could die at any minute. Any friends I had were JWs - as were my sister and my mother - who would not be expected to associate with me should I leave the organisation. I was virtually incapable of relating socially to 'the world', and despised it so much that the likelihood of finding solace and a meaningful new life out there was virtually nil.
From early in my teens, being a young man of course, I developed quite an interest in girls! Where they had once been rather bothersome creatures, suddenly they (as well as the Bible) became worthy of study. Although my Bible training had given me a strong 'moral' base, I found that there was no fear of being seduced into immoral conduct because girls seemed to be interested only in 'normal' confident guys - something I definitely was not! I knew that it was 'wrong' to be interested in girls of the world, so I duly started looking within the congregations. That wasn't much of a success either. There were a few 'sisters' that I had friendships with, but my shyness prevented me from capturing their attention. It is ironic that with all the counsel on feminity and modesty, many of the young 'sisters' were in fact quite 'worldly' in what appeared to attract them to men. This shocked me somewhat, and added to the disillusionment I felt.
After a few years, I met a sister who has turned out to be the greatest thing that ever happened in my association with JWs. Her upbringing was similar to mine in many ways, yet quite different in others. I don't know what she thought of our courtship, as I refused to even so much as hold her hand, in case we did something we ought not. When we entered our marriage it was without knowing anything about shared sexual intimacy, so we had managed the ideal of a virgin marriage. Both of us had at the time been baptized publishers for several years.
Our marriage had many problems due to our unhappy childhoods, but we have survived and our love for each other is very strong. We have learned to adjust to each other and have along the way changed attitudes and expectations that were unreasonable. A great bonus to our lives have been our children. Although parenthood has proved extremely challenging and led to desperation many times, I don't regret their coming into the world. My wife is still committed to attending meetings and going out in 'field service' with one of the local congregations. She has a number of friends in the congregation, and I think for her it satisfies her need for social contact outside of the family. Whereas my wife is aware that I am unhappy with the way the organisation operates, she does not really know the specifics. I know my wife well enough to realise that certain subjects and views would unsettle her at this present time. Because of my sensitivity to the feelings and beliefs of JWs, I refuse to seek them out in order to discuss my views, and this includes web sites that are obviously designed for JWs 'loyal' to the organisation. I have not been an active congregation member for a number of years now, but that does not stop me from driving my wife to/from meetings when I can.
My marriage is very important to me, so I am very careful about my actions. About a year ago, I gave serious thought to officially disassociating myself. However, after further thought, I decided against it because I did not want my wife and family to suffer the inevitable shockwaves. I also felt that it would not be appropriate as I do not wish to disassociate myself from JWs, but rather from the Governing Body and its regime. I had a confrontation with my wife in which I was quite candid in my observations about the organisation. She responded quite angrily that she had married me on the basis of my being 'in the Lord'. I tried to reassure her by saying that my faith in Jehovah and Jesus Christ had not changed, nor had my core beliefs. Then she said something in the heat of the moment, but it revealed something that gives me great happiness: 'If it weren't for the fact that I loved you, I would leave you." Now note please that her saying she would leave me would be on the basis of just one thing, the fact that I no longer shared her view of the organisation. Oh how I agree now with a common cry I heard during my childhood that JWs broke up marriages. More precisely it was putting loyalty to a religious organisation (not God) ahead of natural family loyalties. It seems that a strong bond of love is necessary in these situtations.
Thank you for being patient with me in reading the foregoing. I thought it would be useful to provide you with a quick overview of my life as it relates to the organisation and JWs. There were details that I would like to have included, but I have to be careful how much information about me and my family I reveal in case someone who feels it their duty to 'turn me in' is able identify me. (To be continued...)