Need help with my husband!

by TweetieBird 22 Replies latest jw friends

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  TweetieBird

  Brief background info - Hubby and I were both raised in the borg. He started having doubts years before me but kept silent. I came across info on the internet, ordered Ray Franz' books, found H20 website, then this one. We are both considered inactive, neither one of us has been to a meeting in months, haven't been in field service in at least 2 years, probably 3. All of his family are strong witnesses, especially his mom. He doesn't read any "apostate literature" or come to sights like this.

  Lately he's been kind of depressed and feels like it's because we have no spirituality in our lives. He asked me this morning when I prayed last and I said that I couldn't remember. He says that he does not feel any inner peace or happiness like he used to when he was a witness. He has gone through this before and at the time we would start going back to meetings, but after 30 minutes there he looks at me and says "I'm over this." When he's not there, he thinks that maybe he should be there, when he is there, he can't swallow the garbage anymore.

  I think he's looking for some kind of connection to God, but it's very hard when you've been deceived.

  Any advice?
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  pettygrudger

  Would he even "try" another religion? I'd look into having him go to a Universal Uniterian church - very non-denominational & from what I've heard, extremely uplifting.

  I would just try to convince him that God just asks that we "seek" him - and perhaps the best way to do this is to look at "other" religions to determine what his faith is. The JW's themselves tell their members to "keep examining & testing their faith", so perhaps its time for hubby to test his. This might get him started, and the journey from then on can be quite interesting indeed.
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  Nathan Natas

  Hi TweetieBird,

  I would suggest that before he tries another religion, he needs to get himself cleared of the Watchtower thought patterns (memes).

  Here are two things that may help:

  1. The book "Releasing the Bonds" by Steven Hassan - $18 (special - normally $25) from http://www.freeminds.org

  Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves. Steven's newest book reveals a much more refined method to help family and friends, called the Strategic Interaction Approach. This non-coercive, completely legal approach is far better than deprogramming, and even exit counseling. 390 pages, hardcover with jacket.

  Get more information here: http://www.freeminds.org/sales/releasing_the_bonds.htm

  2. You might also want to consider the "Healing Oneself from Destructive Mind Control Workshop" by Steven Hassan forming for March 15, 16, 2003 at the Ramada Plaza Hotel at Los Angeles International Airport (El Segundo, CA). Information is here: http://www.freeminds.org/exitissues.htm
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  jgnat

  Jehovah's Witnesses are such an anti-religion. You are asked to believe in them because everyone else is wrong. So what does a former member do when they have decided that the WTS is not living up to its billing either? One is left believing against nothing. This is very different than believing in something.

  It does sound like your hubby craves a spiritual element to his life. Somehow, you both have to activate that natural desire and direct it in a positive direction. Amazing has a wonderful story of how he coaxed his entire family out by encouraging independent bible study. There are also bible studies to be found online. www.gospelcom.net is a great resource. If you are up to going to regular meetings again and having your theology stretched a little, there is the Alpha Program being used by many different denominations. Look for the fella below for a church in your area that is running the program.
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  GentlyFeral

  Pettygrudger, it's the Unitarian Universalistchurch -- just in case you want to use it as a search term.

  Yes, it's a safe and friendly place to go have a religious breakdown -- which is what your husband is experiencing, Tweetiebird. When I needed a place to escape to seven years ago, I needed one with a low bullshit tolerance, non-trinitarian, non-hellfire, and a strong social action tradition. UU was it. I was a UU for 7 years until the pagan thing happened some more. I may go back, just to play with my pals. They keep telling me they miss me.

  Check out their website: http://www.uua.org

  GentlyFeral
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  TweetieBird

  Pettygrudger, I've often thought about the UU, but we are very well known in our area, just my luck, I would be spotted going in or out of another church. We are trying to stay with the fade away approach right now for the sake of the family members that are still in the borg. But, if they (the UU) have some kind of literature to read that would help, that might be an option.

  I also like NathanNatas' point. My husband has some very deeply ingrained witness thinking. Often when we get into discussions, he uses WT logic on me. He has not delved into the anti-witness sites that I have, I have read so much stuff that I know that I could NEVER go back to believing all the crap.

  I think part of his depression comes from not feeling connected to a group of people. But even when we are around some of our few remaining friends that are JW's, it's hard because the conversation always turns to something in the WT or a talk that some brother gave and then our gag reflexes start in on us.
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  Liberty

  The Watch Tower brainwashes us to believe that if we feel bad or have problems it must be because we are "away from Jehovah's spirit" while the reality is that everyone feels depressed and empty sometimes whether they have ever been religious or not. Logically, how could "worldly people" ever feel happy if they have lived their whole lives far removed from Ol'Jehoover's "true" organization? It's obvious that the WT Society uses an old trick from the handbook of all supernatualist frauds and that is to take a normal human emotion and precondition their dupes into believing that it has a special meaning for which only these frauds have the cure. The same trick is used for people whose kids get into trouble, whose marriages go bad, or whose health fails.

  If what the Watch Tower taught were true then JWs should have a higher rate of happiness, good health, better kids, and marital bliss than the general population around them and yet all the evidence I've seen says this is clearly not the case. Everybody has both happiness and troubles regardless of their beliefs, therefore, logic dictates that there is no causal relationship between having "Jehovah's spirit" and living a pain free life. The Watch Tower Society can't protect us from the harsh and random realities of life any more than the Baptists can. I know it is hard to overcome JW conditioning but ask your husband to objectively look at a random sample of "worldly" folks from your same social class and compare them with the JWs he knows to try and find a significant difference in the problems they face or happiness they experiance so he can see for himself that this is just another lie told by the WT Society used to control their victims. I know its hard because it took me years to finally let the evidence speak for itself, Jehovah's spirit or not, life is sometimes unpleasant and the WT offers nothing but hollow fantasy in exchange for sacrificing our lives to their control.
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  Navigator

  Tweetie Bird

  You have already been given good advice. It is probably best to clear out the old thought patterns first. The Universal Unitarians are a fine group, but that may be too big a jump for someone fresh out of the borg. Organized churches really are not necessary to one's spiritual development, but can be useful for those who feel the need to belong to a group. If you are going to join a group, it is important to associate with a group which is tolerant of differing beliefs. The Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), the Methodists, Unity School of Christianity, Religious Science(not Christian Science), the Unitarians all are pretty tolerant of differing beliefs and encourage spiritual growth.
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  TweetieBird

  Thank you all for your words of wisdom. It helps to sometimes get things off your chest. I think that is why I'm further along in my exit from the borg than my husband, I have an outlet.

  Nathan, I took your advice and ordered Hassan's book from Randy's website - seems like a good place to start. I don't know if hubby will read it but maybe I can convey points to him that might help. I have been wanting to get it anyway so you kind of pushed me to go ahead.

  jgnat, i uttered the exact same words to him this morning, that "Jehovah's Witnesses are such an anti-religion."
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  Francois

  You don't need to be in an organization to be spiritual. In fact, organized religion is death to spirituality. After all, The Master did say, "The kingdom of heaven is within you."

  I found a lot of spiritual solace in The Urantia Book. I realize it's not for everyone, but I found an awful lot in it. You can find it in most large bookstores or they'll order it for you.