by onacruse 23 Replies latest social relationships
Go slow buddy, what's the rush? You don't need any commitments just yet. If this woman turns out to be the one, it will just happen naturally.
Now most rebound romances fail I think because they get pushed along too quickly. Almost like you have something to prove. A relationship can be compared to a good romp in the sack. The slow starting ones usually are the ones you'll remember. Quickies fade from memory.
Onacruse, you mentioned that you didn't want to make the same mistakes again.
Frankly, I fail to see where you made a "mistake" the first two times. You were married for 9 years and then 17 years. Those are long marriages and it shows that you certainly can trust your instincts in picking marriage mates.
I'd follow the sage advise of Farkel and get to know yourself first. Then, after awhile, when you feel comfortable with you, it'll be the time to think about marriage again.
Good luck to you. Love, Dutchie
onacruse,,,you do not mention how long you dated each of your wives
before getting married....
you have met someone who has touched your heart...how wonderful for you..
my advice is go for it...spend as much time as possible together,,,
get to know each other in every way possible...
but do this as friends...be open,,,be honest about everything...talk
talk and more talk...share,,share,,,share...be honest about "no
commitment" at this time...
you have a kind and tender heart ona,,,and obviously hate being alone..
why deprive yourself of some one who could be your soul mate...
go for it!!!!!!!! but go ever so slowly.....best wishes ona....
ona
you have e-mail
searcher.
Onacruse,
I just posted something similar to your thread under marriages. Please take your time on this relationship. I feel that I too married on the rebound when I was still emotionally fragile. I was certainly not ready for a relationship, because I now find myself with someone that was really not for me and I am debating wheather to end it. It has been a painful mistake.
I know exactly what you mean by being afraid of being "wrong" again. I don't think that I would be ready for marriage for a long time again.....too afraid of making the same wrong choices. I agree with LB...what's the rush? Take it slow and if she's the one, then she will understand your fears and hopefully will be very supportive. Celibrate that you have found somebody to share lifes joys with live life to the fullest with this person. Just take it slow.
((((ona)))) I agree with what's been said...why rush things?.
Some people have a need to be in a relationship. I used to be like that. I used to be desperate for love, feeling that it was all I needed to be happy. Ona, I am honestly happier than I have been in a long time because I'm not looking for my Prince Charming anymore. The goofy thing is that I am attracting some very nice men now, without even trying.You may be better off getting to know and love yourself first, if this relationship of yours doesn't work out.
It's really wonderful being single, being your own person. Don't expect too much out of people and they may surprise you. Learn to have fun, alone, and with that special someone! Life's too short, Sweetie.
Hey Onacruse,
When I left my wife of 15 years I was also a mess. I didn't know who I was, I got married young at 20. So I knew I had to do some exploring. All theses questions and thoughts I had needed to be answered. I went out with several woman and realized that they were totally different than my ex-wife ( that was cool ). It took time but I found out more what I didn't want than what I wanted. I Did this for about 5 years, had a lot of fun, weird experiences, ect. No more questions, they've all been answered. It took time but I found what I wanted and I didn't settle for less, So now I live with my best friend. There's nothing she doesn't know about me, we'll get married when it feels right. Don't worry, figure out what you want, take your time and NEVER settle for less.
In the truth, rebound relationships end up in marriage. Whereas in the real world, a rebound relationship will go the way of the wind until you find the right partner, hopefully. Time is on your side now .......... no having to have chaperones, explain who "they" are, no questioning someone's elders or answering to your own.
When you meet a nice person and they live far away, you won't have to get them a hotel room........hell, they can sleep on the couch and the elders won't be assuming that because a person of the opposite sex spent the night in your house, that you slept together. You won't have to explain to elders why your date doesn't have at least 10 hours and that still makes him/her a nice person!!
Dating in the world is so much easier because you have time to get to know the person without having the pressure of automatically thinking/discussing marriage!!
onacraig,
oh gawd, i so relate.
You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings on this.
Here are my two cents:
At first I fell hard and screwed it all up. Wuz still aiming for perfection. Gawd, it still smarts.
Then I exercised my rights to "date" and to learn from the whole experience,
being honest with all parties about where i wuz at the moment.
I've made mistakes but i'm learning so incredibly much
and enjoying the journey.
In February, i decided to take 6 months off from even
considering a relationship of ANY sort (other than strictly friendships).
I expected to feel reeeeeeally desirous of a "relationship" after that time.
But now, at the end of the six months, the opposite has actually happened.
So much static has cleared up and I'm loving the time
to work on my relationship with myself, basically.
I'm like, hell, i think i'll take six months more! LOL.
nah, no actual time limit anymore...but just enjoying some time for myself.
I must admit, there is one individual i am increasingly enamoured with.
But I need/want more time. So I haven't made any real moves. And that's ok. (for now)
I take comfort in the thought that if he had any inkling...he'd understand.
So I just fully enjoy worshipping him from afar, without his knowledge (i think). LOL.
Yes, inactivity is as much a risk as action at times.
I could lose any chance at something neat with this person.
Especially if i'm too quiet about it, cuz he may or may not be aware of how i feel.
I say, stand up for your rights to take it as slooooow or fast as you need to at this time.
Anyway, that's what i tell myself. And i'm getting better at following it.
"Timing" can be challenging.
Then again, sometimes i just have to ask myself
"which will i regret more, acting on this or not acting on this?"
(*this* being whatever relationship possiblity that has presented itself).
One day at a time. One "potential" at a time.
As far as I'm concerned, Love Is A Gamble No Matter What.
Don't be too afraid to take the occasional risk either.
Assess your risk tolerance and be true to that.
Am i making any sense? If not, well, now you know why i call myself:
SPAZ
ps - i think itz great u show concern for potentially hurting someone else. but i hope you won't let that immobilize you. maybe let it motivate you to be as honest as possible, so the other person can decide what risks they are willing to take. it's a noble thought, but i don't think it's entirely possible or entirely your responsibility to ensure other people don't get hurt. as long as you are being honest, give them some credit to make some decisions of their own too about their own risk tolerance.
(((((((((((((Craig))))))))))))))
You've gotten some incredibly good advise here and I don't know what I can offer that is different from what everyone else has said except from my own experience in life for what it's worth.
I've learned that to love and to have lost has been better than to never have loved at all. (Sorry I think that's a song or something....) :o\
I've learned that there is NO GREATER PAIN (not even childbearing) than a broken heart, and nothing better than the euphoric feeling of the body rush when two lovers...........you get the idea. ;o)
I've learned that I have found my greatest strength from my deepest sorrow, life is bitter sweet.
I've learned to pay attention to the "mistakes" I've made, learn my part in them, the what's, why's and most importantly HOW not to do "that" again.
I've learned to not let my past hold me back from experinencing the present, and that involves risk sometimes the risk is great and sometimes small. To open your heart is a risk, but to keep it closed is a shame.
I've learned to listen to my gut feelings, they are always right when my heart has betrayed me time and again.
My gut feelings about you are that you can and will do what is right for Craig just be patient with yourself. You are after all young, and have pleanty of years ahead of you, enjoy life experience it, don't be afraid of living, of loving or of recieving love. You are such a caring man already concerned with hurting someone else, with that kind of attitude I don't see how you could cause anyone hurt, just don't let it paralize you from experiencing something really sweet in your life now.
Now the big question to you is who is this woman who has stollen your heart? I wanna take her out! Just give me 5 minutes with her..............LOL Just kidding, really Craig all my best wishes for you in whatever you choose to do, somebody is mighty lucky to have captured your attention!
Wishing you the best in love and life,
bc
