Please help me understand why....................

by Jesika 22 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Jesika

  Before I pose the ? I want to give some history of the situation.

  Last yr....................

  I was engaged to a guy and he went back to doing speed and stealing from me and my son. He abandoned us in the townhome cause of people who had set up camp in the house waiting for his return ( he owed them $). I had returned to stripping and was also bartending to try and keep my head above water. During this time I met Alex (my bf now for about a yr). He was a customer of mine and I ended up liking him alot. He would come an see me while I was bartending and always tipped me well. We were exact opposites, I was the crazy dominatrix stripper, and bartender--him the computer job, quiet guy, no kids, never married. He was always there for me when I needed to talk, even when it was about my loser fiance. Anyways, well, while my fiance had abandoned us, my son was with his dad that weekend. I ended up sleeping with one of the ones there who seemed to help me escape. Eventually he hit me months later, and my friendship with Alex was denied. I threw his #'s away for fear this other guy would hurt him. I finallly left 3 months later, with no contact with Alex. He didn't know why we stopped talking and tried contacting me several times, which were kept from me.\

  After leaving, my best friend Billy and I went to the same strip club Alex and I met at (his roommate was the bartender and was the main reason for him(Alex) going there). After I had a few (I was hiding from her the whole time we were there), I walked up to her crying and saying I was sorry and to tell Alex for me. She told me he would LOVE to hear from me, and gave me his cell # and some money to call him, I went to the ladies room and did so. I was expecting him to hang up on me or cuss me out, he didn't and we met up that night and he was SO glad to see me again. His roommate became a good friend of mine and she told me Alex hadn't gone out with anyone while I was gone. He only wanted me. This proved to be true by more than one person, of which don't know each other.

  Being that I was a stripper, and that this was the place we met, I have been very passive when he is approached by another woman. I have witnessed him pointing me out from across the room when a woman has come up to talk to him, and this was before and after I was living with him. (This happening outside of the topless clubs)

  OK MY ?----------------- I have noticed lately I am becoming extremely jealous of ANY women that gets close (family excluded). My blood pressure rises and I literally break a sweat at times. WHY NOW am I getting this way????????????????????? I haven't done anything stupid, but would like any imput as to why this is happening, he isn't this way and never has been. He has been supportive, understanding, and the best thing to happen to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He got me off drugs, and out of stripping. Why am I feeling like this?????????????????????? If I can pin point the problem I can fix it or control it, but I don't honestly know why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  WHY am I feeling this way??????????????????????????????????

  Any thoughts are welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Jesika
• 

  gypsywildone

  Jess,
  It might do you some god to go to the library and get some self help books on co-dependency, or get them off Amazon.com. Books such as Women Who Love Too Much, or Codependent No More. You have already had way more than your share of unhppiness, you deserve a great life!
• 

  Granny Linda

  Hi, Jess- I know you'll get lots of replies from those that love you...as we learn with time how to love ourselves. I'm certainly not qualified from a professional standpoint, but speaking from experience it could be that you are just not secure with yourself, thus that dreaded sense of not trusting someone else. Somehow I do believe that when we are secure about who we are, despite our past experiences, we are more prone for trusting others. Although there are of course circumstances where people have already shown themselves unworthy of our trust...which from what you shared doesn't seem the case.

  Too, we aren't no dummy when it comes to how woman work...get my drift. Some people are just plain mean spirited and jealous of someone else finding a kind, loving, and supportive companion and go out of their way to help create an atmosphere of dishonesty. But even at that, we have to focus on our own healing with full knowledge that the other does care about our welfare and would not damage the relationship they have choicen.

  Don't know there is any pat answer...different emotions come into play. And there are simply no guarantees in life either way. Take each step as it comes, sorta like that old addage of "one day at a time" and be gentle and forgiving on yourself for feeling what you're feeling. Maybe it's all a part of the maturing process.

  Jess - for me I was always the outcast...developed for my tender naive age, and not pretty. Or so it was back then. Now that I'm 51 years of age and overweight when those "jealous" times want to rear it's ugly head, I know I'm dealing with the old sickness of lacking real self esteeem. It's sometimes a fleeting moment that if I allowed myself to dwell there would create an even bigger monster. And I'm just not willing to do that to myself or my husband today.

