by Smoldering Wick 23 Replies latest jw friends
I wasn't raised a JW,but I have to say I always had a hard time being social.I love being around people as long as I don't have attention drawn to me.
I felt more like a social misfit when I was a JW,they couldn't accept me for being the quite,shy person I was.I was more alone during the 5 yrs I was a JW,than the yrs before and after.I am still quite when I first meet people,but I enjoy social interaction.I do have to force myself to make small talk and be around people.
Fortunately for me my extended family of non-JWs taught me about socializing and hospitality. Especially after 1981, so many JWs are afraid to sponsor a "large" group event. They are so busy with meetings and field service, they barely have time for their immediate family and the few close friends they have. So cliques develop and people fall through the cracks and no one cares as long as they are in a clique. Socializing is not encouraged or rewarded with privileges. Anything like that is downplayed in the magazines. People are so afraid of offending or stumbling someone that they just avoid it altogether or keep it to a small select group they can trust.
Even away from the WTS, I feel we really have to take the initiative to make a life for ourselves and not sit back and wait for life to happen to us.
Blondie
Ok, so I was born into a big organization of people and never really had to learn how to make friends. Your friends were provided for you. You didn't have to put much effort into keeping these friends as they were always there. They had to be nice to you or else they would look like bad witnesses.
I'm not a born and bred JW but I relate to what you're saying. Before I became JW I was a total misfit, and the instant friendships at the KH were a big part of what contributed to my bad decision.
Not one single person who I was friends with while I was in has attempted to make any contact with me since I left. Some friends. I'm dead to them.
I'm learning some social skills, but it still is hard. My weekends are not action-packed by any stretch!
I was a hermit and misfit BEFORE I became a JW, while I WAS a JW, and now that I am on the brink of leaving, I still AM a hermit and misfit. Maybe that's why I was attracted to the 'Truth' in the first place.
Hi SmolderingWick,
You wrote:
Ok, so I was born into a big organization of people and never really had to learn how to make friends. Your friends were provided for you. You didn't have to put much effort into keeping these friends as they were always there. They had to be nice to you or else they would look like bad witnesses.
I guess a lot depends on the area we grow up in. My experience with friends and keeping friends in the Org. as a teenager and young adult was very different than what you describe.
Where I lived there was a network of young people who became real friends, lifetime friends. I know that not all areas and congregations are like that.
I do agree though that once I left the Witnesses it was next to impossible for me to feel comfortable with anyone in the "world" for quite some time. What is that scripture? "Train up a boy......"
Thanks for your post, it made me think!
IW
Thank you everyone for your responses. I didn't realize there were so many ways to not fit in.
I have decided the only way is to join some some orgs. but my hubby is resistant-he'd rather live in what i call pergertaroy -Wednesday
Wednesday, I've often referred to life between the JWs and the World as Purgatory. You are so right...I wonder who I have to pay to get out.
Maybe it's just a personality thing. -RubyTuesday
Ruby, that could be...all I know is that my personality was molded by the Watchtower. [;(]
endless conditions and making sure you're saying the right thing all the time, scared of speaking your mind. -acsot
acsot, thanks for reminding me of that. I have always been a little twisted, even during my most 'spiritual' JW periods of pioneering. It was so hard NOT to be myself...I had to bite my tongue quite often. My Mom taught me "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I guess that's how I got so quiet! lol
I don't even believe I fit in with them too well, since I was never invited to the things the other young people did. Being shunned by my mother doesn't help me feel any better about any of it. -moana
Hi Moana, welcome to the board! Your comments just show how hard this organization can be on young people and their social development. Many had your same experience, including my teenage son. As a good JW, I wanted to do what was right in raising my child, so I didn't allow him to interact with "worldly" boys his age outside of school. (*sigh* I continued the sad cycle) At the kingdom hall, he was right in the middle of a large group of kids that were older than him, and a group that was too young for him. So, he had no one. How cruel it would have been for the only people he had, his family, to shun him. I am so sorry you are going through that with your Mom. I'm glad you have your hubby...and that you had enough courage to join another group!
I felt more like a social misfit when I was a JW,they couldn't accept me for being the quite,shy person I was.I was more alone during the 5 yrs I was a JW,than the yrs before and after. -shera
shera, I didn't look at it that way. It's so sad to think of all those people still inside the organization who are so alone.
Even away from the WTS, I feel we really have to take the initiative to make a life for ourselves and not sit back and wait for life to happen to us. -Blondie
Hi Blondie, very good advice!
the instant friendships at the KH were a big part of what contributed to my bad decision. Not one single person who I was friends with while I was in has attempted to make any contact with me since I left. Some friends. I'm dead to them. -dantheman
dan,
grrrrr!
