I cant move on!!!!!

by In_between_days 30 Replies latest jw friends

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    In between days

    Recovery is not about putting the past out of our minds and forgetting it. As many of the above have stated, the past is a part of us. Like any abuse victim we need to deal with that part of our experience.

    We need to be angry for a while, and that may or may not be in proportion to how long we were "in" but it will definitely be in proportion to how badly we were hurt - or are being still hurt by this org.

    Most people find it much easier to get angry at what was done to others. We find it a lot harder to identify how we personally were hurt. But that is the crucial part of recovery. What this did to us. And the things that affect us most when we read another person's story is probably the thing that strikes closest to our own pain.

    A lot of people don't read the stories (or poems) because it strikes too close to home. But I believe those stories or poems can offer us the best opportunity to look at and closely examine our own pain.

    But just feeling our pain is not enough. The next question is what to do with it? Learning how the experience has affected us and continues to affect us is crucial. Without understanding it is very hard to overcome the effects.

    One of the problems for many of us is that the experience is on-going especially if we still have family who are "in" and who shun us even a bit.

    If you notice, our anger and our pain are closely linked. And they are often proportional to each other. We cannot deal with one without dealing with the other. And after years "in" there are probably a lot of issues to deal with.

    I often use the analogy of the onion. We need to peel the onion layer by layer. Each layer is an issue. And I think the longer we were in, or more strongly we believed, the bigger the onion (or maybe it is a bushel of onions for some of us). With each layer there are tears along with the anger.

    The work is long and difficult. I think that it is made more difficult because as JWs we weren't allowed to be real - to authentically feel what was going on inside of us. We are not used to thinking about our feelings or why we feel that way or think that way about things. So not only do we need to get thinking again in a real way but we need to learn that our feelings are OK. They are feelings - an expression of what is inside of us. Honoring those feelings is part of how we accept ourselves (a thing that was not allowed while a JW)

    As to the issue of forgiveness. I still believe two things are required. The person who hurt us must ask for forgiveness and they must stop doing the thing that hurt us. In this case the WTS has not done that.

    I have never had anyone (inside the org or not) tell me they were sorry. But that has not stopped my recovery. I can deal with my anger and pain. And I can learn from it. I can learn enough to make sure I don't fall into the same trap again. And I can let go of the hurt from the past but still using the knowledge I gain as a tool to protect me in the future.

    Like any abuse victim is vulnerable to get involved in another situation of abuse after leaving the first I think we too are vulnerable. Many of us (and I think I am one of these) are too scared to get involved in anything that smacks of control by others. Knowledge is power. The more I understand the dynamics of abuse in general to less vulnerable I am to falling into its clutches again. This is why it is so important to understand all the parts of how we got involved (even for those who were born into it) and what kept us there.Then we can make sure it doesn't happen again

  • WildHorses
    WildHorses

    IBW,

    The only thing that helped me was....................Time. It took me about three years to get over my JW experience. I would read forum, go to chat rooms, everything. I was a regular in a Paltalk chat room for over a year..

    Now, I only come here and to another forum. I like the people I've come to know so I find it hard to leave.

    Don't try so hard to get over it. It will happen on it's own.............in time.

  • Mum
    Mum

    I recommend pursuing your education and career. If you have time, why not do some volunteer work, a way to find that others need your help, too. I also recommend therapy and self help books. A good start (worked for me anyway!) is Dr. Wayne Dyer's Your Erroneous Zones.

    Best wishes. Keep coming back!

  • outoftheorg
    outoftheorg

    Hello In Between.

    You have many different posts here to get info from. I agree with several.

    I didn't completely read all of them so if I seem redundant here forgive me.

    I mentaly left the borg in 1980 and was df'd in 1991. It is a little over 11 years now and I still have the anger and grief. BUT it is greatly reduced. I read a lot in the beginning to find clear proof of the wbts lies and coverups and twisting of the scriptures. I used this info to destroy any lingering doubts and any lingering erroneous beliefs and teachings from the wbts. This went on about 2 yrs.

    I was in the borg from birth about 50 yrs. I learned that since it took a long time to get this way it would not clear up overnight. It would take some time.

