Detachment and Experimentation

joelbear

I don't know why I keep burdening this group. Well, yes I do. No one else in my life can really relate to the intertwined emotions I am going through. My bear friends are there, including Mitch, and they they try to keep my cheered up. My Doctor has told me to call him 24 hours a day as needed. He really does care about me.

You guys know my heart as well as anyone on the planet. I am not writing here to try and frighten or disturb anyone. I just need to let these feelings out somewhere.

I don't want to be around anyone I know anymore. I've gone to watching TV in my room. My last game night last week was not fun for me even though most everyone else seemed to have a good time. I don't plan on having any more.

I plan to spend the weekend watching movies, maybe going to a movie.

Monday I cried most of the day, some of it in hysterical sobs.

I plan to visit the gun store this weekend. Maybe the reality of holding a gun in my hand and understand the reality of what it could do to me will shock me out of this downward spiral.

I appreciate the notes I am getting from people. I simply don't have the energy to respond to them all right now. They are all read and meditated on. I would indeed love to hear from anyone here who knows me and what I have gone through the past 2 years.

take care

Brummie

Joel you are going through a really hard time and I believe most here can empathise with you. I'm glad you realise that you can share how you feel with all on this board.

As regard detachment, if you feel its related to your time spent with the cult, then I would highly recommend reading:

Captive Hearts, Captive Minds : Freedom and Recovery from Cults and Other Abusive Relationships
by Madeleine Landau Tobias, et al

It deals detachment and also highlights triggers that set us off on the cycle of not coping.

Thinking of ya

Quotes

hey joelbear!

I don't know you, or what you've been going through, but I've got a good idea.

Without going into details, when I was leaving "The Cult" (and I don't mean that great rock band ) I hit a "low" that was as low as you can go. By some "miracle" (actualy, the miracle was modern medical science) I survived my determined efforts to destroy myself.

I don't know why I'm telling you this, other than to establish a rapport with you, as a prelude to saying "You can turn this thing around. If I did, anyone else can." Personally, one of the biggest helps was my friends. Although I had lost one network of friends (they remained trapped in Dub-dom) I realized that I had an even bigger and better network of friends from school & work. If you don't feel you have friends now, don't worry. You will get some. I did, and you can too. You can start with people here at JWD, and also check out the "JW Meetup" board to meet some in your area.

I also found the following book helpful: "Feeling Good -- The New Mood Therapy" by David D. Burns, M.D. (At first I was skeptical of this being a lot of New Age fluff, but found it to be very solid and scientifically backed, and helpful).

cruzanheart

(((joelbear))) I've been where you are, and to quote one of my husband's past therapists: "You have to feel that way until you don't feel that way anymore." It's kind of like doing a difficult poop, if you'll pardon the comparison, but you have a lot of crap inside of you that HAS to come out or you won't feel better.

Re: the gun - fine, go look at them but whatever you do, please, please don't buy one. You don't need that temptation around you right now.

And please remember there are a lot of people here from all over the world who care about you very much. You are coming out of a cult, a group of people who controlled your mind and it's really scary to try to control your own mind after that. You've been programmed to think of yourself as bad if you don't follow their rules. If you're going to watch movies, try "The Manchurian Candidate." I think you'll see a lot of similarities but, remember, YOU have the inner strength to break away and live your life happy and free. You don't have to have a Hollywood or JW ending. And life is worth living, believe me!

Keep us all posted. We care.

Love,

Nina

Englishman

Joelbear,

I'm sorry that you feel so depressed and worthless. Many of us have been there, some of us bounce in and out of it, so please don't feel depressed BECAUSE you're depressed!

It could be brain chemicals, it could be psychological, ot could be a bit of both. It may well be that your subconscious mind is trying to tell you something that you are blocking out because you are not ready to think about something yet.

Whatever, I hope that you feel better soon, one thing about depression is that there is usually a pay off eventually in terms of self actualisation.

