by LyinEyes 20 Replies latest watchtower medical
Onacruse: I've been dreaming a lot lately, but not about the borg!
Damitt! Am I going to have to put down that plastic shower curtain over your sheets at night again?
Lying eyes,
I have been out for 6-7 years and still have dub dreams.
Does being shunned have an impact on your emotions?......not according to the dubbers. They do not screw people up emotionally......... we do, when we leave, ....our fault ......right?
In the last week I have had a recurrent theme ex dud dream. I dream that Wild , the kids and I are at a circuit assembly, with all the jwdubs I grew up with young to old. The speaker is saying something and it is derogatory about disfellowshipped ones. This old lady stands up in the middle of the talk, and says, "well , I might as well leave now, since this is a roll call for ones like me, I am not wanted here." She gathers her things and walks thru the quieten assembly. I look at Wild and kids, and say " I guess that means us too, we are the same as her." We all get start to stand up , gathering our things to leave. As I look around others stand up and protest they too are d/f , d/a or just not believing JW anymore. There are more and more standing up , as the faithful dubs gasp, in shock and disgust. As we are leaving, I see a brother , who I have known since childhood, his sons were my age, as I am leaving , I lean over to him and say, " I am leaving because I don't believe the organization anymore, I still love God, Jesus and all of you". He looks at me and just backs away.
I just keep walking on, and say to myself, well at least I tried to explain, but they are all brainwashed and I don't cry and I don't change my mind. I continue to leave out with the group that literally stood up and said they were not JW's anymore outloud.
It was a scarey but, very accepting dream. Don't ask me how Freddie Prinze, Jr, got in that dream, but he was leaving too.........LOL... must to have something to do with my kids going to see him in Scobby Doo that weekend. Go figure.
((((((((((Dede))))))))))
It sounds to me like your dreams may be the way your subconscious mind tries to work through some of the issues you are dealing with upon leaving the JW's. Things which you may understand more fully in the light of day and some you may simply not have the time, with your hectic schedule to actually focus on and work through at another time. Sounds like some guilt feelings coming through in there. It will take some time to work through that and this is way for your mind to do it's healing work. After awhile, as you feel better about all of this, I think the dreams will subside as well.
I'm sure it's scary and eerie for you and from this vantage point I do think i'ts a good thing overall because the stuff is reaching you- it's not so buried underneath there. And because it's reaching you, it can move OUT. All part of the healing maybe.
I admire the way you are dealing with all of this- THROUGH. Not over, under, around or stuffed inside- THROUGH. Keep writing and keep talking. You'll get there. You are doing GREAT!!!!!
Many hugs!!
XW
Xena, thanks for the support. You hit the nail on the head about my dreams. They are and always have been a way for me to examine my true feelings and see myself as I really am. Even when I think I am so strong and things don't get to me, I often dream of still being a child. I know there are many things to work thru in my memories, things I don't consciouly remember , but little things are coming out and only a bit at a time, because the inner me knows I can only handle bits and pieces at this time.
When I was a little girl, even all the way till last few years, I would dream dreams that were so realistic that I thought they happened when I woke up. Weird things is a few times in my life I actually dreamed of the future and it came true, within a week or so of the dream. When my mom was alive I told her about some of the things I dreamed and she asked me how I knew about this or that , she didnt tell me and I told her I didnt know. Many things I dreamed where about her, I guess I was her "watcher" and I looked close at her, to take care of her. She couldnt explain it, and we never spoke of it in front of dad, he would say demons were trying to get to me. Sometimes I believed that too, but other times the dreams left me with a sense of peace. I many times dreamed my mom died as a very young child, and I worried all the time it would really happen. But I think this was watching her on drugs, watching her at the hospital. It was horrible , she would cry my name out loud , screaming thru the halls, while her stomach was being pumped, andI couldnt help her. So you can imagine what that does to a little kid, feeling so helpless, putting yourself in an adult role and by my mom putting me there too. Looking back when these things happened , it began when she was still a teenager, I remember them too. SHe had me at 15 , then the worst was in her late 20's.
But you are right, there is still JW guilt in my dream, I still feel 9 , but I see myself doing the talking and myself making my own decisions about leaving, so I guess in my dreams it is MY choice.
I am a strong believer in the messages we have in our dreams, everyone of my dreams make sense. Some people tell me their dreams don't mean a thing, they cant make sense out of it, or even remember dreaming. I am thankful that I have such realistic vivid dreams.
