Janiemh, I can relate. My daughter had to have emergency surgery last year for a severe knee infection she developed from contracting Gonorhea (sp?). My daughter was 16 at the time, rebellious, etc. After she was released from the hospital, she had an antibiotic IV in her arm for 6 weeks. Since I had to work, and she needed help with the IV, my mother allowed my daughter to go stay with her and my father for the first week, then my daughter would have learned how to change the IV solutions herself, etc. Anyway, the entire week my daughter was there at their house, my father acted as though my daughter wasn't even there. He never said one, single solitary word to her, didn't acknowledge when she said anything to him, she tried to hug him and he turned away. I didn't even know this was going on until she came home and told me, otherwise I would have brought her home right away and told my father to *&%# off! Whether this is something that comes from the org, I can only say that from my experience with my father and my family, it was something they learned from their involvement with the org. Now that the org has begun treating disassociated ones as if they are df'd, this will only increase. My daughter was never baptized, and my father had no good reason to completely avoid my daughter as though he hated her.
Shunning your own teenage daughter?
by janiemh 27 Replies latest jw friends
-
-
MegaDude
This tactic that your misguided husband is using is because of his poor self-esteem. He withholds love as a punishment. I wonder, did you talk to your daughter and tell her that her father was being an asshole? If you didn't, why not? Why would you encourage your daughter to have a relationship with a man that would treat her this way, whether he is her father or not?
I grew up in this situation so I can empathize. I remember as a third grader when I wanted to stay home on Thursday nights to watch Star Trek with my father instead of going to the meeting, my mother looked at me with murderous glances as she walked out the door with my siblings. She knew how to break me. She stopped being nice to me. She stopped talking to me. She became mean to me all the time. My father didn't know this was going on since he was work usually late. When the family went swimming in the summer afternoons, I was not allowed to swim, while my younger brothers and sisters who did go the meetings were having a good time. I remember goofing around with my younger brother Ken after they got home from the meeting one night and I hadn't gone. My mother screamed at me "Don't you touch him!!!!!" After a while, I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the meetings.
Tell your daughter that your father is being a jerk, he is mentally screwed up, or whatever you have to, but that it is NOT her fault he is giving her the silent treatment. I would encourage her not to take that sort of treatment from ANY man, father, boyfriend, whatever. Tell her you respect her decision to distance herself from her father. That's a good thing. Tell her your sorry she has to experience this, but make sure she knows you love her and will support her.
Edited by - megadude on 18 September 2002 12:50:1
-
janiemh
oh, Lin. How awful! I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone can be so cold. Especially to a child. And ESPECIALLY TO YOUR DAUGHTER OR GRAND DAUGHTER. Sometimes, I feel like I can NEVER forgive my husband for being like that. and that he should NOT be given a chance to change and make it up to her. Then, I go back to trying to be forgiving and understanding and to remember that he did not intentionally hurt her. He does love her and in his twisted mind, this is how he thought he should handle it. (By the way, I start counseling for myself on Monday-can you tell that I need it?
-
janiemh
megadude-that must have been horrible for you as a child. I am so sorry to hear that. Would your dad have stepped in had he known all that? Did you try telling him?
I did tell my daughter that I did not agree with or approve of what he was doing to her. and I neither encourage, nor discourage her to talk to him. I do tell her that he does love her because I think he does, he just sucks at showing it. She thinks he hates her and I know he doesn't and I also know that I don't want her to think he does. I do think she is angry with me, though, for allowing it and trying to stay out of it. I figured it would run it's own course and dad would lose in the end. I didn't know how much my daughter would lose in the process. I probably should have demanded that he deal with it, not just ignore it to spare his feelings.
-
MegaDude
I'm being blunt, and I apologize in advance, Janie, if you feel I'm stepping on your toes, as it were, but your husband is not a good guy deep down. There is no such person. An asshole is an asshole. An asshole is not a good person deep down inside. Your daughter is right to be frustrated with you. You tell her that her father loves her and he treats her like dirt. What sort of screwed-up message do you think you're sending your daughter? You're staying out of the conflict between your husband and your daughter? No wonder your daughter is frustrated with you. Rightly so. He's treating her badly. You are not supporting her. Excuse me for being blunt but you are *her mother.*
-
janiemh
megadude-no apology necessary. I need feedback-both positive and negative. This is all so difficult. I understand what you are saying. What if he recognizes the damage he has done and works to correct it and make it up to her, and me? This is what he is promising to do. I know that it will take a long time for him to prove that, and for her to trust him again. Some days I'm willing to spend the time, other days I think "I got out-now I should just stay out and let it end" It's hard to be loving to someone, though, when they mistreat someone you love, you know?
-
SixofNine
You tell your husband that this stranger read about what he did to his daughter, and this stranger feels like beating him with my fist until he has hurt as much or more than he hurt his daughter.
It was sex. You know, that normal thing that humans do.
Withholding love from your daughter because of it though.... now there's a dog that should be put down.
And yes, I would suspect that witness theology affected your husbands attitude for the bad, though not so directly as to actually tell him to do this; I'm sure he came up with the treatment all on his own, and I'm sure there is more to it than the witnesses. But there is no excuse.
-
footprints
You said she did it one time and then cried all the next day. That doesn't sound like practicing sin. It sounds like a one time thing that she wishes hadn't happened.
So many wonderfull children so few good parents?
-
DakotaRed
Jan, your estranged husband needs a swift kick in the butt. Your daughter doesn't deserve his cold shoulder nor is she damaged goods. She is a 15 year old that was used for someone else gratification and maybe even, the victim of date rape. For a father to shun his own daughter when she needs him the most is horrible.
I wish you all well and hope the counseling goes well. Love your daughter and give all of you big hugs from me ((((()))))
-
janiemh
Sounds like maybe I need to get a backbone!!??