i feel the psycological scars are forever....they may fade with time,,,but if the cut is deep enough it will always be there...can a person move on?????? i think it depends on the persons situation,, their personality and what has incurred....it is alot to get involved with,,,,
When is it really over...................???
by inaweout 18 Replies latest jw friends
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HoChiMin
Inaweout;
I am in a similar position as you describe, my girlfriend has never been a JW and from what I've informed her she never will be. I try to explain cult life as best as possible to her, but it's hard to grasp if one is lucky enough to never have been involved.
Although I have never been a JW, nor will I ever fully understand the meaning and/or purpose of the JW beliefs, I have done some research and albeit unsubstantiated, I think it's a forum for people who may have had some difficult times, perhaps lonely, naive, and extremely vulnerable.
As for your description: "some difficult times, perhaps lonely, naive, and extremely vulnerable". Not many would like to admit these possibilities, think of battered wife syndrome they keep going back after some life threatening occurrences and many can't convince them otherwise and they wind up dead. JW's are much the same however some are raised in it and had no choice, I can't imagine how they get out but they do. Others , like myself, made a choice to join and a choice to leave. Some can run, some walk, some linger, how angry or happy one is at every part of that journey will be as different as snow flakes.
HCM
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troucul
Maybe some who were raised in it have a harder time adjusting to life outside. Maybe some of you who were could reply to this. I was raised in it, and now that I'm out, I feel a little detached. The false sense of love within one's family and circle of friends is difficult to change into something real, once you enter the real world. My entire family is out, and while my parents (who were not raised in it)have an easier time going back to celebrating Christmas, even after 5 years of being out, myself, I still can't get into it. Don't know if I ever will. And not only that, I still have a hard time with my own family. I just can't get close. It's difficult to describe. Anything similar from you guys/girls?
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inaweout
Thank you to all that viewed and especially to those who replied.
This experience is a work in progress for you as well as for those who are going through it, although the journey is via a different form.
Many of your responses were helpful and supportive.
Others were informative and maybe a little 'enlightening' as the one referenced below. Enlightening to the realization of the level of ignorance I represent as a 'worldly' person. To some degree, I am thankful; but because I am involved in an ex-JW, who I would like to spend the next several years by his side, I need to become much more educated as to what my role should be and what level of support he needs or would like from me.
You intimated that people who have had this experience will never lead happy and successful lives or have the same in relationships. It seems to me that you are being somewhat naive. Your comment seems indicative more of someone who is not prepared to be involved with a person who has such deep and resounding issues. Quite frankly, you may not have the maturity and the patience to go the distance with this fellow. It's too bad that you seem to condemn the person recovering from victimization just because you can't relate to the experience. It may turn out that the experience works to smooth some of your boyfriend's rough edges, and creates a deeply empathetic, warmly affectionate and loving fella. Or not. Patience has it's rewards, but they're only for the worthy.
Lastly, the response below is the one that is the most descriptive and identifiable to me. Probably because it's the one that hits closest to home. I wonder if the snowflakes will ever appear as though they are the same (just flakes of snow) or will they always be viewed as different.
Some can run, some walk, some linger, how angry or happy one is at every part of that journey will be as different as snow flakes.
Thank you all again for sharing with me your thoughts, comments, and experiences.
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Lin
As one who was born and raised a jw, I can definitely relate to many of the comments given. I'm 42 years old now, and officially left the org in '95. For the first couple of years I wanted nothing to do with anything spiritual or religously natured, couldn't bare to hear biblical discussions or even vague comments. I left the org for my own reasons, and had nothing to do with the Silentlambs cause or even discovery of it's falsehood. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I even began to do research into how I was raised to believe. All I knew at the time was I wanted no part of what was supposedly a God-directed organization, one where wives are abused by husbands and children are abused by parents and other members, and I wanted no part of a God who expected me to stay with an abusive husband and keep quiet about the abuse I suffered as a child. I left the org and divorced my abusive jw husband with the Full and Complete belief that God now hated me, and so be it because I had no use for such a God.
Only in the last couple of years have I begun to research the beliefs I was raised with, and the results were devastating to me, to say the least. My entire family are active, Hardcore witnesses (except for just one brother), and I have no contact with them. To grow up in a large family where I am the only daughter, and suddenly be considered dead by them all, was/is difficult. I am not dead obviously, and am happily engaged to be married to the most wonderful *worldly* man alive, yet I cannot share any of my happiness, joy and upcoming wedding with them. I haven't yet figured out the concept of "unconditional" love, because Conditional love is all I've ever known. You are loved and accepted only if...... Rejected, thrown to the world outside you've never known if......
In answer to your specific question, I would have to say each of us deal and heal in our own ways and in our own time, no one can be rushed. I also don't believe there's anything you personally can do for your boyfriend other than to be there for him, to let him vent if he needs to, to be the shoulder he cries on if he needs to, to be the one he shares his hurts and sorrow with, and for you to just listen. No one can truly understand what another is feeling and experiencing unless they've been through it themselves. Be there for him, and just listen and love him. "Moving on" may take different forms for each person, and each of us must find our own individual path. For me personally, the first 35 years of my life as a jw, a silentlamb, an abused wife all within the org, puts me in a unique position to understand and help others who've experienced what I've gone through and rather than running from my past and not ever wanting to think about it or talk about it or pretend it never happened, I use my past life experiences to help others. I don't see myself as a victim, but a survivor of things no one should ever be put through. I don't have the fuming anger others experience, but rather I focus my attention and time on helping those who need someone to talk to, someone who really understands. If this means I'm not moving on, so be it, I choose to feel otherwise. I've moved on, and now I try to help those on Silentlambs and elsewhere who need someone to talk to who've been through what many of us have gone through.
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inaweout
Lin:
Thank you for the wonderful letter. Your fiance is a very lucky guy!
Best of luck with your marriage and with the healing process.
in-awe-out
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PopeOfEruke
I'd be easily over "it" but its the JW relatives who are a pain in the ass....I mean I still have to call my aged mother, its my duty. But she never misses a "roll on New System" or some other comment like "Remember I still want you in the New System with me" whenever we speak.
And that brings up all the anger/emotions again. It makes me so angry sometimes, I could gladly hear about a bomb being dropped on Brooklyn Bethel and actually be happy!
Thats sad but thats the way these evil scum are.....brainwashing poor women like my mother, they deserve death for it IMHO......
Pope
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breeze
inaweout.....
Your insight is right on, I think? Otherwise why do all these people hang around this site, well after breaking away.
I am having a hell of a problem with living in the real world and moving on. I don't know if I ever will?
Maybe one day I will work it out? I am 57 now and I have struggled with it since the time the ORG said not to read the Franz books. If I have been born and lived in another country that may not have effected me so greatly. I just thought "I am living in America", the freest land in the world and the ORG says I can't read, "what". It started the downward spiral that I find myself in today.
My trust mechanism is damaged forever?
Probably many here will never live it down or get over it?
Edited by - breeze on 17 November 2002 21:42:26
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reubenfine
I agree with many of these wonderful comments. I would like to add a minor thing that could be major to some people. I was raised a witness and of course never celebrated birthdays, Christmas, etc. Simple things like that that are important to some people are of no interest to me and never will be. Just be understanding if he seems unthoughtful on holidays because he has been programmed that they have no meaning and he probably doesn't even know what is normal for people to do on those days. Don't take his actions at these times personally. He can only care for you in the way he knows how.
Best of luck!