Self esteem question (sorry, no boobs)

by safe4kids 31 Replies latest watchtower medical

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  safe4kids

  From what do you draw your self esteem, confidence, feelings of self worth etc.?

  Over the years, I've drawn mine from being a good JW , a good mom, a good friend, various jobs that I performed well in, and so on. But I've noticed that it changes with the times and I'm curious about what others use on which to build a foundation of self identity. Lately, my well seems to be a bit low; hopefully, that's just a temporary setback. Anyway, I'd like to hear what works for individuals so...c'mon...hit me!

  Dana
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  COMF

  Dana, it has to come from you yourself. It can't be from anybody else's expectations. First, you have to determine the set of standards of behavior you believe are right. Then, you live by them. By living up to your own expectations, you earn self-exteem and self-respect. Anything else, anything from outside, from someone else's set of standards, is not SELF-esteem.
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  MegaDude

  *Stands up and says "Amen Brother COMF!*

  Couldn't agree more.
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  safe4kids

  Comf,

  I agree that self esteem is an inside job and your points are well taken. Perhaps I could have chosen better words to express what I was trying to say. My thinking was that people draw positive feelings from their accomplishments, the things that they spend their time doing, and so on. A certain amount of our self identity is tied into jobs, family, hobbies, etc, which is why when a person suffers a job loss or goes thru a divorce, they can often find themselves depressed and suffering from lowered confidence in themselves.

  Perhaps a better question would be what gives you a measure of pride and personal satisfaction?

  Dana
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  LyinEyes

  It's late and my thinking may be foggy, as well as my sentence structure. So please bear with me.:)

  I am building my self esteem, by learning to like myself. Instead of obsessing about my weaknesses ( which are many) I really do try to tell myself, well you may lack in this area , but look how good you are in this area. Almost actually getting to know how I really am, without the WT to tell me what I should be as one of their christian sisters. You have to praise yourself, which is not easy when all your life you have been programmed to critize every little minor flaw you may have.

  Being a JW meant trying to reach some unreachable, unrealistic goal of being perfect. We were told we were not to wait for the new world to make all the changes we needed to in order to be favorable. No wonder we all felt so unhappy , we hated ourselves because we were always told we are not good enough. Case in point,,,,, I found an old check list someone had as a JW, it was like 50 or more things that you could check off that needed improvement. Stupid things, like more hours in the field, commenting in my own words, being more loving etc. I actually laughed at some of them.

  Wouldnt it have been better to have a positive check list... something attainable that meant something? But no, this piece of crap paper was circulated around the friends, so we could remember what pieces of crap we really were. Always room for improvement, you know. Utter bullcrap.

  It is a good feeling to start thinking about yourself in a positive way, not only mentally but physically too. I feel better, I dont have so many headaches as before. But I do know what ya mean, being a mother and having my kids tell me, or reassure me I am the "bestest" mama in the whole world, makes me beam. But of course , I have to beleive it , for it to really work!!! :)
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  onacruse

  THANKS! I needed someone to make me think about this. My self-esteem has taken several blows recently (df'd for final time 2 yrs ago, laid off 8 mos ago [still unemployed], diagnosed with severe iron-deficiency anemia 6 mos ago [recovering], separated 4 mos ago and divorced 2 mos ago [after 17 yrs married]). Really started feeling like a punching bag.

  Like COMF and LyinEyes said, I am learning (sometimes have to force myself) to think good things about myself: "love my neighbor as myself." But I can't do that solo at all well (being the good little socially maladjusted, self-flagellating JW that I have been for 40 yrs). I need folks like you to make me stop and look at my life from a different perspective.

  So, right now, I get a lot of personal pride and satisfaction from knowing I have the courage to face my need for change by giving (a little) to and receiving (a lot) from the folks on this board.

  I'm about to give myself another shot of this medicine, just as soon as I click the "reply to topic" button! Looking forward to the next dose :-)

  Craig
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  SpiceItUp

  I pride myself that I am a loyal,kind, compassionate friend.

  I am still working on other qualities that I know make me special...but its very hard to get an ego up sometimes.

  Good post (((((Dana)))))

  Spice
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  jack2

  Hi Dana,

  Excellent post; and the replies have been excellent too!

  When I served as an elder, I felt that almost all of my self-esteem issued from doing a good job with that. When I was removed, I felt a deep sense of loss and a lack of self-esteem. I felt that others in the congregation no longer respected me, though I am happy to say that my best friends in the congregation were good to me. But I had no one to discuss my feelings with.

  Also, spending decades as a jw, I also felt that much of my self-esteem issued from being a good jw. As a result, I often battled deep feelings of guilt for not measuring up.

  The removal was two years ago, and I have gradually worked on getting some self-esteem back, mainly by focusing on what I am able to do well and by making friends with people who do not judge me based on performance.

  Almost every time I walk into a KH though, the feeling of inadaquacy comes back. I battle it the whole time I am there, which makes it hard to attend on a regular basis. I used to be so busy doing so many things there: now I go, sit, and do nothing because I no longer meet their high standards for being "used". It's tough on the ol self-esteem, that's for sure. But when I am away from that atmosphere, I feel pretty good about myself overall.

  Thanks for the good post!

  Edited by - jack2 on 10 July 2002 9:33:3
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  safe4kids

  Hey (((Lyin)))

  You have to praise yourself, which is not easy when all your life you have been programmed to critize every little minor flaw you may have.

  Amen sister! I agree also with you that we have to focus on the positives, although that can be hard to do at times. Keep your chin up and thanks for your response, I always enjoy reading your posts.

  Onacruse, wow! Thanks for sharing part of your story. No wonder you feel like a punching bag; that's an awful lot of stuff to go thru in a relatively short period of time. And I'm also glad that you found this place, so you can get your daily dose of medicine If you would like to talk more, my email is open.

  Hiyas (((Spice))) I hear ya, sweetie, but know that your kindness and compassion come thru in your posts, as does your sense of humor. Hey, I'm looking forward to our girl's night out! That's still on right??

  Hey Jack Thanks for your response. You mentioned that at one time, you were always "busy" at the Hall, and how it felt not to be. It definitely is a social control thing, isn't it? Where you go from being 'a part of' to 'apart from'.

  I think that finding a way to fill the void that leaving the Borg creates (or any loss, for that matter) is important in feeling good about ourselves, something I haven't put the energy into that I need to.

  But when I am away from that atmosphere, I feel pretty good about myself overall.

  Here's hoping that you will be able to completely escape that atmosphere one day soon!

  Dana
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  SpiceItUp

  Hiyas (((Spice))) I hear ya, sweetie, but know that your kindness and compassion come thru in your posts, as does your sense of humor. Hey, I'm looking forward to our girl's night out! That's still on right??

  You betcha it is...I cant wait!!!! Ive already told Moe too.

  Spice