Rebound Relationships

onacruse

I really don't know where to start with this....it's so personal, and I'm so confused. But, here goes....

When I left Bethel, I was a basket case, and married my first wife while I was still in mental/emotional LimboLand. I loved her from the bottom of my heart (as best I can imagine what that means), and meant what I promised "till death do us part." After 9 years, that was gone..she had an affair with and married an elder "friend" of mine. Two years later I remarried (again in a state of traumatic shock)...I NEEDED a life-companion. That lasted 17 years (we even made a mutual non-divorce "death-pact", as it were), until I was df'd, and it became apparent that the only thing we had in common was the "truth." As per her request, we divorced (final 4 mos ago). <<leaving out a lot here>>

So, here I am, a young 50, and I don't want to live alone for the rest of my life. But, quite frankly, I'm AFRAID! Afraid of making a wrong decision, afraid of making the same mistakes I've made before, and, mostly, afraid of hurting someone else.

Thoughts? Advice? Experiences?

edit for PS: This is not a hypothetical question...I've met someone who means a lot to me, just don't know where to go from here.

Thanks,

Craig

Edited by - onacruse on 6 September 2002 4:5:6

songmistress

((((Craig))))

I feel like I owe you an apology for taking over in chat a earlier this evening. I have a tendancy to forget that others may also be going through their own *manure*. The pain of having a relationship not work has got to be the worst pain emotionally. And the fear of hurting someone you care about despite best intentions can be paralysing. As you know, I have no suggestions for you at this time, but I can offer you friendship and a hearing ear once I get over my meltdown.

I won't say much more at this time. But know that I love you and value your friendship. I have every confidence you will find an answer to your dilemma.

Blessings

Cheryl of the welcome to my world class

onacruse

((cheryl)) No apologies necessary. Your thoughts gave me the courage to even start this thread.

OUTLAW

Hey onacruise,your on the right path.You don`t want to make the same mistakes again.Good for you..I leave you with one line of wisdom from a poet:.If it dosen`t feel right,it`s not...OUTLAW

Fe2O3Girl

Hmmmm. I know what you mean. I hear a lot of stuff about how important it is to know yourself, love yourself, etc. with regard to pursuing relationships, basically inferring that you have to be able to function happily and be content on your own in order to have happy and functional (as opposed to disfunctional) relationship. I am not convinced.

I have not spent very long as as adult when I was not in a relationship. That is not to say that much of the time I spent in those relationships I was happier or better off than the good times while I was single. What I mean is that I think that it is natural to enjoy, want, need to have someone else in our lives. I do not believe that self knowledge and self respect gained as a single person is in itself more worthwhile than self knowledge and self respect developed while in a happy, loving relationship.

Your previous two relationships lasted a total of 26 years. Do you look back on all those years with regret, not taking any joy in your shared life with these people? I hope not. Just because a relationship has ended, should not infer that it was never worthwhile.

So, now there is someone new. Exciting! Why not enjoy your new romance? You do not have to make a massive commitment, your new friend should understand if you don't feel ready. That does not mean that you can't enjoy your feelings for each other. See what happens. If it lasts, great.

If you are open with this person about your past and present feelings and fears, then you are not setting them up for a fall.

All the best, Craig!

Tish

Craig,

I have been divorced for 4 months too! I got married at 17 yrs old in the troof, and was married 13 years!

I met someone few months later (which is why I got DF) and all the old logicalness of the troof at finding an ideal marriage mate does got out the window, I think you should stop thinking and use that thing called a heart after all it is an emotional bonding you want. The odds are I'm sorry to say stacked against 2nd timers etc. But you have to grasp each opportunity, and live your life.

Tish

onacruse

OUTLAW:"If it doesn't feel right, it's not." Yes, indeed....but my first 2 marriages felt soooooo right, at least to begin with, and for some time after. That's part of my fear.....will what feels so right to begin with endure? Heck, how would any of us know that anyway? lol Just pay the dime, and take the chance, I guess.

Fe2O3: I have many, many happy memories of my 26 married years! And, I still feel fondly for Judy and Susan. Part of my dilemna, in fact...I know that being married gives me great satisfaction and peace of heart. It's the vulnerability to pain and disappointment that gives me pause, and not primarily for my sake.

Tish: "live your life" Yeah, I'm still staggering in that direction...which is why the term "rebounding" came to mind....kinda like bouncing back and forth between the walls

Thanks to you all for your feelings!

Craig

SixofNine

Well, the fact that there is no pressure on you from misguided beliefs to get married should take an enormous load off of you.

Farkel

Craig,

: So, here I am, a young 50, and I don't want to live alone for the rest of my life. But, quite frankly, I'm AFRAID!

The best advice I can give you is that you must first be able to love and be comfortable with yourself before you can love and be comfortable with anyone else.

Farkel

Sentinel

(((((((((((((((Onacruse))))))))))))

My heart really goes out to you. My email is always open.

Try not to worry too much about all of this. Just try to find out what makes you happy and try to get your life into that groove. Work through any unresolved issues before attaching to someone else. This is the best "quick" advice I can offer.

I have a lifetime of "experiences" that have served me well. Some things, like you, I went through the difficult way. I'm 56, and just want you to know, that love lasts a lifetime. It may come and go, but there is no time table on relationships.

Sometimes, the best is really saved till last.

Love and Light,

Sentinel/Karen

Rebound Relationships

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