All the best Joelbear,

Mike.

acsot

Joelbear,

You are not being a burden. I also urge you to read and do the exercises in "Feeling Good -- The New Mood Therapy" by David D. Burns, M.D, as well as his subsequent book "Intimate Connections". No, it doesn't just deal with romantic relationships, but also friendships in general. He's very helpful, and it's at times almost step-by-step as to what to do and how to do it; some of us from dysfunctional families never really learned to connect with others, and then being part of a cult made it even more difficult. What you're going through is normal. Don't despair.

Thinking of you!

Incense_and_Peppermints

hi joelbear,

you aren't burdening anyone. what matters is YOU right now, and nothing else. i don't know you, so i can't speak to your circumstances. but i think i can talk to you about your feelings. i have been where you are now. one thing my mind clings to when i feel despair is that it will not last forever. feelings are just feelings; our pain, our anguish, our fear, even our joy. please stay away from that gun shop. you don't need to go somewhere like that to touch reality. i visited your website this morning for the first time and was touched by it, more than i can express in a little post. your eclectic poetry, your gardens, your loved ones, your childhood story, your visits to those beautiful places, peach bear's pilgrimage - that's reality and it's beautiful. you're right, gardening is therapeutic. i have a flower garden and a salsa garden, and there's something wonderful about planting little seeds and watching them fruit. it's like a symbol of hope renewed every time you see a new bud or blossom. and the gardens are a sanctuary for the little creatures that visit it. to me, all of those things that by themselves may seem small or unimportant combine to make us who we are, and you are pretty damn wonderful. i can tell because you didn't just build a website - you introduced your self to the world.

i could tell you stories from my childhood that would make your hair stand on end. i say this now because i want you to realize that someone out there might have gone through something awful too and emerged from it whole. i sometimes think of myself as a broken vase that someone glued back together. it's in little pieces, but it can still hold water and flowers as well as a new vase. and it's even better than a new vase, because someone thought enough of it to save it and repair it instead of just throwing it away.

i know you already have a lot of friends here, but if you can use one more, please write to me

[email protected]

Yadirf

Joel,

I too know what it feels like to be depressed at times, since I have an incurable affliction called "peripheral neuropathy". Depression is a hard thing to deal with. There's a feeling of hopelessness associated with it. That being the case, one does well to focus on thoughts that are hope-inspiring. What we all need is Christ's Kingdom to come. Because that's the real, permanent solution to all the things that ail us. The Bible plainly shows that Christ's Kingdom will be 'born' during the days of the very "king" that we see ruling today, namely the 7th. (Re 13:1; 17:10) Personally, I find it "hope-inspiring" to consider and remind myself of what I've learned relevant to those texts, and review them occasionally for the uplift they provide. Of course, the Society has erred in explaining the 7th king to be the United States and Great Britain even as they've erred in believing that the Kingdom was established in 1914 (but the fulfillment of Daniel 11:35 will take care of that). What I'm saying, is that it's not outside the realm of possibility that you could personally witness that momentous event, since you are a contemporary of the 7th king. But what if that does happen, and you're not around to observe it because you allowed depression to get the best of you. Now that's not a very happy thought, is it?

.

Englishman

Friday,

Hmm. Not bad advice, at the start, that is. However I disagree that expectation is a solution to depression. After all, expectation is hypothetical. Happiness comes from being content with the "now", if we like where we're at, we won't be depressed.

Englishman.

Yadirf

Happiness comes from being content with the "now", if we like where we're at, we won't be depressed.

And just exactly "where" are we at, that we should be so content with it all? The human race doesn't really know what real happiness is, because no one has ever experienced it except for the short time that Adam and Eve did. "If we like where we're at, we won't be depressed," you say? Well, maybe you like the sort of life that came with being outside the Garden of Eden, and maybe you don't consider being alienated from your Creator to be a very serious matter. I suppose that I'll allow you that latitude ... particularly since I'm not God.

.

Detachment and Experimentation

Share this