A thought or two on prayer...
I think that what trips so many people up in their prayer life is that they hold a somewhat rigid definition of just what constitutes a prayer or the act of praying
I remember a time in my life that I was fairly certain that there was no God, that while my lips were forming the familiar words of praise, my mind was reciting a very different refrain: I dont even believe in you, why am I saying these things? Are you even there? Am I just talking to myself? Do you even exist? Why dont you ever answer if youre actually there? Occasionally the internal dialogue would become even more intense and dissolve into anger: I hate this. I hate you. I cant believe Im spending my time talking to the great imaginary friend of mankind To hell with this, to hell with YOU, Youre a waste of my time.
I confided my doubts to a friend one afternoon. How was prayer something I could continue to participate in if, in my heart, I was anything but prayerful? He told me that, at times, his oldest son would get angry at him and resentful of decisions hed made during the course of parenting. Often, the boy would refuse to speak to him at all. Other times his son would lash out angrily at him verbally. He said that, though neither situation was particularly enjoyable, he much preferred the latter, because even though his child was furious with him, at least he was still talking to him. That story made me realize that even at my angriest, my most resentful dialogue was still a prayer. It was still communicating with God, still speaking to him. In my mind, I began to associate prayer with conversation with God. I decided that my prayer life would change. I would tell God what I was actually feeling, and when I didnt know what I wanted to say, I realized that sometimes the desire to pray is in itself a prayer. My thoughts and feelings during prayer werent distracting God from the needs and desires of others. This is GOD were talking about, not AT&T. You cant jam his lines.
I still doubt, I still get angry sometimes, I still wonder at times if Hes listening. The difference is that Ive decided its OK to think these things, but instead of holding them close and never speaking them aloud, I give them to God as part of the conversation. I used to believe he didnt ever answer my prayers. Now I believe he always did. He just didnt always say yes.