  One thing that I found amazing during my really active years in a recovery program was listening to some of the most gorgeous woman tell how they had complete loathing for themselves. Our real security comes from within...something you are already aware. It's a wonderful thing how you reach out to your friends for support and suggestions.

  Love,

  granny
• 

  Francois

  This guy helped you regain your self-respect and helped you to stand on your own two feet and stop being abused by everyone who came along (as you responded to your JW training). You may feel that he is "propping you up" when in fact, he stopped holding you upright a long time ago. Not realizing this, you may be reacting this way because you fear your prop is going to be jerked away. Don't worry about it. He's not propping you up any more. Remember, he got you on your feet again, and he sounds smart enough to know you can stand without him. IMHO, I think you'd be doing yourself a favor if you realized that too. Otherwise you could become grasping and suffocating and run him off. You can only hold him as tightly as you can in your open palm. Any tighter and he will struggle to be free, and one day will be gone for good. Don't let him know you're feeling this way. It will be a red danger sign to him.

  IMO

  francois
• 

  Jesika

  gypsy--------thank you for your suggestion, but I have been on my own since I was 15. I have not NEEDED a man, just would like to have one, and have spent alot of time on my own.

  Granny, Thank you and I understand what you are saying. I guess I am just afraid of losing him, I have loved before and it has ended up hurting me.

  Francois-------I have not told him how I feel for the very reason you stated. I would be VERY hurt if this didn't work out--especially if it was my fault (suffocating him). This is why I am asking for some input to make sure it is just me being over sensitive to my fear of losing him. He has been there for me in times I wasn't there for ME. Thank you for your input.

  Jes
• 

  Big Tex

  Jes

  Perhaps you're afraid of being abandoned or rejected again. That's kind of what happened with your dad, and it's absolutely what happened to you with the Witnesses. How you were treated by those hypocritical ass-holes was hideous and that type of experience can affect self-esteem, confidence and how secure you feel in relationships. Are you worried that Alex will leave you for someone else?

  It's also possible that you're feeling a little insecure since your life is going so well right now. You know, kind of in a superstitious sort of way, being nervous that something bad will happen to ruin a good thing. If that makes any sense.

  I know you well enough to say that you've got a lot to offer. You're intelligent, attractive, a good mother but most of all you care. You care about your son, you care about Alex and you want to make a difference with your life. I know he's helped you, but I'll bet you've also done a lot for him as well. Sometimes you just have to let you and trust the other person. Easier said than done though.
• 

  Jesika

  TX--------- You and Nina have known me since I was 4. I am only saying this for others to know.

  I thank you for your comments, I guess I am a little afraid since things are going SOOOOOOOOOOO well with us. Alex doesn't want children (fine with me I don't want anymore), but he loves my son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! His TWIN sister told me I am the FIRST woman he has dated(much less been serious with)-that has a child. You are right!!!!!!!!!!! I am not used to things being good, especially for as long as they have been. For a yr to pass and no drama????????? Never thought it would happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  I guess you nailed it to the wall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  I think I now know what my prob is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!

  Once again, you have helped me see things from outside "the box"!!!!!!!!!!!

  I would still love for others to put their opinions here in case I may have missed a possibility.

  Love,

  Jes
• 

  Stephanus

  You're just smart enough to not want to let the good one get away, is all, Jesika. My wife is the same - insanely jealous of other women (under certain circumstances), but in a way it is a comforting thing to know that she cares. It's also helped me work out what is appropriate and inappropriate attention to other women in social settings (I always have trouble with that sort of thing - I'm one of life's innocents, in a lot of ways). In the same way you feel Alex has helped and protected you, you're simply returning the favour. Just don't let the jealous feelings ruin the relationship or your feelings towards Alex. As you've said, he isn't up to anything when you get the feelings, so just find a way of telling yourself that everything's okay so you can calm down.
• 

  Jesika

  Steph----------Thank you for replying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And thank you for the advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  I just got off the phone with TX and I am ok now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU TX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  JES
• 

  William Penwell

  By learning to love yourself and respect yourself is the first step. Also know that you are whole and complete in yourself and no one or nothing in this world will make you any more complete than you all ready are. If you hang on to tightly to someone and don't allow them to breath, you will suffocate them and the natural thing for that person to do is to push away from you. Sounds like there is still issues in your life that you must deal with. Maybe self help groups or books can be of help to you.

  Your Freind Always,

  Will