Help with stepson

by caligirl 10 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  caligirl

  I started this post under kids and parenting, then I realized that not nearly as many people look under there, so I put it here also.

  My stepson lives with his "witness" mother. He is early teens, and recently baptized (he tells us it is because other kids his age did it) He has heard my son talk about holidays and had no qualms accepting christmas gifts from my family last year. I think he knows that we are fully "out", though the subject has never been discussed. He knows that life in our house is different, in a good way, from his life with his mentally ill mother. I am worried that we cannot expect him to be open and comfortable discussing how he feels with us if we are secretive about how we live our life when he is around. If he were to "spill the beans" so to speak (which has happened regarding other issues in the past) about the fact that we celebrate holidays, his mother will set out to see that my husband is disfellowshipped and have absolutely no qualms about causing trauma to her son. She has repeatedly demonstrated that her sons well being and feelings are irrelevant to her agenda, and her ultimate goal is to sever his relationship with his father. Any suggestions on how to broach the subject with him? Or should we leave it alone?
• 

  shera

  All I can say is,take her to court if she tries to take him away.She has no right to do that.
• 

  Navigator

  You don't say how old the boy is, but my advice is to discuss the issue frankly with him. He needs to understand how much more difficult life will be if your family is disfellowshipped. It is unrealistic, however, to expect that your "secret" won't get out, even if he doesn't talk. And kids do talk. You should have a game plan on what you will do if it does get out. In this area, the congregations are a bit slower to deal with someone that is trying to fade. Perhaps that is because their numbers are down and they are afraid of losing more if they take official action.
• 

  pettygrudger

  I hope you don't get upset with what I'm about to say, but I feel its in your stepson's best interest at this point for your husband to "take a stand". Knowing that's one of the most difficult things to do, and not knowing the age of your teenage son, he is being pulled in 2 different directions - and encouraging "secrecy" will only make it more difficult for him in the long run.

  How he views his father is extremely important. If he sees his father living a double life, it doesn't set a very good example (imho - & I'm not judging here). Plus, he may begin to resent his father, and in the long run the fact that your hubby is secretive leads son to believe there's good reason for it.

  Of course age is extremely relevant here. If the son is old enough to understand all the idiosincricies that are involved, a good heart to heart with him might do the trick.

  Whatever you decide to do, its not easy I'm sure! Hopefully you won't end up being the "bad guy" as step parents usually get the blame.

  (Caligirl)
• 

  freedom96

  I am the father in this situation, and to shed a little more light:

  My son and I have an awesome relationship. He also very much enjoys the relationship he has with caligirl, my wife. He lives far away, so he visits on his vacation time from school. He knows that we don't go to the meetings.

  Problem is that I don't want to cause too much stress on him, for his mother says horrible things about me, though he knows this is not true. She is one of those witnesses that is much worse than almost any "worldly " person. If he were to see us celebrating a holiday, or something, I fear it will cause emotional stress on him, because as much as he loves it with me, she says how I will be destroyed when the end comes, and how I am displeasing Jehovah.

  She gets things out of him with threats. She wants to know everything that is going on in my life.

  The other problem, is that I have a very dear friend, that knows that I don't go to the meetings, but we have not discussed it further. I am afraid that he will not listen to what I have found out, and I will lose that friendship. I feel that time is all that is needed for him to see the light too. My ex will hunt his number down, and notify him, just to get at me. She will seek and find all elders involved before, tell them where I can be found, and what I do. With what she feels would be concrete evidence, she will not stop until she gets me df'd. She is very vindictive and hateful. Once that happens, then she will work on my son mentally about how he cannot see me in good concience.

  She cannot do anything for several more years legally with visitation and all, but she will cause much heartache and trauma in our life that we just don't need.

  I usually am the type where I am strong in my decisions. This one is so much more difficult. So many things on the line here.
• 

  pettygrudger

  ((Freedom & Cali)))

  It sounds as if ex has serious issues, this cannot be easy on either of you. When I talked of the "step" parent taking the blame, I certainly wasn't meaning from you Freedom - I was referring to the "ex", and it sounds as if she has quite the axe to grind.

  If your son's old enough, heart to heart is the only way to go. But, doesn't his own religious beliefs come into the picture? If he truly believes the JW's, then he's going to be torn as to what the right thing to do is.
• 

  caligirl

  Serious issues is an understatement for her!! And she has created an enormous amount of financial and physical stress for us from the very beginning, to the point that I now have panic disorder that reqires medication. When he is here, he does not ask to go to meetings or even mention it, and judging by what explorer's history shows, spiritual thoughts are not predominant! His mother has sent watchtowers with him,and they remained on the floor under his bed the whole time he was here( 3 weeks), she has written letters threatening that he will reject his father for not supporting his "public declaration", and it just goes on and on ad nauseum. It appears, at least right now, that his adolescent mind is not absorbed in the witness world. I am not concerned with a bad reaction from him since we have a great relationship, and she already hates me because my stepson has stated that I am the mother he has never had - she forbids him to speak with me when he is "with her" so the only time I get to talk to him is if he is able to call when she is not around.

