Dear Friends,
Thanks for all of your responses! I feel much better today! It really is comforting to know that there are many who are familiar with my current crisis and are willing to help. I am especially touched about how many of you have considered what my wife may be perceiving from my current actions. Thanks for considering her. Yes, she knows I'm frustrated. She now understands the background of my life being raised in the WT organization. I'm blessed because she is really tender at heart and very aware of my situation. Of course, I have to be careful on how I will have to start "baby feeding" her about what the JW's are really about. I don't want her to think or find out that I was reading "apostate" material. That will only discourage her.
I will start taking the steps as you all had suggested. In particular, the "keep your mouth shut" advise. Since I have seen many Witnesses come and go, I know the implications of what expressing our own true thoughts about the Society can bring (DF). And for me that isn't what I want. I know that there are many who may feel otherwise and would want me to be more courageous and take a firm stand and announce to the Society/congregation/elder body about the way both I and they have been deceived. I'm sorry, but I'm not quite so bold. I need to be careful now about how I will slip away. I still feel that there are many "good people" out there in the WT organization. It is only because what they have been "molded" to become and what to think by their family and peers in the WT organization is what makes them a JW. They are still people! ("Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" Luke 23:34).
Since I didn't go out in field service for the past week, canceled a shepharding call whom I was to accompany an elder, plus I skipped the Book Study twice in a row, the elders have already "come-a-knockin". I also haven't commented at the WT study the last two Sundays. Being a Ministerial Servant, that raised some of the elder's eyebrows. I also notified the Presiding Overseer this morning by e-mail that I can't fulfill my part in the Service Meeting tonight. (I still have to tell them that I want to cancel my public talk coming up in two weeks). All of this along with my letter expressing my desire to step-down as a Ministerial Servant a few days back has certainly raised a red-flag. It makes me wonder if they will ever grant my request to step down from my privileges. I hope I don't have to wait for the next Circuit Overseer visit in order to step down because we just had him visiting (spying) 2 weeks ago and his next visit isn't for another 6 months. The elders have already came by four times within the last week. I expected them to. That's what they usually do, right? But the last time, yesterday while I was posting my 1st experience on this forum, the elders came by again, but I didn't open the door. (I wonder if they knew I was home or not? My wife was out in field service with some friends in another congregation.) But during the times that I had met with the elders when they came by "unexpectedly" (as usual), I only expressed about my relationship with Jehovah is not as it should be because I'm down and depressed. (NOT A LIE! TRUE! ~ The reason for being depressed is that I never learned how to "love" God. I really hope that I can one day).
I know that my mission and recovery will take time. Most likely the scars will never heal. Who knows? My self-esteem is at it's lowest ebb ever. But I appreciate the boost of confidence that all of you have given me. I'm glad to be on-board. Thanks for all of your support! I'll let you know what develops.
Yours "faithful and true",
Alligator Wisdom (aka Brother Exerting Vigorously)
