Shunning your own teenage daughter?

by janiemh 27 Replies latest jw friends

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  cruzanheart

  Hey, that's what therapy is for! It should give you some confidence in yourself and help your daughter through this very difficult time. She's at an age when her father's approval is all-important to her, so withholding it nukes her entire world. Slap him upside the head for me, will you? And give your daughter a great big hug from all of us on this website. You too, while you're at it. You are doing great - you're doing something proactive to get your feelings sorted out and it will work out. You'll be a stronger person for it.

  Lots of love to you both,

  Nina
• 

  outoftheorg

  Hello again Jan.

  Glad you set me straight on the way you talk to your daughter. You have many replies here to draw from. I hope this is of some help to you.

  I tend to not suggest taking steps that will put an end to a marriage without at least an attempt to heal the family. If your husband would agree to counseling "not from elders" with a professional counselor that included you and your children I would suggest you try this. At least this way you don"t have to look back with doubts about your actions. This way you have no- if only I had-or we might have made it if- to deal with in the future.

  I would not be surprised if you found your husband to be a very confused person due to his association with jw's and what they will indoctrinate in him. This causes illogical thought patterns and makes an angry person even angrier and frustrated. It is obvious that he does not know how to handle this situation in a rational way. It is obvious that he needs help. If he accepts the help he could become a very different person. If he refuses and carries on as he is, you can take any steps you need to protect you and your family.

  If the anger gets worse and you or the children are in any way in danger, take imediate steps to protect your selves

  I hope this turns out in a way that provides you and the children peace and contentment.

  Outoftheorg
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  janiemh

  outoftheorg-thank you so much. I agree with you. If he won't go to counseling, probably both marriage and family, there is no way I will go back. NO WAY! And I would not counsel with JW elders if my life depended on it. (according to them, it probably does. Ha!) I have my own apartment now. I have an escape. I don't have to see him at all if I don't want to. Neither does my daughter. And that is a huge relief. It may take a long time to learn if this will work or not. We have MAJOR differences to try to work through. But like you said, if I don't try, I might look back thinking, what it?

  To all of you who want to knock him upside the head-I appreciate your input, too! It is how I feel sometimes. He claims to be changing, but I have heard it before. We'll see!
• 

  AGuest

  Dearest Janie... may you have peace!

  And may I ask you to ask your husband... just WHO it is that he is 'serving'... GOD... or man? If he answers that it is God, then may I ask you to ask him who it is that TAUGHT us HOW to 'serve' God... man... or God's Son? And then, may I ask you to ask him... what would God's SON do... in such a situation - would he JUDGE and CONDEMN... or would he show mercy... and forgiveness?

  Tell your husband that is his OWN flesh, your daughter... and that God did not condemn David... nor Rahab... nor Mary the Magdalene... but because of His love for THEM... as shown to His Son... He FORGAVE them... and allowed His Son to 'cover over' their error. And for this, all of them dedicated their very lives... to God and Christ.

  Tell your husband that if he does not want to BE judged... but wants to be released for HIS sins and errors... then he must NOT judge, but rather, he, too, must "go releasing". For with the same judgment that he is judging, he will BE judged. And tell him that while he might tell himself, "Well, I didn't DO what she (your daughter) did,"... all sin... IS sin. There is no 'ranking' of sin with God. For the wages of sin... whatEVER such sin might be...is death. Therefore, if HE wishes to be forgiven and released from HIS sins... then he must 'follow closely' in the footsteps of the Christ, who himself, althought 'without sin'... went forgiving... and releasing. Thus, it is HE that is our 'leader,' and we are to have NO other.

  Matthew 23:10 Matthew 7:1-5 Luke 6:37

  Again, I bid you peace.

  Your servant and a slave of Christ,

  SJ
• 

  Beck_Melbourne

  Janie

  I believe your husband is emotionally neglecting your daughter, possibly prompted by his own anger and frustration over the marriage breakdown.

  Whatever the case may be, your daughter is your first concern. Show you daughter a lot of love and affection...and teach her that she does not need her father's love and approval to enjoy life. I learnt this the hard way...I craved love and understanding from my own mother, but it just wasn't there...she was so ill equipped as a parent.

