Confused

by AlphaPlus 28 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  AlphaPlus

  This is gonna take a while so bear with me ...

  I dunno where to start. Well i'm still a jw, still going to meetings etc although you do feel pretty bad sitting there knowing you'd like to be any place else. Like i've read from so many of you i've been the perfect jw kid excellent meeting attendence, good field service blah blah all that crap. I've pretty much resigned to the fact I have to leave the truth (3 day convention comming up soon) ugh I can hear the talks about how difficult it is to be a teen these days already ....

  Anyways its not quite as easy as just going. My dad left the truth in his teens, married my mum only because she was pregnant (with me) ... they divorced after 5 years and after a very messy trial and all the like I was given to my dad who gave me to my grandparents. Ahhhh a grandchild to raise in the truth they thought ... make up for all the mistakes they made with my dad. So I was the last way to carry on the jw line. The pressure since the day of moving in (even when I was 6) was incredible. I was never a child. They continually pushed me to do better in school and be really smart and spiritually minded and then when I was and got a very good paying job (own my own business now) suddenly i'm labelled materialistic and need to be brought back into line but thats a whole other story. I love my grandparents they've done so much for me (i was a really screwed up kid cause of the divorce and such) and I know that leaving the truth will kill them. And I know they love me but they really have no idea how to show it (i blame that on them being jw's). I tried to commit suicide a few years ago and when I arrived home a few days later not a word was said. No asking why no asking if I was okay in fact they didn't even visit the hospital it must have been to traumatic to see me in such an unspiritual state. But when i got home it was like let's just move on and hope this doesn't jeopodise your chances of getting baptised (which thankfully i've managed to put off so far.) And conversation at home revolves around nothing but spiritual things and sure thats okay but man how much can ya take? Nearly all of my friends and at least 90% of the people I know are jw's in fact i'm having dinner at ones tonight so if I leave I lose nearly everyone I know. Damn that must be hard how did any of u get past that? Especially when u were raised in the truth?

  Sorry this isn't really structured the way it should be and only half goes into the detail it should but I dunno i'm sick of thinking about it i guess. what should i do? stay in the truth to keep the family together that's done so much for me or break out and kill em all? I wonder how many rules i've broken posting this hehe
• 

  dungbeetle

  Hugs at ya dear, I was baptised as a teenager and so I know the drill.

  Many here on the board have found the perfect solution: move away, far away, and the family will never know you have 'left the truth' as long as you are careful.

  DO NOT give them your address or a listed phone number you must tell NO ONE where you REALLY are. ( a post office box is better say your mail keeps getting tampered with) At least two someones here on the board moved thousands of miles away, (Jehovah's Witness Relocation Program) gave the family their address/phone number, and then had to do some fast explaining when the family sent the JW elders by 'just to check on them.' That is NOT good.

  Keep your chin UP!!!
• 

  abbagail

  Hi Alpha, your feelings and situation made my heart hurt, especially how your family "ignored the calls for help" (suicide attempt) and went right on in life like nothing happened. That is SO SICK. And the fact that they did not even come to the hospital really REALLY makes me mad. It could partly be because they are JWs and it could also be because they are older/grandparents. Some people really have a MENTAL BLOCK about emotional traumas like suicide attempts. That is SO COLD they did not even come to the hospital to see you, I could kick their cans for that. What ticks me off is the IGNORANCE of your grandparents, the JWs, and the public in general about suicide, and how they allow it's so-called "stigma" keep them from acting like compassionate human beings.

  And all they were worried about is whether that suicide attempt would jeopardize your chances for baptism? Gimme a big fat break! Since when is one who was "crushed in spirit" not allowed to be baptized (in JEHOVAH'S eyes!!!!!)?

  I was not raised a JW, but as a young person I went thru the suicide route myself several times. It's a CRY FOR HELP, and yet it sounds like your family STUFFED ALL EMOTIONS/FEELINGS. That is SO UNHEALTHY, and it just ticks me off reading that they acted like that with you. I hope you feel stronger now.

  And as for your small business, keep it up. Tell them you want to be able to get married someday and be able to support a wife, so how can they complain that you have turned out to be a responsible young man?

  Feeling like you're living that double life must be really hard. I only did it a short while during my last 6 months as a JW, holding it in, but feeling like a hypocrite at meetings, so I finally just went to the elders and told them, and that was it. (Of course I was much older than you, and I had no fleshly family in the truth).

  dungbeetle's idea was interesting -- moving far away. Do you think you would be able to handle that? It sounds like a good idea if you're up to it. The pressure would be off if you didn't have to be around your family all the time, feeling like you have to live up to their expectations. If you just go away, you are not DF or DA so you can keep in touch with your family long distance or whatever. But if you go ahead and get baptized and later get DF'd, well, you know what that means... If you moved away, you might feel a renewed spirit and a fresh start. I think moving around the country is good for people. Besides getting to see new places, you don't get stale living in the same place your entire life, like some people do. And, believe it or not (at your age I'm sure you can't imagine it), but older age DOES come when you WON"T feel like traveling around. So do it now while you're young! Is your business "transportable"?

