Why I don't Have Children

by teenyuck 28 Replies latest jw friends

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  teenyuck

  Thanks caligirl and Silverleaf. I appreciate the support. Usually the comments are from people I am meeting for the first time. People ask "do you have children?" I used to say no. They would ask when we were going to. I would tell them maybe not; medical condition and work and all. The horrified looks on the womens faces were telling. They of course are the super mom's. Work, kids, house work, cooking, etc.

  I need 8 or more hours of sleep. The meds I take make me tired. Having to work 40-60 hours, as I have done, were done to pay bills and bad decision making when using the Visa. Now that we are caught up, the thought of getting back into debt (kids are expensive) and still having to work in stressful. I would want to be home with them. Which brings one back full circle to the committment and the loss of freedom.

  In the back of my mind I think I might blame the child for taking away my freedom. I also worry I will say the things my mom said. (she was big on telling my sister and I we were "milstones around her neck" This was thrown at us many times after her divorce. If we were not there her chances of getting re-married were better. She was not too concerned about her career.)
• 

  TresHappy

  Well at first I was absolutely devastated. All of my siblings have children, I have been an aunt since I was in elementary school, so I thought I would eventually have children. What got me crazy was going back and forth to that clinic and sitting in the waiting room to have another sort of blood test or scan or something else to take my money. Then getting the phone call, sorry you're not pregnant. I mean the rejection I felt was monumental. I am only speaking of MY experience. I am sure there are thousands of women through the years that have been helped by that fertility clinic, and feel it was a bargain. I am just telling the other side, and 30 percent success means 70 percent non-success. The psychological part was worse. It was like driving into a brick wall and told to put your car in reverse and try again. I told the nurse if I had to come back to this clinic I was going to jump off a bridge.

  My friend said it's not fair that I don't have kids. I said, whoever said in this life things were always fair. It wasn't fair that 3000 people were slaughtered on September 11 either, however it happened. How about those people who were pumping gas and then getting a bullet through them in the Washington DC area?

  I am grateful for the things I do have.
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  Tinkerbell4125

  For me, it was something that I didn't have a choice in. I had to have an emergency hysterectomy when I was 28 because of endometreosis. I would have liked to have had children, but it just didn't turn out that way. If a person decides not to have children, I certainly feel it's their right. I sure think it's alot better than people who have children and then not taking responability for them. That's what really upsets me!
• 

  Xena

  Hey teen,

  Thank you for sharing your experience. I waited quite a while to have my daugher (we were married 10 years) and caught some flack for it...got the "who is going to take care of you when you are old" bit...like that is the reason to have kids, right????

  Funny thing about being a JW...I actually caught MORE grief from parents and siblings when I did get pregnant....I cried when I found out and didn't want to tell them...how sad it that? *sigh* but I guess it illustrates that no matter what someone is ALWAYS going to have issues with you....lol the age old saying "you can't please everyone all the time"

  Everyone has to make their own decisions based on their life experieces and circumstances. I think no more, no less of anyone who makes the decision to have children or not to have them. And I am sorry that there are people out there that seem to want to make it their mission in life to judge others and make them feel bad for not making the same decisions they did.
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  teenyuck

  Hi Shakita, I missed your post as I typed my other one.

  I am on Mysoline (Primidone). Since this started when I was in my mid 20's they put me on dilatin, then tegretol. I would stop taking it because of the side effects. I was tired, moody, depressed, etc. So I would stop. Then have a seizure. They finally put me on Mysoline. It really is not any different from the other meds. I think at that point I had gotten used to having a barbituate in my body and the side effects were not as bad.

  I have really researched the issue of having a baby while on the meds. The risk is cleft palate and spina bifida. I know it is only 10%, but combined with my age it is higher and I worry. All the meds for epilepsy have similar birth defect rates. The docs really push that I take folic acid and if I think about getting pregnant, let them know ahead so it can be planned.

  The thought of bringing a handicapped child into the world would really bother me. I would always second guess myself and wonder if I should have just had kids immediately when getting married. (before the epilepsy)

  From all the info on the Epilepsy Foundation website ( www.efa.org), your daughter has a good chance of out growing it. But, they told me mine would probably go away in a few years.

