Wind, I am so sorry you have been feeling that bad......... girl............ you should email me and we can talk. Then I can get your number and call you at no charge to either of us after 9 ,,,,,, of course anytime you need to talk would be what I really want. Sometimes talking on the phone on a regular basis can help. I am so glad you are not feeling that way anymore,,,,,,, but please be careful, these things come in waves, be prepared if it hits again.
What you said about the dishcloths reminds me of something I found in my old hope chest the other day.I was searching for a car title and came across a square that my mother had started to knit. It is green, cream and black, she was going to make a small quilt to put over her feet . I picked up the square and just held it to my heart and sobbed. All of a sudden pictures of her , sitting in a gold chair knitting, came to my mind. I even remember she kept the knit in a indian looking basket, which I swear I havent remembered in years. I can see her sitting there with her feet under her as she knitted. I guess we must have been talking in my memory because I can see her looking down and then looking up....... at me I guess.
She never did finish that quilt. I don't have alot of things from my mother,,,,,,,,, but I have this one square. I can't believe the memories tied into that one piece of quilt. I will never, never get rid of it. I just get so sad thinking about something that was made by her town small hands , is still her with me, but she is not. I found some old checks she wrote before she died, and her signature is on them in forever ink, why can't she be here? Her writing looks so alive...... hard to explain, but harder to explain that someone can be here one minute and gone the next,,,,,,, leaving behind reminders of a life that was ended too soon.
I know my mother was in great despair when she ended her life. I can truly understand why she did it , under the circumstances at that time. I only wish she would have held out just a little longer , then maybe she would have had second thoughts.
Windchaser,,,,,,,,,,,,,, don't give up......... if my mom only knew of the things that would have come to her if she would have lived. I could have mended some of the pain that I caused her, we could have been even closer. She wanted to be my friend , but at the time I didnt want to be that close to her, I didnt trust that she was off drugs..... I hate the way I was back then, so judgemental. But I have learned so much, about life, about her, about everything. I would do anything just to have 1 hr to tell her all of this. She would have loved my kids and they would have adored her.
You told us the other day you have reunited with your son....... there are so many things to look forward too,,,,,,, it seems when we are at our lowest , we do lose sight of the good things, but that is just part of the illness of depression.
I am sure you daughter will come around,,,,,,,, just as I did. I just hope for her sake, and yours of course, that you will be here to comfort one another over the past. I just wish that for me so bad, that I have to say that to you,,,,,,, I have to tell you I think it is worth it,,,,,,, staying around. I know from my mom's experience that life is hard, and unbearable for some. But maybe if she had others reaching out to her she would have not done what she did. She was totally alone. And I cry at how sad her last day really was.
(((((((((((((( Wind)))))))))))))))))) I would think it was an honor to have anything made out of love by such a sweet persons hands. I feel that way about my kids things too, all 1 million pictures and love letters they have given me,,,,,,,,, I can't bear to throw anything away....... but I know why.