  Another idea, which I'm sure you already thought about, is just sitting down and telling your grandparents how you really feel; you need a break. Be totally honest -- too much pressure has made you lose your "joy" and you need to just get some "breathing space" for awhile in order to "think things through" as you "wouldn't want to get baptized feeling so uneasy about things." etc. etc.

  Keep in touch and let us know how it's going with you. You should get more responses over time, 'cuz there's lots of young people in this forum group. If not enough reply, repost your story with an attention-grabbing topic, like HELP! I NEED ADVICE ASAP! or something like that!

  Best to you/GRITS
• 

  AlphaPlus

  Ty beetle and grit for ya quick replys. Unfortunetly moving out isn't really an option. I'm only 17 the business it still new so everythings in flux right now. I graudated high school when I was 15, went to work for the government nearly right away in the financial analysis department. Got a good grasp of big figures and how much I like em there hehe Then my contract finished and I used nearly all my money to setup this business an internet cafe. Its going okay but no where near enough to pay for my rent or anything if I moved out :\ And besides my grandparents need me at home their too old to do stuff around the house.

  I did try talking to them about the suicide grit but it didn't work. They just sorta seized up and said 'well its good that you've got that outta your system now'. I was meant to be baptized 2 years ago with all the other kids (it seemed as though as soon was 1 of the elders daughters got baptised it was the cool thing and all the kids went for a swim) .. so for 2 years i've heard nothing but 'when r u getting baptised' at home and at the hall lol can't win ....

  I just can't see a way of leaving the truth without breaking everything apart (which is really what i want to do).. and I know they won't want me to live at home if I wasn't a jw .... u know what jw familys are like

  Edited by - AlphaPlus on 27 July 2002 9:45:22
• 

  Big Tex

  I don't know if I'm a good one to answer this or not, but here goes. I started studying when I was 9, baptized when I was 11. So I kinda know what you're going through. I stopped going to meetings though when I was 26. And yes, I did lose all my friends and family. My dad and sisters haven't spoken to me in 10 years, even though I'm not disfellowshipped or disassociated. All I can tell you is sooner or later you've got to be who you are. Even more importantly, you've got to have the right to believe in what, and who, you want even if that means losing friends and family. And yeah, it does hurt. But then you begin to rebuild and find friends that are not so narrow minded and judgmental. I haven't regretted my decision once. It's tough, but the bottom line is you've got to decide who you are and what you're going to do with your life. Good luck mate!
• 

  concerned mama

  Welcome to the board, Alpha,

  You are in the right place, and the people here will do their best to help you out.

  I have no words of wisdom, as I have never been JW, and I can only imagine how trapped you must feel.

  concerned mama
• 

  searcher

  Welcome Alpha.

  Maybe you can build up a circle of non-JW friends through your business and then you would not feel so isolated. It might, in time, make your decision easier.

  searcher.
• 

  AlphaPlus

  Thanks searcher that makes sense. It's just a relief to know there are others who have been through exactly the same thing. Good thing I found this site :)
• 

  garybuss

  
  Hi AlphaPlus, It's not unusual for us to want to rebel against our parent's or guardian's values and rituals. As we get older and we have freedom to do as we wish we often take a vacation from the life which we were required to conform to as juveniles and adolescents.
  
  When that door opens and we start that vacation is when the internal conflict starts for many of us. We want to celebrate a birthday but we often feel guilty when we do. That inculcating from our youth on up is so deep and so strong that many of us do give into it and return at some level to the system from which we came in order to ease the dissonance. Often if we stay or if we take a vacation and return, we set out trying to change the organization we came from or we try to change the people who are important to us.
  
  All this is an effort to try to control our environment to conform to a model we imagine we can function comfortably in. That's why some of us return to the groups we were raised in. That's why some of us stay associated on a perihelial level and live double lives, or why some of us try to change the group from the inside, or why some of us try to get those important to us to understand issues like we do and possibly leave the group with us.
  
  These are all issues only faced by people who were raised in or who joined high control groups. People in healthy groups never face these double binds like we do. Most of them do not and will never really understand the kind of internal as well as external challenges we face when we desire both freedom and association with family and friends.
  
  I wish you the best of peace and happiness whatever you do.
  
  An adult child of Witness parents,
  
  gb
  
  
  
• 

  Tish

  Hi there,

  Just thought that I would say hi. I really feel for you. I am one of numerous sisters who are all 3rd Generations witnesses. We were all pretty screwed up with being brought up in the borg, and 2 of us at least have tried to commit suicide on numerous occassions, some have eating disorders etc. Many judged my sis's hard because the bros thought they were wanting attention, so the best thing they thought they could do was ignore them!! Recently 2 of us (me included) have been disfellowshiped, and yes it does make you feel cut off. I was a real good little christian sister and took on board all that the borg told us about not having all the bad association in the world so felt really cut off. I would say the best thing you can do is to make sure you make loads of friends who are not witnesses and will not pull you down when you have a good business head.

  You will get there. But don't let them get the best of you. Remember if you commit suicide no one will be able to come to your funeral, and they will only judge you more anyway, as they see it as a sin and not see depression as an illness!!

  Luv

  Tish