    In about 4 years I was comfortable with my life. Since you have not spent 50 years in the borg I would think you will need less time to get your life to a comfortable level.

    I look at my time in the borg as a time of trauma and chaotic mental abuse. It was a part of my life and so it is a part of me. I still have relatives and children in the borg and as you stated this can be a troubleing thing in your life. But this also cleared up and it is no longer a major worry for me.

    You will find your measure of peace and happiness. It just takes a little time. Relax and enjoy all the good things that life brings your way.

    You will always have memories and a disgust for the wbts. That is natural reaction of the human mind. It will serve as a warning and a helpful thing if you ever consider another religion for example.You will know what to look out for and have the needed knowledge to avoid a repeat of this situation. This gained knowledge about cults will help you avoid many of lifes pitfalls in areas other than just religion.

    All of lifes experiences are helpful in that we gain knowledge about life and its tangles.

    Wishing you a long and healthy and happy life.

  • metatron
    metatron

    Here's how we will heal.

    The pressure on the Watchtower will not abate or go away. They lose more contributions
    and court cases. Their name and reputation get ruined by endless lawsuits and protests.
    Their doctrine crumbles bit by bit as lies and shallow thinking get exposed daily.
    They lose trained, skilled, educated people they can't survive without. Branches
    in Europe get shut down from lack of support.

    Meanwhile, you and I get a solid education, retirement savings, and the freedom
    to lead our lives as we wish.

    We wake up one morning and casually remember that, except for a few elderly
    holdouts with no place to go, the Watchtower is finished.

    that's healing

    metatron (and it's coming)

  • Navigator
    Navigator

    jst21aws is correct. The subject of forgiveness could be a thread all its own. As jst21 pointed out, failure to forgive binds that person or organization to you and gives them the power to disturb your peace and delay your healing. If you want them to disappear from your life, along with the pain and distress they have caused, you must forgive for your own sake. However, the kind of forgiveness I am talking about goes beyond just choosing to overlook a wrong that you believe was done to you. It means coming to a realization that the Real You, that part of you created in the image and likeness of God, that part of you that will survive this earthly experience, is unharmed and untouched by the experience with the WTS. Was it a learning experience? You bet it was! Was it painful? Certainly! Will there be consequences to the WTS for the damage they have done to families and individuals? Probably! But we shouldn't delight in their demise, although the human part of me is sorely tempted. That is vengence and not really healing. I live with this situation every day as my wife is a full time Pioneer. I have experienced first hand the destruction wrought by the WTS in family life and family values and live with it every day. One of my 6 children is still in because he can't get out without losing his wife. My contact with him is rather limited and I know he feels the pain of not being able to associate with his brothers and sisters.

    Reading the work of those who specialize in healing can help. Dr. Wayne Dyer has already been suggested. I found Joel Goldsmith, Walter Starke, and A Course in Miracles helpful as well.

  • Satanus
    Satanus

    Forgiveness is fine, but not necessary. Sustained anger can adversely effect the health. Once the anger level has been brought down, forgiveness is a non issue. Feeling that not forgiving will somehow have negative results is just another vestigial bible idea. Making it a necessity is actually laying another burden on the victim.

    SS

  • TTBoy
    TTBoy

    I thought I could not go on either, I had not gone to the KH for 10 years. I guess I just ignored or tried to forget. Recently I've taken a pro active approach and tried to be objective and learn about JWs. For those ten years I would still go to the memorial, I suppose cause I still believed it was "the truth". Since I've gotten informed by sites like this and reading,,,,,I've made a firm decision to never step foot into a KH again!

    My family is 4th generation JW so the ties are strong. Yes there is anger because you want your loved ones to "open their eyes". Though you have anger, do you not feel relief that you know what deception and changing of views this proclaimed pure and true organization has? Take comfort in that.

    Look at the larger picture, you have potentially 6 billion people to chose your friends from, not 6 million. Obvousely you have more common sense than the rank & file because you learned what's really going on in the Borg. Trial and error and taking chances are risky. You may get burned or have great results. Either way, YOU made those decisions to mold YOUR future and will be a better person because YOU CHOSE to do them and WEREN'T TOLD!

