Tink I totally understand what you are saying and I agree. I have forgiven my father for many things ,in my heart. But he is not a good person and alot of his actions are not because of being a witness.
He has done some evil things to me and others , that I just cant say on the open board. One day I will tell you in person and you will understand how evil he really is.
If he was just a father that choose a religion over his daughter, I could say he was only doing what he thought was right, or he is brainwashed, or he really loves me. But in my dad's case it is not true.
I have been mourning him for 17 years, and will mourn from now on ,until I die, nothing has changed in the way he has treated me. I changed, I stopped begging for his attention, I gave up and moved on the best way I could.
When my mom died, I greived over her. I know she was in pain and didnt mean to hurt me. But she can't make it better, she can't come back .
My dad has willingly hurt me, knowing thru my words to him and many tearful talks, I needed him.
He choose to hurt me again and again, year after year. Now he will use the excuse that I am D/A to not have anything to do with me. Good for him, he has a way out now. He can make sure all the circuit knows of my rebellion and after all it was all my fault , our relationship. And they know the truth , they saw it and yet they will choose his side because he is still in.
Thanks Tink, for what you said and you are so right, and God I wish my dad was just being brainwashed and I could still have hope . But honestly I know what I am saying , I am not just now seeing my dad for what he is, or finally seeing that he is dead. I have been going thru this for years.
I think I may be going thru closure. And funny thing, is that I don't love him like I used to. This feeling is what surprises me the most, I never give up on anyone , but in his case I have.
I feel I don't know who he is. Maybe I never did.