My Son

by Windchaser 27 Replies latest jw experiences

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  LyinEyes

  Wind,,,,,,,,,, thanks for sharing your life with us. You my lady, have been thru so much.

  When I was a teenager I thought I hated my mother,,,,,,, we were all JW's and she was hooked on prescription pain pills. She was neglectful for years, and I have only come to admit in the last few years that she was abusive to say the least.

  She had me when she was 16, and I know now what a hard job a 16 yr old must have , dealing with a baby. My son is 16, I can't imagine him raising a child.

  Being to my dad and other factors made my mom want to escape reality. And she did ,,,,, it got so bad she was in the ER to have her stomach pumped more than I can remember. I think she did it to hurt my dad, to get his attention, anything....... she was very alone.

  She would go to the meetings stoned out of her mind, everyone knew it and laughed. I tried to protect her, I never admitted to anyone her problem,,, I held her up, I wiped her chin, I woke her up when she feel asleep in the chair, I pulled her face out of her soup bowl, I walked with her so she wouldnt stumble so bad. God I really hated her ........ I begged her to stop and we would talk to her and she would turn to me out of the whole family and accuse ME of hurting her and wanting to punish her. She really had some issues , I even knew it then. After she committed suicide , it was hard to accept because she was had been thru rehab and seemed to get her life back in order. The night she did it she had went to the quack doctor who aided in her addiciton and got more pills, this time she got Thorazine,,,,,, She was ate up with guilt over the way she did my and my sister and how much of her young life she had wasted, she was sure Jehovah wouldnt forgive her. Before she died I was with her for a week and I tried to explain to her that God loved her no matter what. But she was newly D/F and I guess it hit her harder than I knew.

  Anyway,,,,,,,,, my point is,,,,,,,,,, I also , after I had kids of my own, went thru my own hell, sicknesses , depressions, that I finally kicked myself in the ass over my anger to my mother. I had no idea what she went thru,,,,,,, then all of a sudden it seemed like my life was a mirror image of hers , mainly because of the JW standards and inherited depression.

  I wish I could have told her how wrong I was about her ,,,,,,,,,,, I think she knew I loved her when she died,,,,,, but ...I wish I could tell her how much I understand now,,,,,,,,,, Only time , me growing up, having my own kids, could teach me this.

  Wind,,,,,,,,, you daughter will come around........ it must be hard waiting I know, but if she knows you love her, she will find you. She has to deal with her own problems first and then with therapy she will be taught how important mending a hurt past with your mother is very , very important to healing.

  I wish I could tell her,,,,,,,,,, don't waste time telling your mother you love her, if you are angry , talk it out, Life is too short to waste on ,," if only i would haves."...........I know what a wonderful lady you are Wind,,,,,,,, and I think she would be doing herself a big favor by getting to know you again.
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  jurs

  Windchaser,

  Don't give up Windchaser. Time heals , perhaps your daughter needs more time and to clean up her own life before she can forgive and let go.

  You've done your best to make amends. Even though you haven't got your daughter back , I don't believe that those efforts were wasted. It takes a strong person with much love to take the step you did.

  I agree with the others not to be hard on yourself any longer. I believe its important to see where we've made mistakes and have caused pain , even if its unintentional. You've done that and apologized. Its now up to your daughter to see the love and humility that took.

  A bad mother would never leave herself open to the vulnerability that you have. I don't think your a bad mother. ( And thats a compliment coming from me. ) I can feel such love and pain in your posts. My guess is , is that your daughter does love you , she's just very angry right now at you for her past and at herself for where she is at now. I haven't prayed in quite a long time but you and your daughter are now in my prayers. I really hope you come together again.

  Hugs to you Windchaser

  jurs
• 

  DakotaRed

  (((Dottie)))

  You're still a class act in my book. All the pain and suffering you endured and still, you care so much for others. The saddest part of being abused is how we often pass it on. You were abused, your daughter was abused and now she is abusing.

  Just continue letting her know you are there for her and that you do love her. I imagine that deep inside, she too loves you, but isn't ready to let go of the hurt and is denying her own love. I think she will come around one day too.

  Lew W
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  Windchaser

  ((((Lew, Jurs and Lyin)))) Thank you. I love you for being so incredibly kind. I won't give up hope that Deanna and I will get close one day.