    Don't think of your time spent in the Borg as a waste, you did what you were doing because you thought it was right at the time. Now you know different and use it to your advantage.

    Keep you head up! There is life after mind controll. - TT

  • Introspection
    Introspection
    Intro how can you be "over it completely" if you are here?? LOLOL

    Lovesdubs, just because I'm posting a message here you believe that's proof that I can't be completely over it? Does anyone who ever walk into a Kingdom Hall or any other church get or stay caught up in it? It so happens I've left the board for months at a time because I come and go when I want, not because I need to keep coming back. A business man can live near a Kingdom Hall and appear to be a witness, but appearances are deceiving. Actually, perception is deceiving.

    You don't suppose it's possible that someone could really offer advice like this for the benefit of others and have nothing to gain do ya? In fact, if you help others in order to help yourself it's ultimately a selfish motive isn't it? Do you really believe that everyone who helps others ultimately has a selfish motive?

    I am not picking on you, but I am challenging that belief, simply because it is part of the whole "can't ever get over it" belief, and we can agree that causes suffering, regardless of whether you think it's true.

    There are two things that prevent people from moving on, and that's belief and judgement. All I'm asking people to do is to temporarily give up belief, and see how well it works. But to see that you have to give it a fair chance instead of making a judgement about it after trying it for a little while just once, or maybe not at all. I never said it's going to fix you overnight, you're only going to see the value of it after you give it a fair chance. You are certainly not going to get anywhere if you don't give up the belief that it's not possible. As I said, why do you need to hold the belief if it's true? If it's true it will prove itself in time, you can see if it's still the case at a point in the future and say "ok, it's still there", but then again at that point there is not a *definite* judgement that you can make about the future from that point on.

    To answer your question directly, though, I am here because ex-Jehovah's Witnesses are people too. If some of them want to stick with the identity that's them, not me. I don't descriminate against ex-JW's, and I'm not going to go to another board on a different religion because people believe the history matters. Someone who's never even been in a Kingdom Hall can tell you the same thing, (isn't that where we got the helpful stuff from originally? Witnesses aren't going to tell you how to leave or cope with leaving) but the listener believes the advice holds more weight coming from someone who's been there, but there is such a thing as looking at the advice itself and seeing if it makes sense. If you look at the person too much, one can easily make a judgement based on the number of years the person has been in, various other circumstances, or ultimately if they can't deny the fact they can always say "that guy's the exception to the rule" - all to support one's belief that you are doomed to suffer from the JW history forever. Of course, you're always going to have different circumstances, even the person that seems to have an experience almost identical to your own will NOT actually have the same experience. There's always going to be something specific to your personal situation, but if we dismiss anything that's a bit different from our own situation we might as well not listen to anyone here, it can turn into complaint central with no suggestions whatsoever.

    So as a group, I can't say that ex-JW's has a special place in my heart anymore. But that just means that I care if you're just human, I don't really care what your past is even if I understand where you're coming from. Your wound is not you, I am interested in the real person.

    Edited by - Introspection on 11 September 2002 14:30:47

  • AwakenedAndFree
    AwakenedAndFree

    Dear In-between_Days',

    Yes, it is true that recurrent thoughts of Watchtower experiences depress us. Please dwell on the positive side - think how beautiful it is to know that God allowed us to distinguish the difference between God's Word of Truth that never changes, to the Watchtower's "truth" of ever-changing re-interpretation of scripture to fit the organization and times.

    Thank Our Heavenly Creator for giving us discernment; and keep praying to God for strenght and guidance in your life.

    Jeremiah 23:23: " Am I a God nearby." is the utterance of Jehovah, "and not a God far away?"

    PSALMS 124:6,7,8 - (6): Blessed be Jehovah, who has not given us As a prey to their teeth. (7) :Our soul is like a bird that is escaped From the trap of baiters. The trap is broken, And we ourselves have escaped. (8): Our help is in the name of Jehovah, The Maker of heaven and earth."

    Christian Love.

    AwakenedAndFree.

    Edited by - AwakenedAndFree on 11 September 2002 22:56:37

    Edited by - AwakenedAndFree on 11 September 2002 23:31:18

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