It has been many years since I was dsfsd, I have written this to my sister in hopes that she could understand some of the reasons that the relationship between my daughter and myself have been strained for so many years. I thought that by posting this it might help someone else that might be going through some of the same things.
Here is my story. Hello, as I stated in my other e-mail I will dedicate this entirely to trying to explain my situation with my daughter. I hope you don`t mind if it gets lengthy. As you probably already know I chose to be a Jehovahs Witness, and was one for more than 16 years. I came into contact with them when I was about 17 and pregnant with Mary. I studied the bible for a short peiod of time, just a few months, and decided that I was learning the truth from the Bible. After Mary was born there was a time period when mom came to live with my husband and I, I was still studying and had to stop. Roy (my husband) was staying out late at nights and coming home drunk. A lot. I had to get my mother out and found her a place to stay. Not nice but she was out. Nothing changed for my husband and I though. So at the age of 18 years old I decided to seperate from him, got a nice job, and raise my daughter alone. (Although I was living with a couple). Roy came to see me almost every day, to see him crawl and beg for me back was pathetic. He also told me that Betty (the woman that had studied with me) was asking for me. Well that bothered my conscience because I knew I wanted a divorce, which was almost about to be final and Jehovah hates a divorcing, that is in Duet. So I made a resolve in my heart to God and myself to do what God wanted and to return to my husband, resume my studies from the bible and do what I could with my life for Jehovah, I wanted his blessing and approval. I felt a sense of family with these people, my marriage improved some. Roy was a good provider and never physically abused me, and never the children.(as I might have snapped and killed him). I returned to him out of love for God, and nothing else. I had a gut feeling that I could have done better on my own. Family life was okay and I enjoyed raising my daughters in the "truth" that I had also learned. Roy was not a perfect husband, but perhaps I could win him over with my quiet and mild spirit that the bible says that christian wives should display. I always thought one day he would also start studying and make necessary changes and become a christian. Much to my surprise, that did happen. The problem was the changes involved in becoming a christian did not happen. I thought that perhaps it would take some time before he started to reflect God`s holy spirit. By this time years have passed and Amy is born. I do not see a change. He was appointed as a Ministerial Servant in the congregation. Something of honor bestowed on faithful brothers that are a good example to the rest of the flock, or congregation. I did not understand this, as he was a newly baptized brother, and his conduct was not exemplary. He had the personality of an alcoholic, when he came home for dinner if the food was not warm, he was upset. He insisted that I get up at 5:00 every morning to make him breakfast before work, which I did, as my wifely obligation. He did not like the chicken and hamburger meals that I made for him, although there was not money for anything else. He had tantrums where he would throw the checkbook accross the room because of money that I had so foolishly spent on taking one of the girls to the doctor. He was very jealous as I could have no men friends or talk and laugh with a man visitor while he had stepped out of the room. My pillar of strength that was the glue in my marriage was turning into a nightmare. It was very stressful, as we had to put on a good front. We had to be at the meetings early, which usually I got cursed out on the way to the hall. Sometimes I had to got to the restroom to try and compose myself after such a humiliating trip to show up and see people that I knew and try to be cheerful. My religion now came to be something to blackmail me with. I so dearly wanted Jehovahs approval and to be a good wife, and that was used against me, and I was being made to feel by him that I was not a good christian. He used to call me stupid, crazy, fat, lazy, dumb, not worthy to sit and talk to reasonably, and if so then what was talked about as a problem was usually ignored. Mind you this has gone on the whole time, which I could deal with as long as I had my pillar of strength, my religion. Things went from bad to worse, for me anyway. I had been suffering from chest pains for the last 5 or so years we were together. I needed an operation (did not know it at the time) as I was having female problems, and we had no insurance. Well, it seems that the money was more important than my wellfare and that was the begining of the end for he and I. He was laid off from Cameron Iron Works and taken back, about a year or so later. I had been to free clinics, and treated like a street walker. They asked me things about stuff I did not even know about. My blood pressure was extremely high, he yelled at me all the way to John Sealy hospital and was I glad to get out of the car. All of this time I was trying to reach out to him because I knew things were changing for he and I and the children were getting older. I wanted for he and I to be close and really have something worth staying together for. I was still trying to do the right thing and save my marrinage. But I needed something more