Should I "ex JW" SHUN my JW family??

curiouschristy

I haven't posted in a while... been very busy lately. I am glad to be back though, I started reading the posts right away, and immediately felt comfort for how you guys are feeling, knowing I feel the same way. Not many of you know my story.... but for a quick run down... I'm a Disf'd jw, for about 11 yrs now, I'm 28, disf'd at the tender age of 17... My mother and sister are still in the ORG... they only talk to me when they want to, it doesn't have to be an important event, life or death or anything. My husband and I will associate w/her and her(my sis) husband and drink beer/liquor together.... get intoxicated... play pool, listen to music.. My mom has has us over a few times to eat, blah blah blah....

Well, the point or my question is ... after being on this site, I'm getting stronger to the fact that I want to take a stand against JW's... I'm glad I'm out of the org!!! but.... Should I continue to let my mother and sister see me when THEY want to, for no reason at all??? Because we all know that when you are disf'd, your family that's still in are not supposed to associate with you... not even really eat a meal w/you.... esp.when you don't live in the home w/them.... which I don't!!

I want to take a stand and not let my mother see my kids, I feel she don't deserve to see them, after all, she chose being a JW, and shunning me at 17, why should I let her see my kids grow up, when she didn't see me grow up??

What do you guys think??

CC

imanaliento

I don't think you should stoop to their level. Plant a few seeds now and then, ask questions and make them turn their thinking gears.

Valis

curiouschristy...you are taking a stand by associating with them. You see the best witness against JWs is to prove them wrong about needing JWland to be happy and fruitful in life. iman makes a good point about planting seeds and by associating with them, when they shouldn't be associating with you, says a lot about their whole outlook on shunning. If your mother starts in w/the religious bullshit, i.e. trying to indoctrinate you kids, then is the time to separate your family from her/their lives. I had to do the same thing andfinally my parents gave in and don't even try that crap w/my little chickens. It also doesn'thurt to remind them every once in a while that you hang out w/really great XJWs and speak to a large number of them on a regular basis...This always causes my mother and father to cringe a little and a bit of brow furrowing...eheheh You should also consider yourself a bit lucky in comparison to other here who don't have even the smallest bit of contact w/their parents/hardline asshole JWs....BTW, welcome to the board and nice to meet you.

Sincerely,

District Overbeer

scootergirl

Here is my two cents worth........

Do what is BEST for you.

For me, my mother has blown into my life here and there over the past 16 years. Seeing me when she wanted, laying whatever guilt trip she could on me only to tell me "You know we can't talk to you until you return. Remember Mannassah." I would get my hopes up only to have them shattered. For me I got to a point where I took control of the situation. I no longer beg her to talk to me. I made my ammends for my responsibility for our estrangment and am at peace w/the consequences that followed my decisions to leave. Personally, having my mother in my life isn't healthy for me. I don't like the kind of person she is, I don't respect her as a parent and hence I don't need her in my life. Sound cruel? Maybe to some. But IMHO, she has made that decision. I do what is best for me. My personal wellbeing is very important and I will not allow her to jepordize it.

I have three children. I have offered her the chance to get to know her grandchildren. She has a hard time accepting my decision not to be a dub anymore and that feeling spills over to how she treats my children. Being their mother, my responsibility is to make their lives as safe as I can. I don't feel it is safe for them to be around her silly mind games-so I have decided that a relationship between grandchild/grandmother isn't going to happen as I wished. It is very unfortunate but that is reality. My children will never know their grandmother as long as she continues to be the irrational, controlling manipulative person that she is.

