I have been reading posts here for several months, which has helped me to keep from going insane. My doubts came when I finally got the nerve to leave a bad marriage, why did i stay so long. Because I was ashamed and really scared of what "Jehovah" would think of me. I felt I would be letting him down, but one day I just said If I get life or not I don't care anymore I have to get out of this miserable marriage, so I packed and left. Hubby knew I had had enough and was leaving so told the brothers and they came over to see us but I had nothing to say to them, treated them nicely but gave no info to them.
When I got to my new city I had time to surf the net and found this site among others, 1914 lie about knocked me off my feet, then the UN was a blow I couldn't deal with so I called the UN to talk to someone there, I just had to know if this was the truth so had them fax me info letter, you see I felt I couldn't trust what was on the internet.
Needless to say I am all over the page with my feelings from scared to mad to anxious, I don't have anyone to confide in, still going to the hall but sporadically the last 2 months, can't hardly stand to be there. Was there 3 weeks ago on Sunday and the speaker gave talk on staying loyal to the orginization, said why would you want to go outside because the only true love is in this orginization, i got so mad i started to leave at that moment but managed to hold it together until the end of talk but when song was on i exited, plans was to stay for WT study but couldn't handle it. I just can't take going and faking it often.When I moved here 6 months ago I was still staunch witness, made all the meetings, did my quota in service etc. Now I try to go out of town almost every weekend and work late on meeting nights to have excuse not to go. I haven't been in 3 weeks so I am planning on going Sunday to show my face, they'll all be asking me where I've been that they have missed me. I wish I had known what I know now when I moved here I would never have gone to the meetings regular nad never would have allowed myself to get close to them. Somehow I have got to deal with this, I hate going to the hall with a passion, I just want to slowly fade away and not give away my reasons so as to be D/F/DA. I just don't know how much I can stand. I don't have any friends in this new city, and am scared to make any with "people of the world", boy they have done a number on me. I want to live again after 27 years of someone else doing my living for me.
Your posts are what I look for on a daily basis, I'm so glad that I found you. Thanks for being here and for letting me share.
Sincerely, livingagain