(I'm not growling at you, I'm growling at how stupid their conditional friendship is!) The witnesses don't use the fear of HELL to keep their converts, they use a bigger fear...how you will be treated once you leave them.
Maybe that's why I was attracted to the 'Truth' in the first place. -rebel
rebel, yep. We were taught that the best time to witness to someone is when their "heart condition" was right. Like when they've just suffered some great loss (losing their job, someone close dying etc.) Basically, when they needed a "friend." I think I'm getting the picture here. Witnesses come to your door when you are most vulnerable. They smile at you and you think "wow, what a nice person...they're so friendly!" [8> ]
Where I lived there was a network of young people who became real friends, lifetime friends. once I left the Witnesses it was next to impossible for me to feel comfortable with anyone in the "world" for quite some time. -IslandWoman
IW, hi! thanks for your response. Well, yes. I thought I had made real friends too. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. How you could know someone and be their "friend" for over 30 years...and then *poof* they don't even notice you as you pass them in the grocery store.
Hey,
uncle bruce and i may live in our respective caves, but we're really quite gregarious!
caveman
I started studying when I was 9 (a year before my parents started on the Truth book). So this is a real chicken or the egg conunndrum for me. Was I a weird nerdy little twerp because I was a Witness? Or was I just born that way? I tend to think the latter. I never hung out with other Witness kids. I was too busy being Ricky Righteous. I was the kid who actually believed the nonsense I read in the Watchtower, so I wasn't smart enough to lead a double life. It's embarassing now, but I remember refusing to go with my sister to a BeeGees concert (I really struggled with that one) because the Awake magazine had said disco was evil. So after embracing the opportunity to ridicule me endlessly, my father took her. I was so concerned with serving God, I never developed basic people skills. But then if I had, would it have made a difference?
I think that was one reason I embraced the Witness philosphy and outlook. It gave me a reason for being unliked and unlikable. It was okay that I was stupid and ugly because Proverbs said Jehovah loves the foolish ones in the world. I told myself I wasn't a social misfit, I was an iconoclast. And one day, magically, things would be different. The world, and all the people in it would be beautiful and we would all live happily ever after; and if I tried really hard and did more than everyone else, I could tag along. But it was not to be. I regret not being this highly intelligent guy with a witty reprertoire at my disposal. Oh well.
In the next life if I can't carry myself with sophistication and a certain amount of popularity, I want to at least be able to dance.
Ok, so I was born into a big organization of people and never really had to learn how to make friends. Your friends were provided for you. You didn't have to put much effort into keeping these friends as they were always there. They had to be nice to you or else they would look like bad witnesses.
Well said Wicky. After leaving, that is one of the things I apreciated most about making new friends - they were mine.
I really value the friends I make now. They are just interested in me, no duty friendships, no obligation to stay. This makes the ones that stay all the more precious.
Back to your original concern. I think its inportant to remember that despit our witness experience, we are still normal people. Some are more social than others, but we can learn and grow. When I first left I was totally isolated. I remember going to the bar (bad idea) or gym just to talk to people. I had to kind of start at the bottom of the social ladder, having no social history from highschool or whatever. I really had to work to look normal to other people, sometimes glossing over the bad parts from my past. But within a couple of months I met a good guy, then his friends, and so on. Those original friends were so important to me, still now. They've helped me emotionaly, socialy, and finacialy more than any witness ever did, especialy when my back was against the wall. So I generaly recommend socializing, its healthy. Join a club, project, cause, university class, job, etc., and you'll instantly get friendships happening. Treat people well. And remember that this time around its all YOU having the friends, not some fake union.
Excellent link from Lisa. I still have a challenge with that now, black/white thinking. Non-exclusive romantic attraction, betrayal of trust, shifting friendships, and 'grey' morality are sore spots with me. These occasionaly all converge in issues related to romance, and I find this a potent mixture. But I'm still eons ahead of what I was as a witness. Take care all- J
Afraid not. I was an only child, but I did not grow up in a bubble!
When I first left the bOrg, I only had a couple of friends on the outside, and sometimes I did daft things like going to the pub on my own and getting hammered (sad lonely drunk!).
As far as close friends go, I have formed friendships since I left 8 years ago that are loyal and strong - and fun!
So I generaly recommend socializing, its healthy. Join a club, project, cause, university class, job, etc., and you'll instantly get friendships happening. Treat people well.
This is excellent advice. I particularly like the comment "Treat people well". You may find that you will be able to help and support people as well as them helping you.
On the general social side, I don't have a problem with large or small groups of people, or one to one. I can get on with all age groups and backgrounds. Hmmm, wonder where on earth I learnt to do that.........
