larc:
you are totally right, it gets me more frustrated than doing good. I was just hoping that "if I ignor them for ignoring my, they will miss me and know what they lost". but its not working. So Sad :(
Ever Shun a JW?
by larc 29 Replies latest jw friends
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blacksheep
I guess I have been "shunning" my family who have shunned me, sort of as a natural instinct. Being raised as a JW and being fully aware of the mind games they play, it seems to me logical that their shunning tactics are designed to elicit a reaction, primarily of fear, shame, anxiety, and culminating (ideally) in an attempt on the part of the "shunned" to get back into the good graces of the congregation and regain the approval of those they lost. Classic control tactic.
So, what's the best way to deal with that type of manipulation? I suppose it depends upon one's personal view. If they really DO miss association with the JW's, if they were in fact happier when they had their approval, if they come to realize these people's blessing and association are really desireable, chances are they'll make the needed changes so as to avoid the discomfort of being shunned. They'll take steps to be reinstated.
If OTOH, they simply think the shunning is unfair and hope to convince through persuasive discussion, or something similar, the ones who shun them to STOP shunning them because it is unfair and because they are really good people undeserving of such treatment, they'll probably try to invest some degree of effort trying to associate with and hopefully counteracting the shunning their loved ones do. They in essense, hope their JW relatives will come to see the error of their ways and once again embrace them unconditionally. Based on my knowledge and first hand experience with JW's, this is basically a futile hope IN MOST CASES. Bottom line is that the JW is still in control; the shunned one still hopes to influence a change.
Another way in which some of us have attempted to deal with the shunning is to naturally shun are JW friends/relatives OURSELVES. Basically, there is very little I even have in common with my JW relatives, there is so much I have to filter in our discussions, I'm never really at ease with them, since I cannot just "be myself," that rationally, there is very little incentive I have to be around them. Coupled with their spoken and unspoken (but quite visible) judgements on most aspects of my "worldy" life, I say, who needs them? Yes, I have a concern for my relatives and would feel bad for any misfortune befalling them, but there is such a wall there, created by the religion and maintained by them, that I simply cannot waste a lot of time and energy attempting to be around them. Recently, I took a more overt shunning stance when I learned that they were TRULY shunning me by not inviting me to basic family events.
So, I guess shunning them to the extent they shun me is the most reasonable, logical, and emotionally sound course of action for me.
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libra_spirit
As an EX-JW I used to find myself shunning people at the drop of a hat. Someone pissed me off and bam, I just shuned them. It seems like a quick and easy way to deal with people and I certainly felt justified. You never have to face yourself when you do this. I have later come to realize that cutting people off that way is really stupid, just a left over bunch of crap I learned from them and I can't seem to shake. It is far more intelligent to remain opened to EVERYONE and let them do the cutting off if that is thier choice, even giving smiles and hello's to those who try to be rude. It's way more fun to watch what happens when you are nice to those who you have a right to be nasty too and sometimes you can get a good surprise, they actually respond. So many bad feelings come from simple misunderstandings, and to cut someone off totally because you didn't understand where they were comming from really closes a lot of doors and opertunities. These left over feelings, that I am justified in judging others and I already know more then them so I do not need to listen to thier side, are a constant battle. I think that there is never a good enough reason to shun anyone, so I have tried to stop doing it.
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Prisca
I have been shunned by my father and step-mother since the day I was kicked out of home at 18. It wasn't over anything JW-related, I hadn't even committed any wrong. I was kicked out because I look like my late mother, and my step-mother is very jealous of my mother, even though the two have never met.
My father never rang to see how I am going, even though the first 4 years after being kicked out of home I had to deal with off-and-on long-term unemployment, as well as all the emotional issues associated with being shunned by your own, remaining, parent.
My sister and I have attempted a reconciliation, which included me travelling over 800km to see him and his wife. It was the first time I had seen my father in 10 years. Things seemed to be going well, until he phoned my sister a week later because our step-mother was "offended" because we didn't kiss her goodbye as we were leaving
Haven't heard from him in 2 years, and there is no way I am going out of my way to contact him. The only contact I have had is when I call him regarding some family news (his relatives live in the same city as me).
So I have been shunned, and I shun in return.
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jack2
Prisca -
Things seemed to be going well, until he phoned my sister a week later because our step-mother was "offended" because we didn't kiss her goodbye as we were leaving
Wow, talk about nitpicky, what a sad situation. So many unfortunate situations on this thread.
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Mackin
Hey Prisca,
I can identify with your situation. I have a similar relationship with my Dad. He is civil towards me when I do see him but I have to make the effort to contact him, he will never bother to contact me. Consequently I don't really go out of my way to see him, but my sister usually lets him know if I'm in town. I always make the effort to visit my younger brother who lives with him however.
It's not really anything JW related either (although my feelings on the Borg have done nothing to help the situation) it's just that he's a crappy father.
Mackin.
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flower
I've been shunning my Parents, three of my sisters and two brothers cause they are abusive, cause they dont shun me just enough to get to my son and cause...well i cant stand most of em. Larry thanks for your letter. I'm moving far away from home soon and I have been trying to figure out what I am going to say so that they cant go around telling the rest of my extended family that I just ran off without a word or something. I'm gonna go ahead and write them I think. I'll have to make some modifications but your letter is great.
flower
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flower
Prisca, Mackin, That really sucks and I can relate. My dad NEVER really tried to develop any kind of personal relationship with me and it had nothing to do with JWism at first. How could it I was just a kid. He pretty much never talked to me and only acknowledged my presence when I did something he could punish me for. He started the full blown shunning thing before I was even baptized and only subsided it somewhat afterwards untill I graduated high school and did not become a pioneer daughter that he could be proud of and brag about.
Our fathers are just bad people. I hope to never see mine again. Actually I think I will go to his funeral so I can spit on him.
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seedy3
I've felt that way abuot people, but not because they were Jdubs
Seedy
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benext
When I called home first my mother asked the person who picked up Who? Who? and then when she did take the call told me she would live longer than me.