  Love,
  Dottie
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  deddaisy

  These are some of the most touching posts ! Wind, yours and Aroarer's posts brought tears to my eyes. someone, I forgot who now, said that children need their parents when they're older as much as when they're younger! I have to agree. It seems we cannot appreciate the fact that our parents were only human until we live a bit of life ourselves. I too, threw it in my mom's face about dragging me to meetings when I no longer wanted to go. We fought, like a majority of teenage daughters and mothers do, only worst. I moved out of state at 18. I always loved my mom deeply, but rarelyshowed it, and we fought horribly at times. Your daughter most likely thinks about you more often than you can imagine. It sounds though, that she is just at a point of attempting to get numb. maybe you can drop her a line?

  then all of a sudden it seemed like my life was a mirror image of hers

  I wish I could have told her how wrong I was about her ,,,,,,,,,,, I think she knew I loved her when she died,,,,,, but ...I wish I could tell her how much I understand now,,,,,,,,,,

  Lyin, my mom is gone too, and I also didn't understand a lot of what she went through until after she died. Then it seemed that my life was a mirror image of hers, and I understood alot more. I said and did some horrible things to my mom that haunt me still. And I'm often afraid that she didn't know that I truly loved her... but I really believe that they know, and I really believe that they worried about the same thing, if we knew they loved us. I'll never forget my mom making me promise her, just a few months before she died, to remember that no matter what hurtful things she had said in the past, she loved me. They were really beginning to "up" the amount of morphine she was on and she was afraid that she would forget to tell me. And I know that she wondered that herself about her own mother. And I really believe that your mom knew that you loved her, she, like my mom, may have worried that you didn't know how much she really loved you.

  thank you all for the most touching posts,

  peace,

  christina

  Edited by - deddaisy on 14 December 2002 3:49:43
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  waiting

  wow........I'm humbled by the fine persons responding on this thread.

  I really don't think most persons can be classed as a good parent/bad parent. We change throughout all that time, we carry our own childhoods, our screw ups & lousy/fine choices into parenthood. And then it goes up/down from there....for decades.

  Windy, I hope your find peace and happiness with your children. If your daughter refuses to communicate.....well, that's her choice - and she'll have to work it out. Your peace isn't contingent on her.

  To all the others.............what insight to mothers of all kinds. Just people. Thank you.

  Take care.

  waiting - mother of 3 grown children
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  Windchaser

  Just a little update: Greg and Lauren called me last week to ask me about grandparents and great grandparents. Lauren bought a baby book and they are putting all the family tree info in it. It was so sweet hearing Greg call his grandparents Granny, etc. And he called Lauren, Honey. Again, I am so happy that he seems to be having a normal life and wants me to be a part of it.

  Love you guys. Thanks for caring.
• 

  ESTEE

  ((((((((((Windy!)))))))))

  What a beautiful thing to hear, about you and your son connecting and him telling he loves you!! I'm very happy for you.

  Moreisbetter: your comment "I was such a rotten mother" . Now, you stop saying that! Ok, really, stop it.

  Aztec: Don't ever say you were a rotten mother!

  ARoarer: Don't be so hard on yourself that you believe you are a rotten mother.

  Bikerchic: You hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself, you have your son back in your life and a new daughter in law with a little grandchild on it's way

  LB: Windy you can't have been a rotten mom.

  DakotaRed: You're a better Mom than you think, your son just showed you that.

  One thing I don't agree with you on either, honey. . . is your comment on being a rotten mother. . .(I see I'm not alone in this, either. . .!)

  You are beating yourself up needlessly!!! You were 17 years old, for GAWD sake!. . .and under enormous pressure. . .and with very few people looking out for you - - -or your son's - - - best interests, I dare say!!! Not to mention all the ways you thought you did something bad by getting into trouble . . .or whatever. I figure you did your best . . .with the tools you had to work with at the time.

  I feel sensitive to motherhood issues, since my own children shun me. I must keep reminding myself that I did my best, and now they are adult and must find their own way. To think anything less of myself would hurt too much. . .

  That goes for the jws . . .or the bf who left you . . .or the mother-in-law who thinks you aren't good enough for 'ma boy'. . .or anyone else. . . who perceives you as being not good enough . . .'cuz what they think just doesn't matter. The not good enough thing?. . .just another jw-ism. . .These people have issues and that is their work.

  You are loved, Windy!!!

  (((((HUGS)))))

  Esther