Oops.... should start at the beginning of a story shouldn't I!
I've been lower than a serpent's belly as of late. Finances just got a whole lot worse; argued 5 times with monopolistic telephone company who took my payment (money from 'hubby') yet didn't re-connect me; went searching for my resume on hubby's computer and found child porn instead. I woke him after the disturbing find and he said he forgot to delete it, that he had opened a winzip file from a complete stranger and that was what it was. The jury is still out on that one. Hubby knew I was suicidal when he drove me home and said nor did anything. He could've dropped me in front of the NS (major psych hosptial here).
My oldest, Beth, had cleaned the house up. All I could do was sleep and cry. She kept asking me if I wanted to talk and I couldn't. Words were painful. She made a delicious supper and tried to get me to eat. I eventually gave in.. it smelled positively grand. She went off to bed and I continued to rock on my bed and cry and take pills and cry and take pills and pace and take pills - well, you get the idea. Cardinal Rule - reach out. I called someone from this site. This person got up at 2am and spent time with me that I will never forget. Remember reaching out is always scary and I didn't want to bother anyone. I had my suicide planned. I had begun to write letters and when I was done, I would 'leave'. Talking to this guardian angel calmed me down considerably, enough that I was ready for bed. There was a promise to call in the morning, as my DSL wasn't connected yet.
Morning. I get a message on my phone to call or email this guardian angel so that he/she knows I'm ok. My DSL is finally working so I email. I go back to sleep and wake up to a frantic message that he/she has called the police. I called my angel and said things were ok, only to have the RCMP pull up in my driveway. An itty bitty lil police officer named Holly came to my door and wouldn't leave. I ended up going to the ER with a police escort. (neighbors love this stuff) As we were approaching the ER doors I told her that this is just what every depressed person needs - to have a police escort through the waiting rooms. (ugh) Holly and I actually got to know one another quite well, and while tired, my sense of humor was holding me up.
This is the really good part. While Holly and I were waiting for the doc, I told her about my years as a JW. She didn't know much of them and I filled her in on ALL the latest goodies: pedophiles, shunning, kidnapping kids. All of it. I told her about Dateline, Panorama and Connie Chung. I told her they were dangerous because of the mind control and she quickly got the point. (I love this reverse witnessing! Especially to a cop!)
A nurse came in and I told her what was up or rather down with me - then Dr. Fletcher, who decided that I should see a shrink and I agreed but I didn't know it would be at the main Psych Hospital, 20 minutes away. I just wanted to go home. Holly and I got back into the car, me in the back and I remarked that even though I was exhausted, the back of a cop car was lacking in 'cosy'. We laughed and joked the whole way in.
Psych Hospital. I told Holly this would take several hours and she didn't believe me. Then I went through the reception.. blah blah blah. Then a RN came in with a clinical clerk and let Holly know this was going to take a looooooong time. Holly was set free and she motioned to me that she was sorry she had done this to me. I waved her off with a joke and said 'flee - go while you can'.
When nurse and I were done, she had compiled an entire page of small print issues on my plate. She shook her head in amazement that I was still in fact, standing. Then she gave me an analogy that I will never forget. She said to imagine a black button on her palm. She said if all I had to do to die was press that button, then press it. My whole self recoiled and I said out loud "Hell no!" I couldn't get over the effect that analogy had on me. For the first time in my life, I realized how much I loved living. It was profound.
Then the doctor saw me. I repeated it all again. I did say that if there is a next time, I'm bringing a tape recorder. I was beyond tired and a tad irriatable AND hungry PLUS the Diet coke machine took my money and I ended up with an expensive bottle of water! THAT was a crime! Even they hated that machine.
Then I had to find a way home. We all agreed that the cops should take me home since they dragged me there to begin with, but it doesn't work that way, so I called a neighbor. In the end, the day was far different than what I thought - but reaching out and having someone care enough to call in the calvary was ventilation for my brain and filled that hope tank up enough to face another day.
I'll never let this person off the hook though Guardian Angel thought the police would just leave when they saw I was ok. LOL But I can't thank this person enough. I needed a refresher course and I got one today. My neighbor drove me home and fed me pizza before I retired to my abode here. Diego was not pleased that I was gone all day.
I may still need to go into the hospital for a rest. My life is changing so fast that it is very hard to hold on. After today, I will have no hesitation in admitting myself if I slip that low again. I'm in for alot of rocky times. I'm seeing my family physician tomorrow and getting referred to a shrink. I'm also going to go in for a massage.
Thank you Simon and Ang for this site, where I have truly found family and friends who sincerely care. And thank you guardian angel. I've kept your name out of it unless you wanna tell them who you are. Thank you for caring. Thank you for calling the police, oh, and for a most interesting day
Mimilly/Salem of the 'another day another lesson learned' class