  But your daughter has you, and so it is up to you to reassure her that she is dearly loved and that you will be there for her. The relationship between her and her father can only be repaired if he wants it to be....until then, she can do without his conditional love.

  You need to help her move on without him...and if he wants her in his life, he can either snap out of mood and join the party, or carry on with his life without her.

  His form of punishment (to shun or ignore) is not always JW related. Worldly parents do it to their kids too when they are displeased with their behaviour. You should make up for where he lacks and just be a supportive mother for her daughter, she's the one that matters.

  Beck
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  janiemh

  Aguest and Beck-thank you for your thought-provoking posts. I appreciate it so much.

  Beck-what's strange, is that my husband DID commit the same sin when he was a teenager. He has a very judgemental attitude, you are right. I cannot believe how someone could be so cold to their own child. He is trying to communicate with her now but she said "when I needed him the most in my life, he wasn't there. and now he wants to 'talk'" She doesn't have hate for him, just indifference. I do know that without their relationship being repaired, our relationship (he and I) will not survive.

  Someone said you should separate your "wife" role and your "mother" role. But I disagree. and I cannot do it. I tried. It doesn't work for me.
• 

  Beck_Melbourne

  Janie

  Your story really interests me. My life as a teenager was sort of similar...and I feel for your daughter, and for you.

  You said that your husband is now making an effort to communicate with her. This is a good thing...as he is finally acting responsibly.

  Your daughter feels indifference towards him. Now this is where you need to step in and take charge, if you can. I agree that your husband was wrong to shun her, this deeply hurt her. However, she will encounter a lot of hurt in the years to come, that's just life, its not all plain sailing. She will have her ups and downs, and her thrills and spills. What you need to do, is teach her how to react to the the spills or the down times. How to cope with the negative feelings is most important, as this will help her grow into a mature adult who is ready and equipped to deal with these things as they arise. You CANNOT stop the negative things from happening, but you can minimise the negative reaction from your daughter, with the right training of course.

  Now that her father is trying to talk to her again, holding a grudge against won't help her develop healthy qualities. If she wants to hold a grudge to punish him, then she is developing manipulative tendancies. I believe, and I'm no expert, so please forgive him if you disagree, but I think she express to her father how much he hurt her, and how he let her down. Once it is said and done, and once he understands this, then it is time to move on...and time to heal.

  As for your husband, I applaud him for changing his strategy...there is hope for him yet. As for his teenage years, it is true that we sometimes make mistakes and it hurts us to see our own kids do the same thing. I'm not making excuses for his behaviour, but it seems to me that your hubby doesn't know how to handle what has happened....he's not equipped to deal with it, some people/parents just aren't able to deal with things of this nature.

  I have a daughter who turned 17 yesterday...she's old enough to be having sex and she has a boyfriend. Her father and I are not together, but just recently he told me that he can't deal with the thought that she has a boyfriend...he just wants to smack him in the chops. I thought this was a strange attitude...and of course he has told our daughter how disturbed he is about her having a boyfriend.

  Anyway, long story short, her father is now expressing how hurt he is that he has never been introduced to the boyfriend. Go figure!! What a turd....he gives off these negative vibes...and so his daughter refuses to introduce her boyfriend to him for fear her father will embarass her...and now her father is hurt and is sulking. MEN!!!

  Let us know how things go Janie...and sorry this was so long.

  Beck
• 

  DakotaRed

  Jan, as a survivor of abuse and having raised two daughters myself, I can sympathize with your husbands feelings. However, I feel it does not excuse his shunning her. If he is truly trying to reestablish a line of communication with her, first and foremost he should be begging her forgiveness. At times as this, his feelings should be secondary to the needs of your daughter.

  She made a mistake and regrets it. He consciously abandoned her during her time of need. When I found out my oldest daughter had already had sex, yes, I was disappointed. But she was still my daughter and my love for her never diminished. We had some long and frank talks about safety and birth control and responsibility. Today, she has been married to the boy (a man of 32 now) for almost 9 years and they have two wonderful sons.

  I sincerely hope it all works out for the best and that he comes to his senses and does what it needed to help your daughter. If not, then you can send him here and I'll kick him in the butt