A Healthy Grief Versus Unnatural Rejection

by Englishman 14 Replies latest jw friends

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  Englishman

  Her Ladyship and I have been "just a couple" now for 4 weeks. Simon's in Australia, James is in a flat nearby, and Ben is at Cardiff University. And we miss 'em!

  We're having fun together, the larder stays full and the house stays tidy. But, it has left a hole in both of our lives, and I'm aware of the odd pang because of their absence. Of course we know that it is up to us to accept their departure, that the boys need to move on, and that we need to go through some sort of process of acceptance ourselves too. It's not easy, but we will soon start to enjoy the fact that they have found their own way through life, so we will, I'm sure, come through this knowing that it is all for the ultimate good.

  So, I was just thinking, how is it possible for witness parents to be able to disown their own children through choice? How is it possible for any caring person to disfellowship their own child? The grieving process that HL and I are going through is painful, yes, but we know that it is all for the boys benefit, and that they are happy already with their new lives. Someone tell me how it is possible for a normal parent to shun their own child through choice, how can either parent or child grow after such a horrific experience as being cast out by one's natural parents?

  Is this one of the reasons that JW's suffer such mental illness? After all, rejection of one's own flesh and blood must leave horrendous mental scars, both to the rejector and the rejected one. Certainly there is no long term benefit such as HL and I will see!

  Englishman.

  Edited by - Englishman on 15 October 2002 15:42:51
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  HappyHeathen

  Englishman,

  I have had the very same questions myself and am equally puzzled. For one thing, most parents would agree that they would put their children ahead of themselves in all ways and would even lay down their lives for them -- am I right? Then you look at the situation with J.W's., and it seems to fly in the face of natural law. Here are people who put their own salvation ahead of their relationship with their children -- their own flesh and blood. And after ejecting them from their lives, how do they even go on day after day, much less be happy? I don't get it at all.

  Even as a dub, I could not shun members of my family. When my mom was df'd for several years, I continued to secretly see her. Though I couldn't explain it at the time, I felt I was answering to a "higher" law than anything the WT could teach me -- it had something to do with being in touch with my own humanity.

  Faith
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  scootergirl

  That is a something that I have wondered many many times but absolutely can not understand. I have three small children at home......they are my life. I am very fortunate to be a full time stay at home mother and know that the day will come when they will all move away and begin their own lives. Will I be sad, yes, but I will be so happy to be able to watch them, to enjoy their lives with them. I can not even imagine raising a child only to turn my back on them. Shut the door and throw away the key.

  My parents missed out on my wedding. My dad missed out on walking me down the aisle. Both missed out on all three of their grandbabies births. Missed out on rocking them to sleep or singing them lullabyes. Most of all they missed out of knowing the person that I became as an adult.

  I have mentioned this before.......I wonder what goes thru the "shunners" mind.........are we "dead" in their eyes? Do they think of us? Do they regret their decision?

  All I know is that there is absolutely nothing in this world that would make me walk away from my children. Nothing.
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  Gopher

  E-man,

  All I can say is congratulations on raising and loving your children so!!! Yes the "nest" is empty for the first time in decades, and it feels empty at first. But of course this is how it is meant to be. Your 3 children will be grateful for the good start in life you gave them.

  I am shunned by my own parents. Apparently they torture themselves over their failure to raise either me or my sister to be an adult JW, and they also demonize us at the same time by their strict adherence to mother Brooklyn's marching orders regarding shunning. This situation among my family is not emotionally or mentally healthy.

  Shame on the JW's for imposing such unchristian standards and breaking up families so that they can keep control over their fiefdom!!
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  jst2laws

  Hello Eman,

  I suspect that they grieve like a normal person but that grief is somewhat abated with the misplaced sense of righteouness they get from thinking they are showing their loyalty to Jehovah. It appears that some of these parents even hate their children for their 'sins' rather than hate their so called 'sin'. You love your children and dreadfully miss them, whereas these people love their concept more than natural family ties. Reminds me of the scripture "having no natural affection". This is difinitely not natural.

  I don't know if this kind of twisted thinking causes mental illness or is the result of mental illness.

  You have my sympathy, my friend, for the adjustment you and Christina are going through.

  Jst2laws
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  MegaDude

  English Dude asked:

  "How is it possible for any caring person to disfellowship their own child? "

  Well, I'll tell you.

  My mother is a fanatical JW who was abused and emotionally rejected by her equally fanatical religious grandmother who raised her. Believe me, she had a great teacher. She shuns five of her six children. The one she does not shun is still a JW. It's a learned behavior in many instances, I would imagine. I learned it from my mother and I, in turn, shunned a few friends that were DF'd or who drifted away. I also shunned my sister for years.

  There were three main things that propelled me to do this. The first thing was pride in my JW status. I had to keep the illusion going that I was in the elite one true religion. I liked it. I wanted to be in God's only church. I wanted to believe I was one of his elite servants, and I believed it was the truth.

  The second motivator to shun was anger at the disfellowshipped. I was angry at close ones who made MY life more difficult because they chose to not submit to the Watchtower Society. I took it personally when close ones turned against the JWs.

  The third motivator to shun was fear. If I had questioned what I was doing, what I believed, my life was going to be turned upside down in every way: emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, physically. I was married to a hardcore JW at the time, I had lots of JW friends, I had a belief system that I felt secure in. My life was "good" inside the Borganization, I thought. The idea of going outside of that intricate construct was terrifying.

  So you see, with all that motivation, it's not that hard after all in a cult mindset. But you can see since it takes a strong foundation of pride, anger and fear, it definitely is a road to mental illness and misery.
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  DJ

  Hi Eman,

  Well, there are enough of us........orphaned through the WT.......so you have plenty of cyber-kiddies!
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  Beck_Melbourne

  As a parent myself, I have thought about this a lot and I came to the conclusion that I cannot relate, in any way whatsoever, to the JW parents who choose to shun their kids.

  I also think that the JW parents who do this are completely self absorbed in the JW lifestyle to a sickening degree. They are usually notorious for being the most judgemental characters in the congregation and would regard themselves as 'spiritual' in their own eyes, and would harshly judge others for lesser sacrifices then their own.

  In my minds eye I can picture them quite clearly....he wears a pooh brown suit with slicked back hair, wears glasses and has no sense of humour, and she is plumpish with homely features and she sets her hair in curlers every Saturday night for the Sunday meeting. Whatever they look like, they are ugly at heart in my opinion.

  ~Beck~

  ps...cheer up Eman, get out your knitting and start making baby booties
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  Sabine

  I don't know why, but this thread reminded me of the response I got from the congregation when my "worldly" brother died of AIDS in 1995. They say "oh good, now he has a chance for a resurrection".

  Their warped view of God and his purposes really devalues human life. We are not really even ecouraged to live for ourselves or get too attached to family, viewing this life as a temporary thing, with the only goal of pleasing God. If family gets in the way, cut it off like a hand or an eye....
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  Prisca

  Eman,

  I just want to thank you for your sensitivity in regards to this subject. I was rejected by my father when I was 18; he has cut my sister out of his life too (even though she is a JW, as he is).

  I cannot imagine the mindset of a parent who rejects their own flesh and blood, for JW reasons or not.