Just when you think your mind is fixed

kenpodragon

The other day I was doing some shopping at the local mall with my wife, and she wanted me to go next door to this book store and pick up this book for her. I went in and picked up the book, and went to the counter to pay for it. The man looked at the book and it was a title that was not exactly something most men buy. He said something like, "So you are buying the such-in-such title?" I don't know why, but instead of just simply saying "It's for my wife" and not taking it any further. I went into the "Oh god he thinks I am gay" response and tried to over explain the moment. Why do we do this? Well for me, being raised a Witness, I was taught that certain things were wrong. Homosexuality was evil, and people who slept with people out of wedlock were just plain sinning. These thoughts were reminded to me so much as I grew up from the Kingdom Hall to the Watchtower, that they were stuck in my thoughts. I remember being in High School and seeing this one gay student and thinking that he was evil. I even remember going out in field service and going to the door of a unmarried couple, and thinking they had no chance before God. All of these were the product of the environment I was raised in. So why do these surface today at times, when I no longer feel that way? When my wife and I left the religion and started learning that there were so many different types of people. With their own set of likes and dislikes, with morals that fit them. We learned that despite all of their actions, they were good people. I never thought their would be a time in my life, where I would have gay friends and friends that live together without a marriage license. Even more so, I never thought I would be friends with these humans without even giving their life a second thought or judging them in any way. Yet in all of these things, I sometimes think I have it all settled and yet some times you have actions like what happened to me in the mall at that book store. I know that in life there is not always time to plan how we will react to each thing that will come upon us, and sometimes our unconscious self can be a little bit of the person we left behind. That person always ready to spring to the front to make a fool of us. Yet in the same thought it shows us some of the things we left behind, that time forgot. It tells us that the project that is our life, is never complete and is always in need of a repair from time to time. I use the examples of things above, but there are so many more that I could list. They all represent something's that we sometimes think we have settled and then "wham" they come back to remind us we still have a little bit of the old me in ourselves. So as I did the foolish dance of trying to explain that I was not gay, to this book store attendant who did not care either way. I learned a lesson that day, that sometimes we are less perfect than we even thought we were before we woke up that day. We are never going to be able to fix all that the Witness life did to our conscience, some will make sense and others will seem to come from way out in left field. Some will be that clog of hateful dirt that is jamming the mental pipes. Yet if we can do one simple thing, we can keep those thoughts where they belong. That is that we notice them for what they are, and let our minds realize we may have gone far ... "but we have a long way to go, and many more lessons are over the horizon" Anyone else get these mental thoughts that surprise us from time to time? Things we thought were settled and yet they come up as a little surprise. My thought Dragon

Xander

Dunno - I think I've shed my JWisms nicely. All the baggage that went with them? Not so far.

I completely know where you are coming from RE: the judging of others. I remember the thinking the exact same thought. When a friend told me he was moving in with a chick, I so desperately pleaded with him not to, or to at least get married first, because I just KNEW god would hate him for it.

Ditto with homosexuality, rap music, holidays, etc. People who did such things had SATAN in them - disgusting and vile.

Now?

Well, I'm over that...I'm okay with people's lifestyle choices. Hang around with gay people all the time (something I'm glad I didn't get to miss - at least of those I know, they've proven to be a lot friendlier and kinder than your typical college age kid). If a family member needed blood, I'd be happy to support them - even donating if it would help.

But what of the 'baggage'? It seems I have a hard time letting go of things for *myself*. I mentally have no issues with getting a blood transfusion...but really...I'd feel awkward about it still. Using expletives or 'vulgar language' (even sexual talk between husband and wife) still feels 'wrong'. Watching R-rated movies is still very difficult - almost uncomfortable seeing someone swear or get shot at or get naked.

*That's* what I have a hard time with. I know, logically, it's silly to feel that. I have no rational objections, but still....all those years of 'this is right' and 'this is wrong' and, specifically - NO TOLERANCE FOR PERSONAL JUDGEMENT - makes it hard when suddenly you HAVE to be the one judging everything for yourself.

MegaDude

Good post.

You had a JW moment there.

It just shows thousands of hours of programming by the WT doesn't go away easily.

terabletera

heeheehee! You made me laugh Dragon.