What a good post. I had nightmares while I was a JW. I dreamt on several occassions about smoking (I was once mildly disiplined shortly after baptism because I smoked a cigarette.) In my dream I would think ,Oh crap, I have to go to the elders and tell them that I screwed up again and this time I'll get disfellowshipped. It was an awful feeling. I'd wake up and feel so relieved that I didn't really smoke, it was just a dream. I had dreams about armagedon as well, especially when I missed a few meetings in a row. I don't have nightmares anymore about the org. JURS
I dreamed all the time, i was smoking as a jw, but then I would in my dream wonder why i did it. It was like i picked up a cig and just started smoking. Then I would panic because it was not a conscious desision in the dream to smoke. I would wake up so glad it was just a dream.
The other night I dreamed I went to the kingdom hall, that I went to as a child and I was sitting there, as an adult. I was d/a and no one spoke to me. In my dream I understood this and figured that if I am patient in time I will be reinstated and they could talk to me again. Weird dream. I have no conscious desire to go back to meeting, or even talk to most of the JW's. But it was interesting that i found myself at my childhood kingdom hall, the first hall I remember attending age 5 to 9. I felt like I was being punished and I just took the punishment for what it was, they couldnt talk to me, but i wasnt mad. But the way I see it , when I was that age,, 5 to 9, I never talked back, always did what I was told, and took the punishment my father or any authority figure gave me, thinking as they said, it was for my own good. This was such a brief dream, and only remember feeling like I did as a child, but I was grown...........
I am no expert, but I think dreams are that one moment in the day when the conscience and subconscious speak to one another freely. Thus, we resolve issues clearer and say and think what we really want. I think in many cases, I have woken from dreams with a new slant on life and deeper understanding of issues.
My thought
Dragon
(((((((((((Dede)))))))))))
only remember feeling like I did as a child, but I was grown...........
You are free now. And all of this kind of stuff that you were never able to work through as a child will be surfacing, in your dreams and in your waking moments. It's great that you are able to remember what you are dreaming so you can think about it all and it's connection to all the rest of it. Are you journaling all of these dreams?
You were brought up with a conditioning and a belief system was built inside you that wasn't really your own. Now you are free to build your own belief system and you are taking the journey to purge some of the stuff that is in the way of YOU being who you are meant to be.
You have a belief system about acceptance that was built around conforming to the rules and ideas of others and if you had certain thoughts or ideas of your own it went against those rules and was unacceptable. That is where you had to stuff who you were to a large degree and be who "they" expected you to be. Now you are growing an understanding of who you really are and that you are accepted for just who you are and that who you are is OKAY. You are dumping the guilt, little by little and discovering alot about you.
But that old belief system is still there to a large degree, tugging at you. It IS being replaced though. And some of that work is being done in your dreams my friend.
Many hugs at ya lady!!!!!!!
XW
I agree Kenpo, I have done the same many times after a dream. Wake up understanding something I was unclear about, or feeling at peace with an issue. Also , I have been able to cry and be mad and show my ass , in my dreams, things I want to do in real life but don't...LOL. Very theraputic.
Thanks XW for what you said, I too can see the way my dreams are unfolding and how I too am unfolding so to speak. I am facing my deepest fears,,,,,,,,, especially the fear of being abandoned. You know my childhood problems and how they affected me, as a kid my mom was not there for me in an emotional way, even thou her body was there. I only had a portion of her , I felt she left me , in mind , emotionally for many years. Then my dad carried on the abandomment after she died. So you can see why I fear that so much.
I always had the "truth" , the one thing that would be there if I was a good girl. So anything I did wrong in the eyes of what the WT , was a death blow to me. I felt unworthy.
It is good to let go of the fear of being abandoned, alone, because I can face it now. It is not my choice for my parents to do this, I have totally let my mothers neglect go and I forgive her for it. I even understand it. My dad's choice is ok with me, I have my own family now. It hurts but it is ok. I will live with out him too. I am free from the JW and that is the best thing for me. I still have God out there ,, my faith is weak, but there is a flicker , so I will work on that. But if I someday , even if didnt believe in God, I am feeling stronger to know I will be ok.
And I swear it means the world to me to have friends in my corner. That is a great feeling to have others say,,,,,,,,,,, I am here for you no matter what. No strings attached, no perfection required, lol.
,,,,,,,,,,, I am here for you no matter what.
I am!!!! And many others are too. And this time there are no expectations (well, except that you keep a bottle of rum on hand for me )
Love ya hon!!!!
XW
