I had literally "had it" with my parents by the time I was in 4th grade. I have a natural talent for sports had a deep desire to participate in sports at a very early age. They forbid me to pursue my talent and poo pooed my passion with little thought. On top of that, they displayed a lot of sociopathic behavior and as the oldest child I got treated to the very worst of it. I put up the "good son" front with them for years and maintained a shallow relationship, based mainly on obligatory interaction and small talk. This continued until after I moved out on my own at age 18. Then a couple years after I was out, my younger brother (who is extremely bright) got into some trouble in the congregation (messed around with a girl) and was df'd. I reluctantly shunned him in the regular JW manner (I was still an active dub) as did my parents. Even though he lived with them, they treated him as if they were doing him a huge favor and treated him like a 2nd class citizen (basically just making his life a living hell). For example if Jdubs came over he would have to leave the room and when JW family and friends visited from out of town, he wasnt invited out to dinner. It was at this point, witnessing this stuff, that I realized my parents are some sick bastards and that in my gut, I knew this whole situation was wrong. It was at this point that I really started examining the beliefs of the Jw's and easily and quickly figured out they were merely a business/cult and my parents sold me and my passion out for this shit. I felt as if I was robbed of the only thing I ever really wanted (to pusrsue my talent and passion). And after all they took from me, and subjected my brother too, they still thought we could play "normal". For me, this just didnt make any sense and I didnt like the idea of them around my own son (since I never enjoyed their bullshit, why should I allow it around my kid). I have forgiven and forgotten them and am better off without any interaction. My own son is very bright and well adjusted and is active in all sorts of "extra curricular" activities (i.e. soccer, tee ball, basketball). They have no part in any his accomplishments or the accomplishments that I am really proud of (i.e. a college degree, a happy and well provided for family). I am self made. They were an obstacle that I was able to seperate from and overcome. I understand that since becoming empty nesters, they have basically turned on each other and all the toxic JW propoganda and mentality they so dearly adore has been turned toward each other and every day is a psycho-drama that even Peyton's Place couldnt match. They can have it - just stay away from me. om
Should I "ex JW" SHUN my JW family??
by curiouschristy 22 Replies latest jw friends
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William Penwell
Empower yourself and don't allow them to control you. I would not stoop to their level because you are saying that you recognize the WT as an authority. I don't recognize the WT as an authority, so I don't let them control me.
Will
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SpannerintheWorks
Hi, CC!
after being on this site, I'm getting stronger to the fact that I want to take a stand against JW's
Well, I don't think you are going to take a stand against JW's by shunning your family. They will probably only feel hurt, in the same way that you would feel hurt if they were to shun you. Anyway all this " shunning " lingo is only a direct result of WT influence. If I were you, ( which I'm not ), I would do exactly the opposite to what the WT directs JW's to do, and what your family may not be expecting! You know - " hi, mom, I just want to tell you how much I love you and appreciate all you have done for me over the years! " sort of thing. I don't know, but anything to let them know that you don't need the WT to be happy and that at least some people who are no longer in the Org don't behave in the same unchristian manner that they do towards people who choose to leave it.
Spanner
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willy_think
hi curiouschristy,
when she is with you, you want her gone. there it is in a nut shell. you are an adult, your mothers equal, why except her control over your thoughts and opinions. if she doesn't like who you are that is her problem not yours. what i mean to say is make your life what you need it to be. if you can do that with her in it good, if not so be it.
To go tit for tat with the shunning is not very healthy but if you cut her out of your life to free your self from the last vestige of cult control, then it would be a positive experience only you can know what is best and that is just what we should always do, what is best for us and ours.You have the only power in your life.
Will
PS
when I read it, it seemed preachy to me, I didn't mean to. it's only my opinion, Sorry.Edited by - willy_think on 8 October 2002 13:51:4
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jgnat
Great post, Curious Christy, and something that does need to be talked about. Thoughtful answers. I like them all. I limit my time with unpleasant people, relative or no.
One comment suggested to me that you may want to do a little bit of self-examination Christy,
How do U get children to like the grandparents
I would never try and force a kid to like an adult I have trouble with myself. Kids are pretty smart at figuring out what side of their bread is buttered. If your mother makes no effort to have a relationship with them, they will feel no obligation to force one from their end. My mother-in-law tried that on me. She wanted my daughter to meet her father (whom she had not seen since infancy) because it would be "good for her". I firmly told her it was my daughter's choice. Period. My mother-in-law was furious. Too bad. I have no obligation to satisfy my MIL's fantasies of family reunion. My ex-husband is an abusive jerk. No amount of candy coating can change that.
