Hi to everyone on this board - I have been around reading many of your posts for some time now but have only just felt strong enough to post my own thoughts. The Watchtower has left me with guilty feelings that I find hard to cope with at times. My story in the "truth" started when I was 18 years old. I started a bible study and absolutely reveled in it. The feeling of having so many instant friends really appealed to me and I grabbed it with both hands. I was totally convinced that this was Gods Organization and never even thought that my baby girl would even start school. I accepted everything that was dished out to me and didn' t question their teachings as I believed this was going against Jehovahs representatives. As I got older though I started to have doubts and felt unsatisfied with alot of the teachings within the organization.But all the doubts I started to have were pushed aside, afraid that I was developing independent thinking that would make me Jehovahs enemy. One point I always felt really uncomfortable with was how Jehovah could justify allowing so much suffering to take place to prove his sovreignty. I often felt really weird inside when I used to say this to people on the ministry as I couldn,t even get to grips with it myself. The immense suffering that goes on in the world seems too great for God to use it as an "example" to mankind. I also didn't agree with the policy of isolating your children from children outside the meetings. I have 2 daughters and felt It just wasn't natural to resrict them in the way the society wanted me to. I actually considered the children at the Kingdom Hall worse assosciation than their school friends, so to me this made no sense to me at all. I slowly started to drift away about 5 years ago and stopped going to the meetings completely about 3 years ago. I hadn,t yet read any alternative information on JWs, only their own publications but when I started researching on the web and found this and other sites all my own thoughts felt normal at last and not evil as they would have me believe. I read articles that exposed their double standards and hipocrisy and was completely shellshocked and bitter. I would never have admitted that I was brainwashed but I have been. At the moment I am finding it very hard to reconcile my thoughts and feel really screwed up inside. I am glad I,ve left but I feel emotionally damaged and very sad that I spent so many years in fear to live my life. I am so glad that I have found this board, I think this is what I need as I do need help to come to terms with being part of this controling organization. How have any of you recovered from the feelings and thought control imposed upon you by the watchtower and when did you finally feel like a person in your own right again as at the moment I feel I have no identity.
Thank for listening