by Swan 20 Replies latest jw friends
Duckling,
I've learned you can trust Dakota Reds advice. He seems to have a very good knowledge of human nature.
Scootergirl,
Your parents are the ones on thin ice now. What if all three of their offspring decided to shun them? I'm not advocating that, but I'm sure you get the picture. Also, did you notice you are the shortest of the three?
G'day Tammy,
Thanks for your post and welcome aboard!
Mrs Ozzie and I have experienced some of this type of thing ourselves.
I think we need to keep in mind that the shunning is something THEY do, not us. So it's best if we try and maintain contact as we always have. If they choose to reject you, that's up to them, but never let the separation between you be because of what you do.
Well, that's my opinion, anyway. Good luck.
Cheers, Ozzie
I'd just call.
i send a letter about once a year to my sister and brother just to let them know i love them. who knows, maybe someday they will wake up. one can always hope
:)
good luck. being shunned sucks
Go for it, Tammy!
If they ever come to their senses where this religion is concerned, they'll remember how you made an effort to keep the door open, and they'll be grateful.
Hmmm
Wow! So many responses. I don't know where to start.
DakotaRed, Dizzy Cat, Francois, LittleToe, Star, Bad Seed, PeaceLoveHarmony, Hmmm
Thanks for the good advice. I think most here are in favor of making contact in some way, but to do it with love and patience. I can appreciate that.
Plum,
Good suggestions. I will phrase it something like that, but I will have to use email. It would be awkward by phone and might get intercepted by their parents (even though they are over 18, I think they still live at home). An email is more private and easier to conceal if they want.
Scootergirl,
What a nice sister you are! Don't pay any attention to Mom's remarks. You aren't a bad pull. Your sister's 23 and can make up her own mind. Mom is just upset she didn't pull on sis enough, or that maybe she pulled too hard!
Fire,
I went into more detail about your situation in another thread. I'm glad I could help you keep things in perspective during this emotional time.
Ozzie,
Great point. It's not our job to shun them. My brother once asked me to not contact his children, and I respected his wishes, but as in Scootergirl's case, some are over 18 now (adult by U.S. law, even though the WTBTS baptizes them much younger). At least this way they have options. They can contact me if they want.
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Ok, then, let me ask you this. If you were to initiate contact, would you then limit your contact with this board so as not to frighten off those who are worried about "those apostates!" (Not that there's anything wrong with that!) ;) and the stigma of associating with them? Don't get me wrong; you are all lovely people, but there is a stigma that the WTBTS perpetuates to scare the faithful. Is this stigma something that others have overcome in making contact with JW relatives? If so, how?
Tammy :)
You are right about the stigma of so-called "Apostate" sites, in fact the whole Internet has been demonised by the WTS. I suggest that you don't let that one out of the bag. Surely it's nobodys business what websites you surf? Meanwhile you'll find much of the support that you need here.
Facial Hair Poll: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.asp?id=33229&site=3&page=1
Edited by - LittleToe on 29 July 2002 16:2:21
As a disclaimer, just take my comments as another POV from someone whose situation and family may be very different from yours.
Ive been out for over 15 years: not really dad, nor dfd. My JW (and non-JW father) are pretty manipulative. They sort of bask in shunning, because they like to feel in control. The way they maintain that control is if you continue to COME to THEM. As long as you try to contact them, and seek them out, they get some gratification that the shunning is working. They have to do very little: just wait for you to make a move.
The way I see it, and knowing my family, is that they need to think about the repercussions of what they are doing. They wont have to ever think about it if you continue to seek them out, to be the bigger person so to speak. Theyll continue to think the shunnings working. Theyve made it quite clear they dont accept me for who I am, but yet they expect me to want to seek out their approval. Doesnt work that way. You dont accept me, why do I want to chase after you emotionally, when basically youre a cold fish??
For shunning to work successfully, the one who is shunned must show sorrow, must take the initiative to seek out the relatives, must see the error of their ways, must understand that love is conditional. I say screw that. The one SHUNNING has a cold heart, hardened by a man-made cult. That is not normal. You shun me because you dont accept me for who I am, this means the ultimate family disownment. I dont think Im obligated to keep the lines open.
Again, just my view. My familys maybe harder than most, and I had a special brand of dysfunction going on in mine. They have rejected me because I will not live by their rules. I have not rejected them, and they know this.
I would definitely contact them, and, in fact, I've been doing this myself. For years I followed the "guidelines" and didn't want to put anyone in an awkward position.
However, time is passing, and all of these years without contact are wasted. I wrote to one of my cousins a couple of months ago, and he has written back. Right now he is hoping that he can "bring me back to Jehovah", and I am hoping for something entirely different. (hehe)
I have no intention of telling him that I post on this, or any other ex-JW site. This is my personal decision, and I am not playing by Watchtower rules, so it is none of his business at this point in time. If and when I decide to tell him about this site, it will be on my terms, and not because I'm afraid of his reaction. Hopefully, if that time comes, it will be because he is questioning and needs an additional resource.
I would definately call, send your love, leave your number, and let them choose if they wish to contact you. You never know in the future if they may decide to leave and need someone to come to.
