puzzled,
Here ya go!
Remember: this is ALL "Bible-Based(tm)"
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Youknowamus: oh, all right. But would you please take a look at the very few questions I think we should ask before we baptize someone? I believe Jehovah has directed me to bring these to you so that we can be sure we get qualified people into our theocratic organization. These questions are part of a handbook I've written on Organization, Kingdom Preaching and Disciple Making, which has all sorts of good rules, regulations and policies to keep the brothers in line with the Christian organization we need to set up real soon now.
Barnabus: Yes, we'll look at them, but don't expect much more than that.
Youknowamus: Great. (He turns toward the door) "ok, guys! Bring in those four crates of scrolls outside the door."
Peter and Barnabus look over the pre-baptismal questions prepared by Youknowamus:
1. Who is the true God?
2. What kind of God is Jehovah?
3. What does it mean to know God?
4. What does the Bible mean when it says that Jehovah requires our exclusive devotion?
5. How will Jehovah God sanctify his name? How can we have a share in it?
6. Who is Jesus Christ, and what is his position in relation to Jehovah God?
7. Why did Jesus die a sacrificial death?
8. How is the ransom an expression of God's love for mankind?
9. How does the ransom affect us as individuals?
10. What is the holy spirit?
11. How can we benefit from the operation of that spirit today?
12. Whose ideas are recorded in the Bible? Does that mean that God personally spoke or wrote it all? Is all of it true?
13. Why should we pray, to whom, and how often?
14. About what is it proper to pray?
15. What is the kingdom of God?
16. What does it mean to "seek first the kingdom"?
17. When Christ returns, is it visibly as a man, or how?
18. How can people know when his second presence occurs?
19. What is God's purpose for the earth?
20. How will this purpose be realized?
21. What conditions will prevail on earth in God's new system of things?
22. Who is the Devil? What is his origin?
23. Against what spiritistic practices employed by the Devil and his demons does the Bible warn us?
24. How can we protect ourselves against the influence of these wicked spirits?
25. Why has God permitted wickedness to continue until now?
26. By what means will God destroy the wicked?
27. What is the human soul? Can it die?
28. What is sin, and how did we all become sinners?
29. What should be our attitude toward committing sins?
30. Do only those who have committed a gross sins or flagrant violations of God's Word need to repent?
31. What is death?
32. Why do people die?
33. What future hope for life is there for one who dies?
34. How many from among mankind will be in heaven with Christ?
35. What will they do there?
36. Are Christians under the law covenant with its requirements of Sabbath keeping and sacrifice?
37. What Christian quality should outstandingly characterize our relationship with our spiritual brothers and with the members of our own families?
38. In God's arrangement, who is head of a married woman?
39. How should a husband exercise his headship?
40. Is the wife whose husband is not a believer freed from his headship?
41. Who is responsible before God for the training and disciplining of children?
42. May a Christian have more than one living marriage mate?
43. What is the only Scriptural basis for divorce that frees one to remarry?
44. Must persons living together as husband and wife have their marriage legally registered with the government?
45. Why must lying be avoided?
46. What is the Christian view of stealing?
47. What is the Christian view of drunkenness?
48. What is God's law concerning blood?
49. What does the Bible say about fornication, adultery, sexual relations with another person of the same sex and other loose conduct? May a person who is engaging in such practices be baptized?
50. Why is moral cleanness of all persons among Jehovah's people important to every one of us?
51. When difficulties arise between individuals because of serious wrongs, what is the Christian way to handle the situation?
52. What action does the congregation take when a person in its midst proves to be a persistent and unrepentant violator of God's commandments?
53. If a person in weakness commits a serious sin, but he wants to help to be restored to Jehovah's favor, what action should he take?
54. What is the proper viewpoint to have when one is Scripturally reproved?
55. What is the fruitage of the spirit, and is it reasonable to expect a Christian to manifest this fruitage in his life?
56. How should Christians view the shortcomings of fellow believers?
57. What does the Bible say about sharing with other religius groups in worship or any of the other activities in which they engage?
58. What is the only religious celebration that Christians are commanded to observe?
59. What Bible principles should guide us in determining whether other celebrations that are popular in the community are acceptable for Christians?
60. Whom does the Bible identify as the "ruler of the world" and "the god of this system of things"?
61. What is the position of Christians as to this world alienated from God?
62. What was Jesus' attitude toward all participation in the political affairs of the world?
63. How do Bible commands concerning idolatry affect a Christian in this modern world?
64. In the light of the following texts, what is the position of a true Christians in this world?
65. Is it necessary for a Christian to be subject to worldly rulers and to show them respect?
66. Must a Christian pay all the taxes demanded by the law?
67. Is there any circumstance under which a Christian would not obey the law?
68. Why are true Christians persecuted?
69. What are some factors to consider in determining whether certain types of employment are not proper for Christians?
70. What should always be our attitude toward the doing of Jehovah's will?
71. Why are Christians called Jehovah's witnesses?
72. Who or what is the "faithful and discreet slave?"
73. What is the governing body of the Christian congregation, and what purpose does it serve?
74. What attitude should Christians show toward those who serve as shepherds in the congregation?
75. Why is it beneficial to attending the meetings arranged by the congregation?
76. Why is personal study important in the life of a Christian?
77. What urgent work does the Bible set out for all Christians at this time?
78. In what various ways may this work be accomplished?
79. Is this work done in our own strength?
80. Why should one who has sincerely repented and turned around and chosen to be a disciple of Christ be baptized?
Youknowamus: well, guys, what do you think?
Peter: Youknowamus, I think I have the authority to say this, and so I will. I will use the very words my Master used to me when I tried something contrary to his wishes: "GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN!"
Farkel