See....my husband was raised catholic. Had a gay uncle that he adored too. YET! he is too funny sometimes. Gay stuff...well, it disturbs him. Everytime we get in to a gay discussion, me thinking it is totally cool and he well, NOT. I bring up his much loved uncle who he misses greatly.

Yesterday we were looking at calendars, you know those stands where they sell any calendar you want. He said for me NOT to pick out a cat one for a fifth year in a row so I started looking at horses. He picked up "Construction site girls" (I don't have to tell you that these girls don't really look all that dressed for the part) So to tease him back, I picked up Chip and Dale dancers. He said all loudly, "Oh come on, you know any guy that fusses over how he looks to that extreme is Gay!" Funny thing, I think the two guys looking there at the calendars with us were gay as well. So I added the seinfeld "..not that there's anything WRONG with that right?"

lol

Gopher

I remember seeing a store change names and not replace the wood name sign out front.

They merely painted over the old name with a coat of white paint, and then painted the new name over that white coat.

Well after a while the old name was visible again, if you looked at it "just right".

So too under certain pressures, traces of our old personality bleed through. It's not what we want. But as long as we recognize it and deal with it, we'll do okay.

Yes (like Megadude says) we have our JW moments. Groan.

LyinEyes

Megadude summed it up pretty well, a JW moment due to years of mind control.

I do this kind of thing alot Kenpo..... Like driving down the street and I might be smoking a cig, I rarely smoke a cig in the car, but have from time to time. I find myself at times holding it down , I know in the back of my mind I don't want some of the JW 's to see me, ... why? I have no idea, I really think I couldnt care less, but I must. I also, don't want them to think I left because of smoking, because that was not even an issue really when I d/a myself. I am sure most know I am an apostate, but that doesnt bother me at all really, I just feel they are totally in the dark and just can't understand. I just want them to know that I just don't believe in JW anymore . It is rare around here for someone to go out for apostacy. But I sure tell everyone who used to be witnesses why I am not one anymore.

I still get those JW moments over lots of things, saluting the flag, wondering if Armeggedon is going to hit afterall, the sign of the last days, bla bla bla.

Then I feel the panic and I remember that I don't want to live my life in fear of God, and what ever happens will happen, and I get over the passing feeling of running back to the kingdom hall.

bay64me

I got that horrible sort-of-rising-from-within-feeling last week when I took my daughter to her new nursery.

I was asked to sign a consent form in order to allow her to be walked a short distance to the local church for their preparations for a carol service.

I could feel this indignation-sort-of-self-righteous feeling that was saying I AM BETTER THAN YOU AND I HAVE A SUPERIOR RELIGION AND WE WILL NOT BE TAKING PART....etc...etc...etc...

But I overcame it and I felt it was somewhat of a major victory for myself.

I do have apprehensions about attending the thing myself...but I bloody well will go, even if it's just to prove to myself that I can!

Dawn

I was giving my JW mother a ride somewhere last week and she sneezed in the car. I immediately said "bless you"....................

Then realized I was with my JW mother and started feeling guilty. Guilty for saying "bless you".....how stupid.

Sabine

My biggest jw "hang over", for lack of a better term, is that I have a hard time being myself. I usually have a big smile on my face, am very polite and will bend over backwards to accommodate others. These are positive qualities, but not if they don't reflect my genuine feelings. As a jw for most of my life, I always felt every deed and thought reflected on Jehovah. I thought being very nice and positive would attract others to the religion and reflect the "new personality".

I find I'm confused as to how I am really feeling. When I encounter a negative situation, I react politely, then hours or days later it will hit me...hey that sucked..I should have spoken up!! Being positive/nice all the time is just so automatic...I can't seem to shake it. I know this isn't the worst problem to have, but I feel so fake sometimes...

pandora

Sabine-

Wow,I just had to comment!! That was completely me. I spent my entire life with a smile on my face no matter how I felt. When I got out, it caused a lot of problems. I was soo repressed. When the feelings finally started to surface, it was a little scarry. Ya know, when you repress all bad feelings for so long and suddenly the bad feelings are coming out and possibly taking over, well, you gotta wonder how bad they can get. I mean it's not like you were able to express them before.

I finally went to a therapist for help. It did a world of good. I learned how to express myself in the moment and not hours or days later. And I learned that there is no good reason to supress how you feel. I am free now.

-P(J)

Just when you think your mind is fixed

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