The subject of dreams has been talked about frequently as part of the recovery process when something traumatic or life altering happens.
I just thought it might be of interest to share the path of my dreams over the last year, to those who may be going thru leaving the organization.
All my life I had the armeggedon dreams, but I was always safe. When I left the borg, I still had the armeggedon dreams but this time I didnt make it. And I was responsible for my family too. I would wake up in a cold sweat and crying. This lasted about 2 months.
Then the armeggedon dreams slowly, disappeared , to be replaced by the fear of being disfellowshipped or being rejected by my father, and by the Witnesses. This so far was the longest cycle of dreams with the same theme, rejection, fear of leaving , and sadness. This lasted a few months.
The dreams started to change to me forgetting that I did in fact D/A myself and wondered why the Witnesses wouldnt talk to me.
My last dream that was borg related was a few nights ago. I dreamed that my family decided to go back,,,,,,,,,, to make the bookstudy, but we didnt know what book they were studing. I was in a frenzy to find the book, I remember the old yellow thousand year book on a shelf. I couldnt find my oldest son, and my kids were not dressed right.
Then I stopped and looked at my husband and said, you know what, if they are just going to shun us , why go? I just don't feel like dealing with them anymore. So we didnt go back. A few minutes later in the dream , I was introducing myself to my neighbors and I was proudly telling them I used to be a JW, but choose to leave them and no longer believed what they taught. End of dream.
I havent had any armeggedon dreams in a long, long, time. And I don't dream of my father's rejection anymore.
I wonder if my dreams are my subconscious mind, accepting my disassociation and that I am now at peace with it.
When I first disassociated myself, the first weeks were hard, in a silent kind of way. The feelings were numb and empty. I felt shock. I truly think I overestimated the degree of loss I would feel when I made the choice to D/A. I do feel more at peace about my choice, and do not regret it, but I think when I first did it , I am not sure I gave it the proper thought as to the way I wanted it all to go down. When the elder called, and confronted us about smoking, we knew we would just d/a ourselves than to be disfellowshipped and there would be no judical meeting.
But what was sad was that the elder didnt ask us once to think about it, it was late at night , he didnt say, I will call you in the morning. Think about it tonight. In a matter of minutes it was over and that is the way they wanted it. This was the sad part of my d/a . and I think that my dreams are now helping me to see that I made the right choice and that I am at peace with it. In my last dream , it was I who was walking away, I was the one rejecting, I was rejecting being one of Jehovah's Witnesses.