Tinkerbell4125

Curiouschristy, I've struggled with the same issues. Weather to go out of my way to see them or not. I have found that if I stay completely away from them, I'm better off. I just feel that it's important to surround myself around people and respect and love me and I get that in return. It's just not healthy to be in a one sided relationship, regardless of religion.. We teach people how to treat us. If we expect less than what we deserve, then that is what we'll get. I'm learning that life is so much better when you stay away from toxic people of any kind! Years ago I would put myself right in the middle of family situations. Only to leave me drained and fustrated. I've learned to accept things for the way they are, but I have a good life and I'm gonna live it! I feel very fortunate to be out and know the difference. Enjoy your life! You know weather or not if your relationships with your j.w. family is healthy or not. I have faith that you will work through this and move forward.

curiouschristy

Thanks for the comments!!

Thanks so much, YES, I already knew what actions I need to take, just wanted to see what others thought!

Valis, you are so right.... yes I do consider myself lucky, for I still get to see my "blood family"

I will always keep that in mind!

Scootergirl, sorry for your loss w/your mom, but I know you are happier now! I feel the same way really w/my mom, because she tries to make me feel guilty and every now and then she will throw scriptures at me about my kids and such... but I'm better off w/out her around me and like you said, our kids are what's important now!!

You guys are great!!

Brummie

Hello CC

This is only my opinion and since the subject is complex you will have a variety of better opinions in due time.

I certainly would NOT shun my JW family (but my situation is different as I have never had to because they have comfortably shunned me since the day I left) even if they decided to come along now I would still embrace them since they are following the WTowers conditions on family visits and not their own, this does not free them of any responsibilty for shunning you at such a young age but I am sure your family visit you because it is painful for them to totally cut you off.

If they really want to see you then YOU lay down the grounds of compliance, I.e that they NEVER try to influence your children etc. That you can visit them as and when you please just as they visit you. I have heard so many exJWs who once shunned their daughters say that they were so thankful for the grandkids because it allowed them a loophole to visit their own kids who were d'fd.

In a different thread HC made this point which I thought may be appropriate for this situation:

you see JW's are underneath it all are just people! Heavily conditioned beyond natural inclinations, bent out of shape by a practiced and ritualized arrogance, but people just the same.

Any parent who can shun one of their children are heavily conditioned beyond natural inclinations, its not natural to shun a loved one so another power is at play in your mother and sisters minds.

Whatever you decide to do you will be the right thing for you, but all our decisions have consequences, would you be happy with the long term consequences of shunning your family now? You may never see them again. Then again your shunning them would be a consequence to their actions towards you at such an early age, so dont feel guilty if you decide to shun them.

Sorry that you are in this predicament because of the destructive WT!

Thinkin of ya

Brummie

RunningMan

Personally, I would live as if the JW religion and shunning simply didn't exist. Treat them as you would if they were any other religion.

Shunning is a childish game. The only way it will go away is if enough people refuse to play.

willy_think

Hi,

I guess I would have to say it should have more to do with the nature of your relationship with your family. What effect does being with your mother have on your children, is it healthy? how do you feal when you are together and after, is it a drain on you?
We all need to keep supportive loving people in our lives and cut out any one who cause us harm. The only questions to me would be: how is this effecting my children's development as healthy loving people? am I exposing my self to any form of abuse?

Will

curiouschristy

THis is funny.... my kids really don't like her, she has only spent time with them when they were babies.... and my son is almost 9... he doesn't have a relationship w/her.. and my 1st daughter is 3.. she does NOT like my mom, and my last daughter is 1yr.. and my mom hardly ever sees her, so I suppose she will soon not like her.... HOw do U get children to like the grandparents.... u associate with them,, spend time... she really doesn't try to make anything work, because she doesn't see me enough,,,,, and yes, I do feel drained when my mom leaves my house after she visits!! She doesn't feel like my mom anymore... it's too fake, the only emotion I feel when I'm around her is sadness, I feel like I just want her to leave the whole time she's here... like I'm going to say the wrong thing around her...... things like that. I love my mother deeply, but she's not the same mother she used to be.. I really hate it too.. I used to be a MOMA'S GIRL~~

CC

Should I "ex JW" SHUN my JW family??

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