No honorable way out

by Perfection Seeker 14 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Oroborus21

  Unlike a lot of the JW bashing above, here are some helpful suggestions:

  The only succesful way (but expensive and a big hassle) is to move away (assuming you don't live in a small town) out of the congregation's territory and do not inform anyone, especially the secretary, of your new location. If you do wish to attend meetings occasionally you can choose a random hall but try not to choose the one that has your residence in its territory so that in the off chance they come to your house in the formal ministry they will not recognize you. With a change of telephone number, preferably unlisted, you will have effectively taken yourself off of the local radar.

  Dealing with your family is a more complicated matter.

  The only thing I can recommend is to have an honest talk with your mom (other family) and clearly state that they can either have a choice: to let you have your own relationship with (Jehovah) God on your own terms (and that you would appreciate it if they no longer gave you any guilt trips about it--use the you have to "make the truth your own" phrase) OR you can end up DF/DA'd again in which case they will have next to no contact with you so which of these two options would they prefer? (this may get them off of your back)

  If you can't move residences for whatever reason, if you have another congregation in your city, you can try "changing" congregations, if you are single you could use the excuse you are looking for a mate or use whatever excuse you want or just don't say anything. In any case if this is the option you go with, do have the new congregation's secretary request your publisher's card, so that officially your old congregation will considered you moved and you will be less likely to be bothered by the old friends. Your new hall might bother you occasionally but most likely as a stranger who comes once in a blue moon you are likely to be overlooked or ignored.

  --Eduardo
• 

  Perfection Seeker

  Thank you so much for your VERY helpful advice! Unfortunately- we just built a house & live 15 minutes from my family & the hall I grew up in. They have me pegged! I have had this talk with my mother- in fact I just told her yesterday the best thing about being disfellowshipped was not being in her claws & grasp & under her constant guilt. My mother NEVER lets up. The congregation has pretty much let me go- I mean- if i see them, some shun me- since I was reinstated then stopped going. Some try to encourage me- but for the most part- it is my mother. She is not a healthy mother- if you don't email her in the morning & at night- she has a hissy fit- and doesn't mind showing it! I've been to two therapists- and both have said it is not healthy how she is with her children. (I am married, 33 years old- still she "mothers" me) AND, I never brought up the witness stuff to either therapist- so they didn't even know the WHOLE story! My mother KNOWS how I feel- I told her the other day that I have a better relationship now than I did for 28 years sitting at the KH! She just can't get it through her head. My husband says stop trying to justify yourself to her, but this woman is powerful & knows all the buttons to push! My husband is pretty much here to stay with his job- but if he ever loses it- we will be SO far out of here- we'll leave tread marks across 3 states to get out of here! :-) The WHOLE problem is my dad died two years ago- so my ENTIRE family says "Dont you want to see your father again?" That pushes MAJOR buttons- and they know it. Sounds like from this board that time is the key- takes time to distance yourself, and time to figure out your own mental health is important, and not live a lie. I always tell my husband going to another church, and being HAPPY, but not be able to tell your family & be PROUD of FINDING god- its like being "in the closet" so to speak. Its hard- but for THEIR own good I don't tell them. It is all so sad. So many lives ruined. Since my ENTIRE family- over 40 members are ALL witnesses- do I "ruin" (or so they say) a "happy" family & tear them apart- to do what ONE of me needs & wants- or just go with the flow to please ALL of them? Its a no win situation but after over 15 years of wanting to leave- this website has given me MUCH strength & help. For that I am SO grateful! (Pass around the collection plate- I'm in! LOL) Thanks again! MElissa
• 

  Carmel

  Your're obviously a quality person and someone the JUU's see as a valued "resource" that they don't want to loose, otherwise they wouldn't bother you with so much attention. Consider that an asset as you will be able to easily use your personal assets to succeed in life, regardless of what your future choices be. I can only share that when I walked away, it was the best decision of my life and one that has been reinforced a thousand and nine times as the correct thing to do. Like many, I've had to give up a relationship with all my family and knowing that, I set out to find or create as many meaningful friendships as possible. It didn't take long and I can now say that those friendships are more "real" and meaningful than any blood relatives or "brothers and sister" (a laughable misnomer) in the cong could ever mean to me. I think it is forever true that friends are not friends because of identical religious views or because of blood ties. It is based on what some call "human values" but to me are what the term "spiritual" really means. Those you can trust, those that will put your concerns ahead of theirs, those that you would give your life for. That's what makes life rich and fulfilling.

  I wish the best for you and your journey.

  carmel
• 

  lofromchicago

  I used to get the "I want to see you in the New Order" speeches and guilt trips as well. And you know what, it got me to go back to the meetings a few times. But it wasn't for the right reasons. I want out of fear. What it came down to was that I still hadn't let go off some of the core belief systems in my heart, even though my mind knew it wasn't true. In my heart, I still believed that there was a possibility I would be destroyed in Armageddon and that my family and friends would live happily ever after without me. The concept of dying while not in God's favor, never to exist again, frightened me.

  Only after I started to uncover the small slivers of "Truth" that were still stuck in my heart did I realize the power they had over me, and why it was so easy for me to feel guilty about it. After reading other material about death, the soul, etc., I realized that know one knows 100% where we go after death, but that God (or whatever other word you'd like to use) is all loving and we do move on into another existence. After I recognized this, it was much easier to combat the love bombing techniques and eventually let those guilt trips go in one ear and out the other. It was also one of the major steps in moving forward in my life and spirituality. This wasn't easy, and it took time, but eventually it helped me to stop torturing myself. I could finally take an objective look at why they said the things they did, and realized that unconsciously they were programmed to react this way. Now, I feel more pity than anything when my family throws a guilt trip my way. In time, you'll learn to do the same.

  Hope this helps.
• 

  Scully

  Perfection Seeker:

  If you haven't already, please take a few minutes to read LadyLee's post on the topic of "Emotional Blackmail & the JWs"

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.asp?id=31197&site=3

  As you read it, you'll recognize a lot of your mother's behaviour falls into this category. Oh, BTW, JWs are very proficient in its use too.

  These people know how to find your "buttons" and will "push" them without let up if you don't put a stop to it.

  Whenever my own parents bring up something "encouraging" about service or meetings or talks or assemblies, I'm very frank in saying "I don't know why you think I need 'encouraging'. I'm quite happy, thank you." Or else, I'll make sure the conversation goes into the direction where they start bashing the Catholics for its pedophile priests. Then I'll ask my ministerial servant dad how the "two eyewitness rule" for DFing a JW who is a pedophile makes them any better than the Catholics, considering that pedophiles don't habitually gather an audience when they molest children. Shuts 'em up, but good!

  I guess what I'm getting at is that you probably know - deep deep down - something to say that will get your mother to back off. When you find it, use it until it sinks into your mom's brain that when she says ABC you come back with XYZ and it makes HER feel uncomfortable (guilty, stupid, ashamed, whatever). I'm not advocating using emotional blackmail like she does, but using FACTS to combat her own bad behaviour. You'll find lots of FACTS here - the JW pedophile scandal is the most recently noteworthy one - with which to refute your mother's guilt trips. Send her on one of her own! That may be the only way she'll learn to stop her manipulative behaviour.

  Love, Scully