On the other hand, when my adult son decided to pursue a relationship with his dad, I did not stop him. My boy needed make a connection, and he deserved the chance to make that happen.
Christy, it might help you if you clarify in your own mind why you want to meet with your mother. What is it you hope to get out of it? Is it to maintain some sort of contact, as strained as it is? Is it in the hope that your relationship will be restored to what it was before the JW influence? Having realistic expectations before you meet might help. I think mutual shunning to make a statement against the Watchtower Society just adds to the dysfunction. Meet with your mom because you want to.
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JWinSF
Hi,
I DAd in March 1994. My uncle and aunt, both EXREMELY strong in "The Truth" at first kept limited contact with me [they were in Michigan, I'd moved to California with my JW mother, sister, and niece]. At the time my job had me traveling a lot and on cross-country trips I'd stop by their place, they'd put me up, and talk as if nothing had happened. They only wouldn't talk about "spritual" matters, which was fine by me as I'd had a "belly full".
Then, in May 1995 this abruptly changed after I told them of a new address and that I'd moved in with another man. That was too much for them and they cut off all communication other than an obligatory "thank-you" for gifts that I'd send them periodically. They'd never respond to my letters. So, I thought that I'd continue to be the "better person" and keep up any limited contact that I could do in the form of occasional gifts with accompanying cards or an occasional letter regarding my sister's condition.
Now, to put some perspective on what is going to follow. My uncle eventually became closer to me than my father. They'd both been friends in their 20s, my uncle was in "The Truth", my father was not --- if anything my father was an atheist. My uncle introduced my father to my mother and they got married. She also was a baptized JW at the time. YES, the JWs DID encourage members to marry "outside of the truth". When it became obvious to the JWs that, instead of bringing in a new outside member, the JW would often wind up leaving, they had "new light" and said only to marry in "The Truth". My parents divorced when I was 16. When I was 18 my mother had a stroke, my uncle stepped in, started studying with me, and I got taken in "hook, line, and sinker". He replaced my real father in my life [who was now very distant, he wasn't when he was at home].
Now, to the recent past. Around November 2000 I was surfing the 'net and came across a geneology site. I started plugging in various family names. When I got to my uncle's, I found out that he'd died on May 10, 2000 [May 10th was sensitive to me as it was also my now deceased mother's birthday]. I at first didn't believe it, but through cross referencing other sources finally accepted it as true. I became very angry. I'd sent a present to him and to her in October 2000 which she'd signed for. I didn't get a thank you for this last one. She obviously new that I was unaware of his death, otherwise I wouldn't have sent the gifts to her and him. Yet, she didn't even have the common human decency to AT LEAST let me know that he'd died.
After a few weeks of thinking about it, I wrote a letter to her. The intitial versions were quite scathing. The final version was just statements of fact: [1] I expressed sorrow about his death, [2] reminded her that I'd always kept her up to date on my disabled JW sister's condition, [3] that I'd found out from 3rd party sources about his death, [4] that as she didn't see fit to let me know about his condition anymore that I no longer felt comfortable keeping her up to date. From that moment on I ceased any gift-giving or occasional leters regarding my sister's condition.
I haven't regretted "closing the door behind me". In my opinion, being human to JW family members while being treated like dirt by them is too close to the JW theology of a wife subjecting herself to beatings by her husband on the hopes that maybe one day she will win over her husband. I'm not a doormat and won't put up with that twisted reasoning anymore.
This may sound cold. Anyone who knows me personally can vouch to my sensitive nature, in fact, often times too sensitive. But, as far as the JWs go, for this guy, I have no regrets in DFing from my life this JW family relation who ignored me [my sister, still officially a JW, I continue to support --- she's never done anything to warrant my cutting her off].
John W Wirtanen
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ThiChi
Why be like them? Do the right thing and just be yourself. Show them love!
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Double Edge
My 2 cents... Out 'Christian' the 'christians' .... take the high road...you'll never regret it.
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barry
The Jehovahs Witness religion doesnt shun former members, point that out to youre parents and add that if they also use double talk for another point of view thats the religions fault Barry
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scumrat
I haven't regretted "closing the door behind me". In my opinion, being human to JW family members while being treated like dirt by them is too close to the JW theology of a wife subjecting herself to beatings by her husband on the hopes that maybe one day she will win over her husband. I'm not a doormat and won't put up with that twisted reasoning anymore
I must agree, It's a matter of self-respect. Being around the JW thinking just messes with your head.
Scumrat