Opinions/Advice needed

joannadandy

Ok here is my deal...

For those of you who don't know already I have never been df'd or da'd. I just quit going, and was never baptized. (that will become relevant later)

One of my dearest friends from my Kingdom Hall days, married my other best friend who I have been friends with since he and I were in diapers. Good Times!

Since I left, neither of them has given me the time of day. This doesn't really shock me, after they got married they sort of went off into their own newlywed world, which was to be expected. But at least occasionally they talked to me. It's my opinion that they don't speak to me anymore because I don't attend meetings, and that it's no longer about them being newly weds. I have no proof of this, just my gut feeling.

I found out this spring that she was pregnant, through the grapevine. This hurt me. She and I used to talk about everything. Hell I knew the same night she and my other friend got engagged. I was one of the first people they called. But oh well.

Today my mom tells me that there will be a shower for her on Sunday. She apparantly already had the baby, again unknown to me. (But I guess considering we never talked through the entire pregnancy, I never saw her etc. I shouldn't be too surprised that I be unaware of this either)

Now my mom asked me if I wanted to go. I saw the invitation, it was addressed only to my mother. I am pretty sure they all know I still live with my parents (but it could have been an oversight, but in anycase, wouldn't she have needed my address in case I wasn't living at home anymore?-I know I am over thinking this, but it does hurt-even tho it is only a small slight)

I'm torn. Part of me says, "yeah right, like I wanna go hang out with a bunch of stuffy old JW women who will give me odd looks all afternoon, and why the hell should I care, she and I aren't even speaking anymore, plus, I wasn't invited" Another part of me says "suck it up ya big baby, be happy for your friend who is still your friend no matter what"

My mother thinks I should go. I have to admit, I am leaning towards "no way in hell" myself. What do you all think? Am I a horrible friend if I don't go? Am I clearly NOT invited, or was my invitation implied? (My mom seems to think, "well of course you are invited") How akward is this going to be? And again I've never been df'd or da'd...aren't they idiots for shunning me?

Any comments, thoughts, advice, suggestions, or similar experiences would be helpful! Thanks to all of you who respond in advance.

RandomTask

Well, i guess its obvious that you weren't invited. And although you are still a friend to this girl, she obviously doesn't think much of you cause I guess her frendship for you was based on a religious belief and not actual friendship. The only purpose that could be served by going would be for your mom to see how awful everyone treats you, but then again your mom might reason that its your own fault, I don't know your mom, so I don't know how she'll react.

I wouldn't go, because you don't want to subject yourself to them and their twisted thinking, it could hurt you. You deserve better than that.

xenawarrior

Jo:

It's hard to say whether your invite was implied or not. Ask yourself this... Would you like to have a relationship with her?

It may be one of those things where someone loses touch for whatever reasons, maybe it starts out as bad feelings or just life. And the more time that goes on, folks feel like they've passed "the point of no return" so they just let it go. She may miss you as much as you miss her and may feel like because she pushed you away before, you may not want her now.

In any event, it's a short afternoon get together to check it out. I'd say, if you'd like to have a relationship with her, go for it and see what happens.

XW

Reborn2002

Another part of me says "suck it up ya big baby, be happy for your friend who is still your friend no matter what"

A friend who does not speak to you? Did not tell you she was pregnant? Did not tell you when the baby was born? Did not invite you to the baby shower? (your name is specifically left OFF the invitation, and your mother was not asked to bring you along)

Screw them. If you go you will only be justifying their arrogant action in their own minds of thinking you are groveling before them in desperate need of their approval and companionship.

Edited by - Reborn2002 on 18 December 2002 2:42:29

searcher

Personaly, I would phone her and say something like........"sorry for losing contact, I was giving you time to settle into married lif, how have you been ?"

Then see what reaction you get. At least you will know for sure then.

searcher.

DakotaRed

Joanna, I wouldn't go. Why go where you were not invited? She did not include you in anything, so why should you go and buy her anything. Maybe send a small card with your Mom telling the congratulations on the baby, acting surprised to have found she had one. Express your regrets for not attending, but let it be known you are not there because you weren't included, in a nice way. Throw the guilt back on them.

Lew W

Windchaser

(((((((Joanna))))))) This is tough. Is it possible to call your friends before the shower and tell them that you would like to bring them a gift for the baby? Do you think that they would be honest with you and say if that would make them uncomfortable? If you don't feel good about calling them, maybe you could buy a gift and let your mother take it. I don't know if I'd want to walk into the den of vipers...er...the babyshower put on by jws without giving them notice in advance.

It looks to me like they are shunning you because you are inactive. I think (and mind you, I don't know your whole situation) that your mother is hoping that you will be encouraged to go back to the kh if you are around all the loving jws at this shower. Maybe they would all be nice to you. Maybe your friends would love seeing you again. But, maybe they didn't send you an invitation on purpose. I don't want to see you hurt and you are sort of putting your heart out on the table for them to chop up. You know your friends. If you really want to go, maybe you should call first and tell them that you would like to give them a gift for their baby and how happy you are for them. Then it's up to them to tell you if they want you at the shower.

I'm not the greatest in giving advice (or crocheting dishcloths), but it seems to me that they have shut you out of their lives and, for YOUR sake, you should call them and feel them out...see how they react to you.

Iwasyoungonce

If you want to be with her then do. Really I guess it is silly to believe that a cult member will spend time on those that know that they are full of lies. So just pretend that the cult does not exist. Think of them like addicts. Because that is exactly what they are. They are as closed minded as any bigot. You can reason and plead and scream and cry and bargin...Waste of time.

If you want to be with them then do. Just go. Put on very thick skin because things are not the way that they were when you did cult doctrine drugs. (The movie 28 days) You can not have the relations that you did when you were in. You can have relations but not like before. I have to admit that my experiences over the years were not 100% horrid. (It was one saga after another.) I did have some times that were pretty ok.

I just don't think it is worth all the trouble. They like their drug and until the individual hits rock bottom nothing will set them free.

I listened to Farkel "It has all been said."

I listen to all the hate filled people here. (No more)

I listen to the closed mind of Joe Somedumbutt AKA Gary talk about apostates and the purity of his pimps.

I listen to all the people talk to him. (Pearls to a swine)

I know you love them. I love mine too. But they love their drug more than me. More than their daughter. More than their grandchildren.

I'm tired of thinking about them. I'm tired of them hurting people. My wife just talked to a family member and said in very clear terms "They are all dead TO ME! I don't really care what they think, say, or do." I have always learned from her. Her ways are so simple. I think she leads and I will follow.

They are dead to me.

Take care all. For those of you who believe in a "God in what ever form may it bless you all and keep you safe. For those who no longer need or want a deity may you watch over each other and protect with love those around you.

For me it is time to do my work IRL.

Smiles

Hi joannadandy.

IMO, the fact that you are unsure whether you should go or not, shows that it might not be a good idea. It would probably be very uncomfortable.

Though you are not DF or DA, some there might view you as "bad association".

Just send a baby gift with your Mom if you feel like it.

joannadandy

Windchaser I hate to say it but you are SO WRONG!!

I'm not the greatest in giving advice (or crocheting dishcloths),

You gave me some great advice. Scarlet (in chat) also mentioned the gift idea, and at this point I am with you two on this one, so you give FINE advice.

As for your dishcloths, I have never actually seen them, but the word on the blackmarket dishcloth circuit is that yours are some of the finest.

Thanks to everyone who has responded so far, you've all given me lots to think about, and I will do so when my brain is lessy foggy with the need for sleep...but thanks for your replies, keep them coming!

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