The past five weeks have been perhaps the most painful in my life as a Witness.
Some months ago a young man (I'd say in his late thirties or early forties) began attending meetings at my Kingdom Hall. He had just moved to my area from another state. He had disassociated himself from his home congregation many years back, when he was 20 years old and going through many of the typical trials and temptations most young men experience.
Two of the elders met with him initially, and they later shared the details with the body of elders. The young man had confessed to living what he called a deeply sinful life, but had completely cleaned his life up over the past five years. He even moved across the country by himself in order to sever ties with people who were negative influences in his life, hence his presence in my congregation.
His return to the congregation was sincere and heartfelt, moreso than I have perhaps ever seen in a brother or sister who has "returned to the flock," so to speak. His attendance at each meeting was regular from the get-go. He was always well dressed. He always had a smile on his face. His singing was unexpectedly audible and, quite frankly, exquisite (an unusual quality of late). Brothers and sisters were constantly greeting him because he "looked' like a brother (though of course he had to tell them he wasn't reinstated yet, at which point naturally those brothers and sisters stopped greeting him at subsequent meetings). He was even once mistaken for the visiting elder who was to give the public talk one Sunday morning.
All in all, there was just something powerfully endearing about this young man who had spent years cleaning up his life and made a humbling step back into a Kingdom Hall with the desire to be reinstated.
Then came the recent convention. Which is the last convention I shall ever attend.
The new brochure was released that discussed separated ones who would be welcomed back with so-called open arms. While the brochure seemed to be a signal of a more merciful embrace of ones who have been inactive, or even disfellowshipped or disassociated, I noticed nothing but indifference from elders on the matter.
The young man was at the convention I attended. At this point he had been regularly attending for a little over three months. After that, I stopped seeing him at meetings.
By chance I ended up seeing him at the local grocery store last week. I took the opportunity to speak to him and inquire as to how he was doing.
He was, in his own words, "broken and devastated." Why? Well, he told me that after the convention he was elated at the new brochure and was excited at the prospect of being reinstated soon. He then went to the COBE and had a brief discussion wherein he said he wanted to formally request reinstatement ASAP. The COBE shot him down. The COBE told him that it would probably take six months more before he could even request reinstatement. The young man asked why so long. The COBE's answer, according to the young man, was that the BOE had to be absolutely certain of his sincerity to re-associate with Jehovah's Witnesses, and that many more months of regular attendance would demonstrate proof of that sincerity (which, to the COBE at least, mean evidence of repentance).
The young man then reiterated to the COBE that he had already spent years cleaning up his life, which in itself is a repentant act. He then moved alone across the country to sever ties with bad associations. He had been regularly attending meetings for three months. And so he asked what more could he possibly do that he hadn't already done. The COBE's response: "we can't just take your word for it, you have to prove your sincerity."
The young man was crushed, utterly discouraged. And so he decided to stop attending meetings.
What he said to me was powerfully eye-opening: he compared himself to the prodigal son who had lived a sinful life but then "came to his sense," walked a very long road back to a clean life, and yet when he was "a far way off" his father (i.e., the BOE by illustration) didn't come run to him, he was required to crawl all the way back to the front door as if groveling.
He said it was a humiliation he didn't anticipate. And this is what got me: he said the lack of mercy was contrary to the "voice of the shepherd" he had hoped to hear, and that he could only conclude that he had been a sheep among wolves for the three months he had been seeking a "return to the flock."
He felt deceived.
And he in fact WAS deceived.
This utterly tore my heart apart. This was a young man who turned his life around and sought mercy, only to be slapped in the face because he hadn't proven his repentance (which cannot possibly be measured by meeting attendance). This is not what Jehovah does. It's not what Christians should do.
And so I have decided to formally leave my congregation, and to disassociate. It will happen soon, but I need to first write what I need to write.
I don't make this decision lightly. I have spent my life as one of Jehovah's Witnesses in association with the WTBTS. But this experience moved me so deeply, so painfully. To see this young man -- this good, decent, humble, and repentant young man -- so visibly crushed, when he should have been warmly and exuberantly embraced, has opened my eyes in ways I could never have anticipated, after all these years. And this knowing that quite a number of active Witnesses in my own congregation don't even come close to this young man's humble sincerity.
This experience has opened my eyes also to my own inclination to the very JW arrogance that was inflicted on this young man, who I remain in touch with regularly. For that, I have my own repentance to pursue. But this experience also demonstrated to me that the systemic issues among Jehovah's Witnesses are beyond chronic. They are terminal. And its cause goes far beyond just the control of the Governing Body.
As such, my conscience moves me to conclude that I can no longer remain with my family of brothers and sisters. It is a family where abuse is not only rampant, but is policy -- willful policy -- masquerading as spiritual caution.
This is not an easy decision for me, especially after years of boldly defending the JW family, in spite of my dissident views of the Watchtower Society. I cannot defend the family anymore. It has abused a truly innocent young man whose sincerity, kindness, and humility are unimpeachable. And THAT is absolutely reprehensible.
More later. I just wanted to share this with everyone, which by the way includes a deep and heartfelt apology to any I may have offended in some comments I may have made in previous months.
BROTHER JERAMY
