So the person I call mom continues to baffle me. Anyone who has paid any attention to what I write and ramble on about here knows my relationship with my dearest mother is strained to say the least. We always have lulls in our battles but invariably something will come up to send us off in a tailspin of fighting and arguing.
Today she says to me: I had a dream about you last night
This sounds interesting so I say, Oh yeah?
Mom: Yes we were on a tour bus or something, touring something, and I went to go give the man our tickets and I couldnt find them, so I turned to look for you and you were gone. Then some people on the tour said oh she left, she went to San Joaquin Utah to visit a man in prison. And I was so mad! And then I said oh no she met him on the Internet, how stupid could she be!? And I just woke up angry and sad.
Me: (blank stare)
But behind that blank stare I am puzzling out what this all means. First of all, she apparently feels I will abandon her at the drop of a hat. I am willing to toddle off a tour without telling her. It also means she doesnt trust my judgment. She never has, so why should I expect her to in her dreams. She in heart of hearts thinks I am capable of running off with a convicted felon, still in prison mind you, because I am apparently a horrible judge of character. And finally she has a fear of me spending time on the Internet. (Rightly so probably, she just doesnt realize I am not meeting men here I am just meeting apostates. HA!)
After pondering all this in about 5.3 seconds, all I can think to say is see you dont trust my judgment. To which she says, no I think I do (Sure ya do ma!)
There was some silence, and I dont know why but I decided to share with her my dreams. I said yeah I had a dream last night and I jumped right in about how my dreams are always about quests. I am always looking for someone or something, and I can never find it. I always missed it by a few days or few hours, or find out someone lied to me, and I solve a few parts of it only to get the last piece and find all previous work unraveled, usually at the hands of one of my parents (Freud would love me I know it) and whatever I am looking for or trying to solve, I never do. I just wake up frustrated. So I shared all this with her. Even the part about her or dad ruining my work.
Then she tells me about how its probably tied to self-esteem and even when I was a youngin and she would try to get me to say something nice about myself I would never do it. (Which is true)
Then we quickly jump into how much school I have left, how much money it will cost me, and more importantly I think, how long will she have to continue living with me. When I had this same exact conversation with my father he was proud of me, saying, It must feel so good to see the light at the end of the tunnel and he finished up with, if you need to get on your feet, you can stay with us after you graduate as long as you need to.
The tone with my mother is all about move along little girl, be gone! Which I can totally understand, she has lived with me for about 22 years I can understand her desire to be rid of me, but sheesh, a little tact would be nice.
And again, I confessed my fear that I worry about student teaching, and that what if after all this time and effort what if I get in the classroom and suck. The kids hate me, I am incompetent, and just all hell breaking loose. Instead of perhaps calming my fears by saying oh darling, youll be great why would you think that you wouldnt be? She says well that will be too bad. You cant stay here and earn another degree. Youll have to move into the basement of Scheels (where I work now) and just make signs and do displays for them for the rest of your life (and she wonders why I have an esteem problem)
At this point I should have moved onjust ended the conversation and walked away. But I seem to be seeking pain and frustration in my life and abuse so I stayed. I just kept on talking. (I think I really am dying for some external validation, a hey good job! Youve done so much- youre special, little buddy cuz I am just really down at the moment, and so I think I just kept talking waiting for her to give it to me. And waiting, and waiting.) I forget what I said, it was slip of the tongue. Oh I remember, I said woken, instead of awakened. Now I know the proper wording. However in conversation, ya slip up, use a colloquialism, its not a big deal. But she stops me in my story, corrects me and starts laughing. She says where is that a word? And I said jokingly in my world its a word ok and took a breath to go back to my story but she interrupts again and says and is this the language you will be teaching the youth of America? First of all, huge pet peeve of mine. Apparently because I am an English major I am no longer allowed to have word whiskers, spelling mistakes, slips of the tongue or the occasional misused comma. Fine whatever, people love to catch you in a mistake (as if it zings Mrs. Wearsherpantyhosetootight, their fourth grade English teacher, who they hated.) and ok you caught me! Feel better? But I was just pissed. My mother always seems to take secret relish in my mistakes.
So it was at this point, I put my hands up in a I give up gesture and walked away.
She didnt try to stop me.
She didnt say, Im sorry honey, finish you story
She just laughed and let me walk away.
And yet anytime we get in a fight she always throws in my face how I never tell her anything, how I always cut her out of my life, and how she wishes we could be closer.
I am done trying to bond with this woman. She apparently doesnt want it. I mean why listen to your daughter pour her heart to you when its so much more fun to mock an inconsequential slip of the tongue.
I am done looking for validation from her because its obviously never going to come. Apparently 4.0 GPAs, and rave accolades from professors and employers mean shit. To her I will always be a disappointment, someone she cant trust, and who has horrible judgment, and who will run off with the first drug addict I meet to spawn a bag load of children that will say aint and misspell theyre, their, there.
Sorry, I just needed to vent. And I am overacting over something so small and stupid. Its probably hormonal, so I apologize in advance to those of you who actually sat there and read all this.