Will they disassociate me?

Sirona

Hi

My boyfriend was disgusted with the JWs after the panorama programme, and has decided to DA himself. None of his family are JW and he just simply does not want to be listed as a JW anymore.

Since we are known by the congregation to be together, will they DA or DF me for seeing him?

Bear in mind, neither of us have set foot in the KH for a couple of years. The problem is, some of my family are JW and at this current time I'm living with my JW mum. I'm soon to move out and get my own home, but clearly this will be a deciding factor for the elders, won't it?

I'm worried, but my BF may not go ahead with the DA if he thinks it will really affect me...

Sirona

Salud

Sirona,

Since your BF does not have any family in and he is looking out for your best interest, you might want to consider what will be best for you. Even though you have not been to meetings, but if your BF dissasociates himself it will put you in a difficult situation. If the elders find out you are associating with him after the fact and having association with your JW relatives at the same time they will disfellowship you.

Sometimes it is better to walk away and not cause much comotion, esp. if you have Witness relatives who might be affected. This way even though you both do not agree with the teachings and not go to meetings, the witness relative will still feel it is OK to speak with you. But once you get labeled as a disfellowshipped person then everything changes. Something clicks in the JW mindset that tell him your are now an evil and wicked person. I know, it is stange but true.

Wish you the best.

Salud

Gopher

Sirona,

I don't know if this has any relevance whatsoever. But I know of a case in the USA where a JW gal was engaged to a JW fellow, who then proceeded to get disfellowshipped (for what reason I don't know). Since the engagement is viewed as a serious commitment by the congregation, it became a "conscience matter" as to whether she would go ahead with her engagement and marriage to the DF'd guy. She did, and she was not DF'd.

Again, I'm not sure if the JW's are united by the exact same rules around the globe for such unusual circumstances. But if you get engaged to this fellow prior to his DA, then the congregation will likely let it slide. But of course this is no reason to get engaged.

Gopher

Sirona

Salud, I think that you have a point about "something clicks in the JW mindset". I don't want to have problems with my family. Thanks for your comments

Gopher, you made an interesting point about the engagement. OK I know it sounds wierd, but I used to be married to my boyfriend. We were married in a KH and everything. On leaving JWs we divorced but we are now back together. Would the elders consider that in the eyes of God our marriage tie was never broken? In that case, I'd be already in a sort of marriage with him although we have not decided to remarry.

?? what do you think?

Sirona

kat7302

An interesting discussion.....

Im disfellowshipped adn have recently started seeing an old family friend who ironically was a mini servant and a whisker away from being an elder! Obviously he doesnt go anymore but has never been DF/DA - I often worry that when we are seen together, the elders wont take too long to get round his house to discuss bad association etc...

however, should that happen, he said that he will refuse to discuss his personal life with them and as it has been a few years since he went to the KH, they have no right to DF him based on something they know nothing about.

I hope this is the case anyway!

Salud

Sirona,

The official view on a divorce is that if the governments consider you divorced so does the Society. There is a part in the 'Flock' (elders) book that discusses this. Basically it states that if a couple divorces, even if it us an 'unscriptural' divorce, and they have sexual relations then they commit adultry and can be disfellowshipped.

Now if you get married to one who is disasociated, there is not really much they can do, especially if your not attending meetings. Now if you were attending regularly some elders might see this as you supporting the views of one who is dissociated and my try to make something of it. Then it gets really murky. My suggestion would be for you and your BF to stay away from the meetings so you don' have to deal with any of this. Why bring unneeded problems on yourselves.

Good luck and best wishes...

Salud

Gopher

Sirona,

You asked about would the JW's already view you in a marriage of sorts? WELLLLLL .... since you asked, I hate to say it -- but to them sex is only legal in a marriage that is valid BOTH in God's eyes and according to society's legal system. So, you're kinda halfway there.

Now if by saying you're "already in a sort of marriage with him", does that mean you're co-habiting? Not to get too personal, just had to ask. (I really don't care one way or the other.) The reason I ask, is that if you're co-habiting, they could possibly have reasons to come out and judge you to be, well, I hate this phrase, "living in sin". But if you're not making any moves back towards Kingdom Hall attendance, some elders will leave even sin-livers alone.

Geez I hope I haven't dug too deep a hole with this post. I was just trying to explain the "ins" and "outs" (no sexual pun intended).

Gopher

simplesally

I think she said she was living with her mom and planning to move into her old place.

I'd get engaged so they would keep quiet. No one says you have to get married!

Sirona

Hi Gopher,

As Sally said, I'm living with parents at the moment. I'm buying my own house (my b/f already has his own house) so no, we are not cohabiting and we are not planning to do so for a while to come.

LOL your comments were funny on the living in sin thing! I'm not ashamed to say that we do have sex. I've never been questioned by local elders about my b/f, even when we divorced they didn't ask me why.

I saw my bf today and he said he's reconsidering because he knows that it will make it awkward for me and my mum, when he comes to the house, etc. Part of me wishes that he could do what he wanted and DA himself though because its just another occasion when we follow JW 'rules' even when we're out!

Sirona

ozziepost

G'day Sirona,

Frankly they have plenty of reasons to DF you! I guess they'll get around to it.

Sex outside of marriage renders you liable to DF, so I'm curious, don't your parents have any thoughts on this? Surely they must realise and if they do, then why have they gone along with the arrangement. It seems they may not be as loyal to the org as you may think, for they should have taken the matter to the elders by now.

The other serious matter is that a divorce is for keeps, so there's no re-marriage allowed for Dubs who wish to remain "in good standing". Perhaps the elders have a different view in your "neck of the woods".

Should your bf DA himself? What for?, is my reply. If he hasn't associated for some time, his family are not Dubs, what's the point in DA? Is it a 'gesture'? I can't see the point myself, and especially given the repercussions that would come upon you both.

Cheers, Ozzie

Edited by - ozziepost on 16 July 2002 10:36:18

Will they disassociate me?

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