  I have tried to stop my meds, slowly, for the last 15 years. The most days I can go on no or lowered meds, is about 2 nights, then I have seizures again.

  Have you checked out the Epilepsy website? It is really helpful and they have all kinds of discussion boards.
• 

  teenyuck

  Tisinyourwishbone------Get Fucked

  Edited to add: If you think that was a "sob story" you have not read the personal experiences of others on the board. You are obviously an idiot troll. Hench, my statement stands. Get fucked.

  Edited by - teenyuck on 15 November 2002 12:39:31
• 

  teenyuck

  I am just telling the other side, and 30 percent success means 70 percent non-success. The psychological part was worse.

  That is the worst. The build up sounds so good. I am so sorry for the pain they put you and other women through. The false hope and disappointment would be devestating. They need to be more open and forthcoming with the facts.

  For me, it was something that I didn't have a choice in. I had to have an emergency hysterectomy when I was 28 because of endometreosis. I would have liked to have had children, but it just didn't turn out that way. If a person decides not to have children, I certainly feel it's their right. I sure think it's alot better than people who have children and then not taking responability for them. That's what really upsets me! I am sorry that you had to go through that. That is why I feel selfish. I have everything (I think its all working) and I don't want to get pregnant.

  Thanks for your thoughts and insights. It is always good to hear other experiences.
• 

  maxwell

  Looks like mostly women replying on this thread, but I just wanted to express my general agreement. Having children is a personal choice. I don't have nor do I have any plans to have children. In fact, I'm probably going to get a vasectomy at some point. I totally respect the people who decide to take the responsibility and do it right. I feel empathy for those who want to have them but can't. Of course there's the option of adoption, but again of course, that's a personal choice and a person may not like that option for various reasons.

  And I really wanted to express similar feeling on the "who's gonna take care of you when you get old" reason. That to me is one of the most terrible and selfish reasons to have a child. I'm generally a very calm and quiet person, but I can feel my temperature rise when I hear that. It's like saying I'm going to make a personal servant for myself when I get old. OH Yeah we need a maid, also. Pop out another one.
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  mouthy

  Hi Teen! thought I would add my 2 cents... I admire you for the way your handling your discission.

  The two happiest couple I know NEVER had children & are still in love with each other. They are old now.. Married 60 years.

  I had kids because I wanted them (-not as often as they came)I have lost 3 now in death- but as for "they will look after you when your old" Forget it!!!! The two that are left -One shuns me ( she is a JW) the other ( even though I love them both is far to busy working! holidaying!,minding her grandchildren,Really has no time for Mother. I dont mind though-I am glad she is free of the WT & doing all the things I wasnt able to do. Spent my life knocking on doors!!!!!

  Keep your love for each other fresh!!!! God Bless

  Grace
• 

  BeautifulGarbage

  TeenYuck,

  It has always been my opinion that people that don't desire to have children, ought not to have them. I only get annoyed when they attempt to offer me little "gems" of parenting advice, or get all huffy when a child misbehaves.

  I didn't want any children either until I met my husband. I was militant anti-kid. In fact, when I ran into one of my closest friends from high school after nearly 20 years, she was SHOCKED that I had kids. I have a younger brother and sister. My brother being nearly 11 years younger than me. My Mom was only 17 when she had me and was done having kids by the time she was 28. She really scarified her youth for marriage (at 14!) and kids. I didn't want that to happen to me. When I was a teenager, you wouldn't have been able to pry my legs apart with a crowbar! I never had the idea that sex was bad, I just wasn't willing to risk pregnancy.

  I didn't have my first child until I was nearly 30 and married for over 4 years. Then, we were also told we probably wouldn't have children because of a condition my husband has. "A million to one" his doctor told him. Ha! When I went off the pill, I was pregnant within 4 months. Make that a million in TWO!

  Anyway, it is none of anyone's business why you don't have kids. My best girlfriend is childless by choice. Our lives are very different, but I wouldn't never fault her for her choice. She sometimes baby-sits my kids and they adore her.

  Tena, it seems for you, childless is the right choice.

  Andee

  Edited by - BeautifulGarbage on 15 November 2002 13:9:17