Hormone Hostage

Simon

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Top 10 Things PMS Stands For:

Pass My Shotgun]
Pack My Stuff
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid Section
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Plainly; Men Suck
Please; More Salt

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?

Sirona

LOL

Did you know that men have mood cycles too? Its been scientifically tested.

As a retaliation:

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

LOL.

Sirona

How do you make a man confused and irrational? Put him behind a windscreen.

How do you make a man happy? Who cares?!

Why are men like toilets? They are either vacant, engaged or full of shit.

LOL

Sirona

Angharad

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR:
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

Winter Schedule
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4a.m.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like A @*!%? When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR:
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down

ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your DependencyMEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest-You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise -Especially Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule
MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

Sirona

LOL! Excellent!!

Sirona

wednesday

30 minutes of begging is not foreplay

lol

thanks for putting a smile ofn my face this am

will pass this on they are great.

Shakita

Simon........ ha

Angharad...hahaha

Sorry, I am female...so I am alittle prejudice here.

Female and going through menopause..........just wait!.........

A middle-aged woman seemed timid as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..." said the woman.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," said the woman, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"Mmmm, I see." said the, doctor.

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh." the doctor said as he got more and more interested in
her story.

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There is nothing to be frightened about. You're simply going through the change."

Ah.....life.........

Mrs. Shakita

LyinEyes

Simon that was very funny, and yeah , I admit, very true. The light bulb thing is going on in my house right now,,,,,,,,, I think we are all holding out to see how darn dark it will get in here, before someone breaks.

Sirona your lightbulb comeback was awesome.

Angharad,as funny and witty as Simon't little hormone handbook is,,,,,,,,,,,,, Girl You Rock!!!
You had totally redeemed all of womankind with this one. Simon better apply his "safest" answers with dealing with you ,,,,,,,,,,,,,hehheeh,,,Yes Dear!!!

Oh and Angharad where can I sign my husband up for that course, maybe he and Simon can sit together and throw spit balls at the instructor, make paper airplanes and look up girls skirts. They would probably skip class and head to the pub,,,,,,,,,,,

ugg

it is all great!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

wednesday

Simon, anaharard,

I passed these two jewels on to a few mailing list i post on-mostly chronic pain groups.Would u believe, one group BANNED me for this, b/c 2 females (of which i am also) compliained about the pms jokes!! humor is very important ,esp if u are dealing with a chronic illness. how awful to be humorless. All i could say to the list owner when he offfered to let me back in (first offense) was Live long and prosper.

Hormone Hostage

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