solid to hold on to. I was trying to tell him we needed help, from the elders, from a marriage counselor, from someone that is qualified to help. NO. I asked and asked and asked. I felt trapped. I was truly not happy. I had my operation, it was a bleeding ovary and was removed. Things were not the same. I lined up all my own affairs to take care of my operation. I finally decided to stop being miss nice girl and started to speak my mind, which I had not done before. He was laid off again. Against his wishes I went to work so as to have insurance for my daughters. I wanted to know where my food was. Why can`t you keep the children quiet? Why does the house look so bad? To make matters worse he was about to be appointed an elder in the congregation that we attended. That did not set well with me at all, not only was he not qualified to be a ministerial servant, he sure as hell was not qualified to be and elder, which means that he would be leading and teaching the congregation and helping them with serious problems. I felt even more trapped. I know this is not good, but I made friends with a man at work. We talked a lot of our marriage problems. He would give me advice and I would give him advice. We always said yeah, but you don`t know him, her, that will not work. Just try it anyway. Well it was too late for my marriage, I was secretly going to leave of my own accord. And I had told my friend something that lead to a reaction from him that ended in my dissfellowishipment from the congregation. I don`t know if this is too much for you to know. I told him(something that I have told no one) that the only scriptural reason for divorce would be adultery and that I could never go back to my husband if I were to do something like that because I would not be able to live in the same house with him, as my conscience would get the better of me. This is someone that I never expected to have a future with, but I did fall in love with. I always only wanted Jehovahs approval, and to be a good christian. The aftermath of adultery was shere embarrasement for me. I left my husband and tried to make good with the elders in my judicial committee. I wanted to stay in good standing with Jehovahs Witneses and explain to them that my bad marriage is whay led up to this happeing. No I did not want to return home for my husband for he will never let forget what I have done, and my bad marriage is what led up to me doing wrong. No, do not love him. The decision was made, I was to be disfellowshipped from the christian congreation. I was a practicer of sin. Not worthy of everlasting life. Someone fit to be killed by Jehovah the Supreme being. I was a threat to the congreations` cleanliness. All I ever wanted to do was the right thing in Gods eyes, and instead I got my children ripped from me. After disfellowshipping Jehovahs` Witnesses policy is to shun the wrongdoer. Which Mary did not have a problem with. I at the time was consumed with guilt and shame. I was lost, and felt despair. I felt I had no one. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I did not know how I was going to make it. Mary hated me, and would not talk to me. I was crushed. We had been as close as sisters, and now that was severed by church policy. She said as far as she was concerned she had no mother. My ex remarried 6 months after the divorce was final, and Mary told me she thinks of her stepmother as her mother. When Mary married later Patricia (her stepmother) was announced as Mary`s mother. I was in shock. The shunning is for the purpose of helping a practicer of sin realize the error of their way and come back into the fold. I did several times try and go back, it was not the same, for I could not believe how quickly I was disfellowshipped by three men, whom 2 did not even know me. They said I had planned it. I lived in doom of being destroyed at Armagheddon. I finally after years gave up on the notion of Armagheddon, after not accepting the emotional blackmail, Mary finally came around and talks to me now. (Amy never cared) Love her! It took lots of healing (years) to get over what has happened and I am finally okay now. I have done much better on my own, and no longer believe in the myths that I was taught by Jehovahs` Witnesses. As a matter of a fact I have learned many things about this religion becuase of the internet availability, and come to realize that they are teaching many lies, covering up so much more than the media has shown. My hope is to one day see her leave this paradisaic religion where all of Jehovahs` people are a "happy" people. I can not beleive I gave so much of my life to a religion that exploits a person the way this religion does. jehovahs-witness.com is full of people trying to make recovery from this religion. I wish I had had something like this when I really needed it. I go there and post from time to time. I love Mary very much and would really like to see her dump this stupid religion, it is more like a cult and is very controlling. Well I guess that`s it in a nutshell, I did not mean to write a book, though several have. I hope this makes things a little clearer. I had better go for now, Love ya There is so much more that happened, but this is what I sent to my sister. Ironically the people that helped me the most through my times of trouble were the people I was trying to stay away from when I was still a jw, my brother and his wife.(worldly people) I am thinking about posting a couple of e-mails that I have recently sent to my daughter. I am not sure about that yet. witchywoman