by garfield 13 Replies latest jw friends
I have been dating an exjw for a while now ( ; he is a poster here,
zanex) Just lookin for any advice anyone might have. I am a non-jw and
the only thing that I know about jws are what he has told me and it is
not a pretty picture. He mentioned this board to me a while back so I
thought I would check it out.
Welcome to the board!
It probably is difficult for someone like you who has never had the experience of being actively associated with JW's to grasp what a nightmarish experience it is to be part of this group, only to become disillusioned with it and leave. There are a number of books that have been written by former Witnesses, Crisis of Conscience by Ray Franz is the best, imho. Definitely recommended reading if you are serious about learning about JW's and the Watchtower.
Garfield, welcome to the forum! I can only imagine what types of things you've heard so far about jw's, and I hope you will do what you can to read up on the topic. There are numerous topics here having to do with jw's, so please take the time to read as many as you can, and continue to ask questions if you don't understand something. We're all here to help if you need us.
garfiled, hello and welcome. So, Zanex has a girlfriend, eh? hehe, lucky guy.
Being an exJW, the doctrines should not effect you as much as if he were a current JW, but there is a certain mindset that comes with the territory, especially if he were raised a JW. He may seem a bit wild now, but will probably settle down as he rids himself of more of the JW upbringing. But, since I have never met him, that is only my guess. Again, he may be completely opposite too. Again, my guess.
Approach and treat him as you would any other guy you care about and I think you will enjoy the response. If he is being shunned by family, be there for him and do not insist he make up with them, it is on their heads, not his. They chose to shun, not him.
Again, welcome to the board and I wish you both all the luck and happiness in the world as your relationship grows. If there is anything specific you would like to know, please, feel free to ask.
Lew W
Edited by - DakotaRed on 8 December 2002 0:36:51
Welcome garfield!
Just remember that having been a JW will always be a part of who he is, he will most likely NEVER tire of talking about the JW experience or meeting and chatting to those who have a similar expereince.
I am married to someone who never was a JW and we never talk about it really, she probably wouldnt know what to say to a JW if one knocked the door, I havent felt it necessary to offload on her anytime. She knows its a terrible religion and thats enough for both of us. My JW family (aunts uncles cousins)have never acknowledged her exsistence and have never spoken to our little kids, so dont you take it personal if you get shunned by his jw family, just dont prepare yourself to be accepted by them. My none JW family make up for the ignorance of the JW blood.
To be fair to my wife I dont talk jw stuff a lot, however I still talk about JWs a lot to those who have been there and as wacko as it seems to those who havent been there its a deep part of us, i reckon in 40 years time i will still be talking about it to the appropriate people. So the point is, let him talk all he wants, but if you dont want to hear about it, just tell him you have heard enough now and he will appreciate that.
Brummie
Edited by - Brummie on 7 December 2002 19:28:46
dantheman: Thank you for the book recommendation. Zanex mentioned to me before that he was reading it. So, I will have to borrow it from him when he is done!
Lin: As of now, I have come on to the board with Zanex before and he has let me read some of the things that are posted. That is one of the main reasons that I have decided to post this question... so that I could get some insight from others who have been in the same experience or who have partners with these same questions. I will continue to read up on the posts thanks for the advice!
Brummie: I have definitely come to realize that being a JW before will NEVER leave him. He talks about it often and as of now, I find that we have very stimulating conversations when it comes to JWs and religion in general. I was brought up in a christian church and I actually have some of the same questions that he asks me, about religion. I have actually met his paents and have realized that I will never really be excepted into his family. His parents and sister are actually the only JWs, his extended family is not, so I am looking forward to meeting them. Actually his sister is here this week and he asked me if I wanted to meet her, but I really don't think that I am ready to meet her, or if I will ever be ready. Time will tell. Any suggestions if I do meet her?
THANKS FOR THE ADVICE SO FAR!!
Edited by - garfield on 7 December 2002 20:10:2
garfield, I went through a stage of "GETTING IT OFF MY CHEST". It was around the time I found sites like these, and all my mates suddenly became aware of my colourful past.
I have had time to calm down now. Some call it a cooling off period. Some call it burn out. Some refer to it as the time period after which people stop posting here; but either way there is some kind of escape> then realisation> then freedom.
DakotaRed: He seems to think he is lucky too... but I think that I'm the luckier one!!
Zanex has definitely been on that wild kick that you are talking about, but he is not as WILD as before! I have heard some of his stories... WOW!
As far as family, his sister is actually in town now and has called him... I am not sure if I am suppose to encourage him to see her or discourage him!! I personally don't agree with anything that they have done to him in the past or present and which I am sure will continue into the future. So why see her? But she is family and deep down I know he loves her.
Thanks for all the help!!
Garfield, hello.
I am like you a never been JW. My wife was the one raise in it. She left it when she was 18. Her stepfather, mother and 2 of her 1/2 sisters are to put it bluntly, dead to us now. She has quite a family outside the cult but they have always been kept from her and the jw's lied about how horrible I am as well as their daughter. It is so hard to connect with her family so we have a long distant relationship.
You are not right about the jw'ness not leaving a person, it can. I would have said the same thing a year ago. But, I can say that it is in fact gone from my wife. (I AM SO HAPPY!) I really think that when she saw how petty her family is in action to me she lost all respect for them. She saw how hateful they are to me, not just to her. It is one thing when jw's are mean to the one that is shunned. That shunned one has been conditioned to accept that kind of behavior as normal. When it spills over to people that they love and that have no reason to be hated, exjw's realize that this cannot be accepted and they are free in mind. They no longer accept hate as love. The best thing that I ever did was set clear boundaries with the cult. Over time when we had our first baby the jw's became our new best friend. They just slipped into our lives and slowly blurred those boundaries. When they (boundaries) went back up this year I was threatened, screamed at, and called every name in the book. They looked me right in the eye and lied to my face. They lied about me, about my wife, and even lied to my children about us. They are sick people.
I have heard here that 30 is an age that people cut ties. The reason IMO is babies become children. We see ourselves and we have an opportunity to shield them from what we endure. We break the cycle of abuse. Yes, the prophesy scares are still there but they are no longer all there is to life. I have a little boy and a little girl. I swear that my kids are like little angels. They are all the hope I need to have faith that everything is going to be OK. Even animals protect their young from danger. And the Jehovah Witnesses are dangerous.
I would recommend that you study the principles of brainwashing, propaganda, and mind control. Even a relationship can be a "cult" relationship. Learning how and why some people are compelled to control will benefit you in every aspect of your life. You can learn how and why the need for control is self defeating when it is projected to others. The key is to turn that yearning for power inward, use it to understand what you need, want, and who you are.
There are so few JW's and their doctrine is ludicrous that they alone are not perceived as a great threat to the general public. But all controling "cult" groups and authoritarian groups are. It might be worth your time.
Hope I did not babble to long.
Hi garfield!
I don't have any advice today. Just want to say welcome.
'Tis sweet to see you seeking to better understand the one
you care about.
SPAZ
