Tonight I took my kids to my Aunt and Uncles yearly Halloween party. This was the second year we made it. THe kids had a blast, many activities and ran around like the bunch of wild indians they desended from. There were actually 3rd cousins there too. So they got to see many relatives they havent seen before. I got to see an aunt, that I missed alot. She asked me if I talked to my dad and I told her no and why( d/a and he is an ass) , she said that relgion yall were in sure was sad. It is has turned your dad into something he was not raised to be. Someone who has turned on his own two daughters, and they all see it. This aunt is my dad's sister and she still loves him ,but knows that he is not right in the way he is treating us. I tried to respect my aunt by not calling my dad every name in the book , I was brought up that you talk to your elders a certain way, no matter what or how mad you might be at someone. She told me something about my mom, she told me that my mom was very sad being a JW and really didnt want to stay one, but did for dad. That was really new news to me. My aunt said that she and my mom talked about. My mother never mentioned in words that she wished she wasnt a JW anymore, even after she got d/f. I thought it was what she loved. Maybe she felt trapped and had to stay for her marriage. But my aunt and her were close thru the years and I believe what my aunt said. SHe said that religion is alot of the reason my mom ended her life. And that she was so glad that I and my family got out in time. She said that she tried to talk to my dad thru the years but he wouldnt budge. When dad got her to take a book, I remember all of them burning them in the garbage barrell.
I sat back in the back of the garage , that my aunt had put her heart into decorating for the kids and just watched the family I had grown up with,and felt jealous. My uncle, dad's brother, my aunt and their four kids,laughing posing for pics, my uncle holding a precious grandchild , the cousins calling out
"Daddy" to Uncle Sonny, and how they loved sharing this song with him and this laugh or what one of the kids did. It made my soul sick, and greived knowing I was really missing out on those precious times I could have had with my dad like this.
My uncle was great, he made over my kids as usuall and bragged on them. My youngest son, kept hugging them over and over, like he was starved for someone on my side of the family to love them. It brought tears to my eyes to think of how damn precious they are to me, how could my dad desert them. Cult and brainwashing is why and how. I hurt over the loss of what could have been , but tonight I saw my kids reaching out to almost strangers, they know them but not welll, but wanted to be part of the family . They were made over and fit right in with their cousins. It reminded me of the way my cousins and me were raised. My aunt even said she doesnt understand my dad's actions because he wasnt raised that way, and they all had the same parents, all ten of them and he is the only one who shuns his kids for no good reason,other than his religous stand.
I realize that what I have went thru , what I am going thru will forever be a thorn in my heart. He will never change and I heard from aunts and uncle he is moving out of state. He had no plans to tell me at all. Oh well.
But tonight I also realized that I will never fit into being so called normal, for I have too much baggage. I will never be able to erase my mind of all the losses. I may never fit in , the world that I am trying to know. I will never forget my JW days. I guess, it was a good moment , even thou it triggered pain tonight, it helped me to accept. Accept that I am and always will be an ex jw, baggage and all. At least I know where I stand with myself and when I find my real peace, I know that what I am going thru now, the pain , will make me appreciate it so much more.
Edited by - LyinEyes on 27 October 2002 5:12:11