Soul sick days, I hope lead to more appreciation

by LyinEyes 13 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Big Tex

  Dede

  I'm so sorry for what you're feeling. I haven't spoken to my father in 10 years (which is actually a good thing); my mother died of cancer in 1989 and I was forbidden to see her in the hospital or attend the funeral. I was even left out of the funeral talk at the Hall. So I do know a little bit of what you're feeling. I agree with everyone that you need time, but I also think you need to grieve what you're losing. Sometimes you need to feel the way you feel until you don't feel it anymore. Maybe this is one of those times. Relating what you felt while watching your children touched me deeply. In my humble opinion, your father doesn't deserve you.
• 

  Sentinel

  Lyin Eyes,

  Your post is so honest and forthright, and actually, when you stop to think about it, is very therapudic. As much as these things hurt us, we do need to get them up and take a look at them before we put them to rest so we can have peace.

  Our past can't be changed. Yes, how we do seem to cart our baggage around. It's so much a part of us. It is who we are. But, as much as we feel a sort of comfort having all these memories, they can hurt us over and over if we let them.

  It has taken me time, some twenty years to get to a place where I can feel comfortable enough to "let go" of all this stuff that was dragging me down and hindering me from living the real life I faced every day. It's different for all of us. I struggled for a very long time. When the sad memories of my life try to surface, I'm successful, more times than not, in keeping them where they belong---in the past. I've worked hard at replacing the bad parts of my life with choosing to change my pattern of behavioral reactions to situations.

  As long as you recognize that you do have control, right this very moment, for how you react and how you perceive the world around you, there is nothing that can hinder you from healing and becoming the person you were meant to be. And, of course, to understand those things that you cannot control, and just "let go", you will be released of so much pain.
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  Dear DeDe,

  I'm sorry that you are having a tought time tonight. I too, feel your pain. I don't know if I'll ever be what they call *normal*, but like others have said here, maybe in time we will heal.

  {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{cyber hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
• 

  LyinEyes

  Karen, you are right there is so much good that comes out of expressing yourself, it is theraputic for sure. It helps me to know that it took others years of finding their peaceful place. I know I will never forget all that has happened , but I will in time learn at least what I don't want to be and that gives me something to work on for the rest of my life.

  Tink, thanks for hug, you are always there to listen to me when I go thru all these ups and downs, and I appreciate your understanding and support.

  I appreciate everyones support, sometimes I get truly embarrassed for being so open and honest about my feelings and wonder,,,,,,,,,why did I tell that. A lot of the reason I am telling how I feel, is for the first time in my life, I have nothing to hide for fear of it coming back to hurt me. I don't have to act perfect , which i never was anyway, and it is liberating. I get to say to the world , that hey ,, I feel like a piece of crap today, or I had a great day today, or ask questions without being told to keep quiet ,to be strong. I can show that I am weak at times , that I don't know what to do, and I am confused.I am thankful that most of my days are pretty darn good, I have alot to be thankful for. I really am grateful to have all of you to talk to and I know so many of you have almost the same circumstances in our growing up years as JW's.

  I guess being open about my feelings does make me feel exposed , I am learning to do it and boy I sure do it well, dont I .....LOL, but years of silence will do that to you. I always wonder if there is one person who is out there who feels trapped in JW and can't get out, if they see that we "apostates" are not evil, just people with the same fears they probably have too, it may help them to get out of JW . I have heard many stories of ones who have lurked her reading and absorbing the things said here. Then one day , they are ready to have their stories heard too. Then I will feel that telling my stories of my exit out of JW , and the bonds that held me for so long , will have been worth it.

  Again thanks for listening and being supportive...........hugs Dede