I really need your advice on this!

sunshineToo

If your boyfriend refuses to go to college, what do you do?

For his job, he really needs a college degree. But he said that there is something about "being at school". He hates school. He took some classes before in which he did very well. But the last one was dropped. He is NOT dumb. He was getting pretty much average "A" in those classes. I think either:

1. He is not strong enough to go through college life. Hmm....then, is he strong enough to be a husband and father?

2. Or maybe he had a traumatic experience when he was a kid. But he doesn't remember anything like that though. Should I have him seeing a psychologist?

What do you think? I don't know what to do. :-(

MrMoe

Let him be his own person, it's his life, he will deal with the results of his choices.

Kisses,

Moe

SixofNine

Would you mind going back to him with this, "But he said that there is something about "being at school", and getting some clarification?

That doesn't really tell us (or you) much. We (you) need more information before we/you can do any opinion forming on this.

Does he not intend to stay in his current field?

Gopher

Maybe a vo-tech school would be more his speed? Of course that means he'd have to set his sights on a different career. But different can be good (maybe he'd like the change??).

sunshineToo

Would you mind going back to him with this, "But he said that there is something about "being at school", and getting some clarification?

That doesn't really tell us (or you) much. We (you) need more information before we/you can do any opinion forming on this.

Does he not intend to stay in his current field?

Well, he doesn't say much about it. I think that's what bothers me. He is shy. But he said that being with a group of people doesn't bother him that much, but certainly a part of his negative feeling, though. He thinks his got his dream job. So he wants to stay in that position. It's just being at "school", he said. I don't understand. Do you think he has some sort of phobia?

By the way it is a community college that I'm trying to get him going. It only requires 2 years.

Edited by - sunshineToo on 31 July 2002 2:0:7

SPAZnik

stop pushing.

can't force anyone to do something they don't want to. well, you can but it ain't pretty.
pushing the issue will more than likely only send a person in the opposite direction. it's his life. if he doesn't want to go to college, he doesn't have to. if you love him for who he is rather than who you want him to be you will respect his wishes on this. this doesn't mean you can't state your case. but state your case, ask for his, then drop it. show respect. you say he is smart, or i think more precisely you said, "not dumb". if you really believe that, then show a little trust that he will figure out for himself how he wants to tackle his education and work goals.

perhaps he will job hunt for a while and even try a crappy job for a while and his whole outlook and enthusiasm for school will take a surprising turn.

i also think it's a bit of a leap to suggest that not wanting to go to college means a person is weak and won't make a good husband or father (anymore than pushing someone to go to college means a person is a nag and won't make a good wife or mother). a good husband or father will learn from his own choices, rather than just running around doing everything his girlfriend insists upon.

if i was the guy being told this, i might dig my heels in too.

sometimes it's just a timing and tolerance thing. i remember hating the thought of more school at one time, not because i'm weak, not because i'm dumb. for reasons of my own at the time.
now i'm loving the idea. just because your boyfriend doesn't want to go right now, doesn't mean he will always be that way. however, the more you push, the more likely he will push back.

state your case, ask for his, then drop it.

you can make your own decisions about educational prerequisites in the boy's you date,
let him make his own decisions about his school and career choices.
don't expect to change someone into your vision of boyfriend/husband/father material. let him be who he is gonna be. give him a little credit that he can make a good choice about this. now, or eventually.

even if you are successful in pushing your way, the person will more than likely resent you for it.

SPAZ

StinkyPantz

I think that you are overreacting big time! My husband felt the same way but after a while he realized that he needed to go back to school, no pressure from me. BTW, being a good husband and father doesn't require a college education. I know of many people without degrees who support their families very nicely. Why would you think it's psychological? Maybe it's very plain and simple: HE DOESN'T LIKE SCHOOL. Geez!

Edited by - StinkyPantz on 31 July 2002 2:4:26

libra_spirit

He isn't going to do it for you. He needs to do it for him. Untill he is ready to do it for him, he needs to figure out what he wants. You need to let him find himself, unfortunately where does that put your relationship? A good relationship can only be built on two people who have thier own centers of power. Untill he finds stability in his center of self how can he give a mate security? Today women and men are equals, don't start to carry his weight or it may never end. Talk about this with him and listen to what he is saying, understand his point of view then decide what you can deal with. Do not believe that you can do it all for him, you will become overtaxed and resent him for it later. Only you can measure the balance between love and work, education and capabilities, and what you will live with in the future. If he has a pychological problem, urge him to see a councilor. A lot of EX-JW's have a resentment to reading history or english, it brings back uncomfortable memories from childhood. And sitting through long lectures can almost put some of us right to sleep in a sitting position. I didn't re aquire my ability to read history till later in life when I began to find it intresting. Just the word "study" can induce a state of instant boredom! Now days I love to study internet and computer technolodgy, I can even sit down and write my thoughts up in a report. I'm certain if I stepped into a kingdom hall I would instantly regain my ability to fall asleep after the first paragraph.

Good Luck

Edited by - libra_spirit on 31 July 2002 2:18:58

sunshineToo

I guess what I'm afraid of is that he might get into a difficult situation some day. The company promised him a certain wage if he gets a college degree, and they are already giving him that wage because they knew that he was going shcool last year.

He is a kind of person who knows that he is doing it wrong but some times just suffers through it without making any effort to change it. It's not just school. It seems like his whole family is like that. They know that they are in a difficult situation, but don't make any progressive effort to do something about it. For me I would reach out for any information that could help me, and would try to change the situation. But they are just-sit-there kind of people, I think. And I think he is like that, too. He has made a lot of progress. He is driving, buys his own clothes, cooks meal some times for himself, and more out going than before. I've never seriously dated anyone. Well, same thing goes for him, too. So I just don't know what to do.

StinkyPantz

I personally would support my husband if he had a job he enjoyed and didn't want to go to college (even if he didn't make much money). I would not think less of him and it would not make him a lesser person. I am getting my Master's in Forensic Science with minors in Psychology, Sociology, and Criminal Justice. I LOVE school, he HATES it. I have no problem being the bread winner. I fell in love with him. When I fell in love he did not have a degree, and I'll love him whether or not he ever gets one. If he's ever in a "difficult situation" I'll be there for him; that's what love is all about!

I really need your advice on this!

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