  He has been through so much living all these years with her that it breaks my heart every time we put him on the plane. He never wants to go. We do not want to place any more pressure on him. But at the same time, it is stressful for us to have to make changes, such as removing all evidence of christmas decorations before he gets here, or having to make sure we don't talk about certain aspects of our life when he is here or cringing when my son mentions that I took him to see Santa Clause 2. It really takes an emotional toll. I want it all in the open, but I also do not want to cause him any distress, but I do not think that it is possible or necessarily healthy to protect him from reality. He lives in a "home" (term used lightly) where he is constantly exposed to raging fights between his mother and stepfather (both of whom are supposively good little witnesses). His time with us provides him with much needed peace and a loving atmosphere that he does not get the rest of the year. So therein lies the dilemma. Weighing the risk of laying it all out for him and hoping he is ok with it vs. continuing to cause ourselves the stress of hiding a small portion of who we are when he is with us. I lean more towards thinking that he would accept it just fine, but there is that small area of doubt that has kept us from broaching the subject thus far.

  My son will be here this year (he was with his father last year) and so will my sister, who has never had a christmas tree. I want so badly to have the tree here so that they can enjoy it and we can feel like it is a real christmas, but at the same time, not at the expense of my stepson or my husbands friendships, which have been around long before I came on the scene and their feelings are extremely important to me. I am willing to take the blame so to speak and lay sole claim to all decorations if we leave them up, but that would still have repercussions on my husband's realtionship with his friends.
• 

  Been there

  Wow............What a dilema. I totally see both sides and they weigh equally. There is alot to lose. Usually when things are so close it helps to make a list of pro's and con's. I helps you to see things a little clearer, what appears to be equal may not be so much when written side by side. When all else fails I flip a coin and stand by that decission.

  Is it possible to not do things until he comes. Before he goes to your house take him out to eat or something and have a talk with him. Kids are pretty smart. Let him know your dilema in an age appropriate level. Let him see all the sides and the problems that may arise. Let him know you respect him and his beliefs and you don't want him to be in the middle or feel he has to hide anything or be interrigated (because that would cause things to be severed), or leave him with a conscience he can't live with. (May be you could have a Conscience Christmas, witnesses do it all the time, have as much Christmas as he can live with and not spill the beans. I think you said he is a dedicated baptized witness, he has much to lose also) If after hearing the different sides he wants to go for it, then you have some family fun putting Christmas together. If he can't then there will be other Christmases (I know you are excited to get on with life, but you do have much to lose right now, is it worth it? would next year be easier?)

  I repeat, Wow ............What a dilema. Good Luck.
• 

  Scully

  caligirl and freedom:

  From what you describe, maybe it's time to let your stepson know he's welcome to live with you on a permanent basis when he's legally old enough to make that choice. In some places it's as early as 12 or 13. It would break my heart too if a child cried at the thought of going home to their mom because they'd rather stay with me.

  The other issue:

  My son will be here this year (he was with his father last year) and so will my sister, who has never had a christmas tree. I want so badly to have the tree here so that they can enjoy it and we can feel like it is a real christmas, but at the same time, not at the expense of my stepson or my husbands friendships, which have been around long before I came on the scene and their feelings are extremely important to me. I am willing to take the blame so to speak and lay sole claim to all decorations if we leave them up, but that would still have repercussions on my husband's realtionship with his friends.

  I'm glad you're sensitive to this. Perhaps you could forego having a Christmas tree in your home for now, and settle for some lovely natural-looking garlands around the doors and windows and on stair railings and a nice centerpiece on the table - evergreen branches and white carnations are gorgeous together. Snowflakes and snowmen are other good festive (but not exactly "Christmas-y") decorations. You can always go and see a Christmas tree that's set up in your community. One of the local hotels here even has a display with 20 or so decorated trees set up in their lobby, it's a huge attraction, and you could take the lad for a nice meal at a nearby restaurant so he can soak up the ambiance of Christmas without having his conscience upset, or his mother get on his case about it. Even from where I am, thousands of miles away from you, I can see that the poor kid is miserable being a JW.

  Love, Scully
• 

  caligirl

  Thanks everyone for your replies.

  Scully, he lives in a state that does not allow the children to choose. We could sue for custody, at a cost of $15000 or more with no guaranteed outcome, but we cannot afford it. About the only way it could work is if he gets tired enough of what he has to live with to call an attorney for himself and have this attorney petition for him for a change in custody. The problem with that is, if a judge decides not to let him, she will make his life more of a living hell than it already is for "betraying" her by asking to live with his father. She has pulled some absolutely ridiculous stunts and has no problem lying in court. If we were to sue, it is very possible that she could intimidate and browbeat him to the point of forcing him to lie to a judge and say that he does not want to live here. We are just praying for him to have the courage to escape the situation. Whether that is now or in a few years when her opinion won't matter anymore remains to be seen. I do beleive that he is miserable, just by how he reacts to having to leave our home. He is a great kid that makes the best of his situation. But a kid should not have to tiptoe through everyday life out of fear of triggering her rage- which from everything I have been told is quite a sight. It makes me so angry to see a child have to live like that! I just pray that he develops the strength to stand up to her and get himself out of there.

  
  Been there, I agree. What we have to lose as adults does not compare with what he has to lose, and I do not think that he has real comprehension of what he did when he got baptized.To him, it was what other kids his age were doing, and not a big deal. I can relate. I did the same thing at his age. If he were living with us, getting DF'd would have no real affect on his daily life, but if that ever happens while he lives with her, his life would be too nightmarish to contemplate.