It's been about two weeks since I came here. I've been having a lot of depression and nightmares concerning my family and the JWs. Ghastly visions of bloody mayhem and mutilation, not only of me, but also my husband and my little dog. Also, a lot of dreams where I am not in control and forced to go to meetings or assemblies, where I futilely search in vain for ways to get back my control.
In some ways this board has been a big help. I now know of three people from a congregation I went to in the 80's. One of them posts on this board regularly. I have had a few emails with her. I don't think she remembers me. I have changed a lot since then. The rest of you were strangers who are quickly becoming known to me, both through our common experiences, through your many posts, and through the wackiness that goes on here. Humor helps. But not always.
In some ways this board is very disturbing to me. I have been crying and grieving more since coming here. At times it is overwhelming to think about how your whole life was all just a great big lie, a horrendous farce perpetrated by other victims like myself, and perpetuated by some sort of mass hysteria gone horribly horribly wrong.
The Desperately Seeking section lists countless people like me, searching in vain for friends and family torn away from them. We were separated in just as an efficient and effective manner as any Nazi Holocaust ever executed.
The research provided by diligent and dedicated members among us is a valuable service, potentially lifesaving and yet, bittersweet. Posts that tell of rampant child abuse that was covered up, the WTBTS involvement with military investments and the United Nations, the prophecies that never came true, the testimony of JW leaders in court, the blood transfusion quackery, and other exposes like them are often disturbing to me. They say that the truth hurts. It does. How could I have been so blind, so stupid, for so long? How could the people I love and who claimed to love me choose that twisted promise over their real flesh and blood?
Unfortunately I know the answers to those questions. I was as much as a victim as they still are. Cut off from all other avenues of learning and thinking, and bombarded by propaganda, it is impossible to see any other viewpoint. Even though I had some doubts, when I first left the JWs, I still believed. Their hold on me was still that strong. I felt it was better to live the last remaining years before Armageddon as a free person, than to spend life in eternity where I was not. I still expected it to come. The death. The destruction. I woke up one night to a thunderstorm and wondered if that was the end. Were they right after all?
Slowly I began to find evidence that they weren't right. But I resisted coming here, to these "apostate" web sites. I was afraid of your judgment, for one thing. I couldn't take rejection like that again. I was also afraid that if my family found out that I came here, it would ruin any chance that I had of ever contacting them again. So I avoided this board for 8 long years. I ran from the nightmares instead of turning and facing them.
None of my "worldly" friends or my husband have ever understood what was like to be a JW. At least here I have found others who have been victims like me. You understand. You know. You care. I can talk here and be accepted.
So I have been here, doing a lot of reading, a lot of pondering, and an awful lot of crying.
Thank you.
Tammy