Support for abuse victims survivors

by Lady Lee 18 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

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  Lady Lee

  Support for abuse victims survivors

  Years ago when I started my recovery from abuse and knew I wanted to help others I realized that having lived the experience was not enough to help others. Due to the abuse and my personal experience I had a one-sided perspective of what abuse was and how it affected people. I knew how it affected ME. And I knew well enough that if I wanted to reach out to others I better get some professional training. So I did.

  I have no desire to criticize any person who is trying to help. But one of my pet peeves about the entire field of helping abuse survivors is that most often the least trained, least knowledgeable people are in the positions of "helping" those who are the most damaged.

  In many places where services are provided to victims of abuse students are used to do this intense counseling. This is unfathomable to me. I know when I started this work there were few people who could supervise me. No one had the experience to train me. So I had to do an awful lot of research to make sure I was doing the right thing for people. Fortunately I have made only a few mistakes along the way.

  Now in the context of silentlambs we here again have a situation where people who don not have the training in abuse issues are reaching out to help some of the most damaged people in society. They don't trust - for good reason. Their beliefs about relationships are distorted - for good reason. They have dysfunctional relationships - for good reason.

  And we have some people who think they know what we need by some mystery of osmosis. We know the training the WTS gives its people. It is sadly inadequate to deal with the vast problems that abuse survivors experience. So why do we expect any untrained person to be able to deal with these problems?

  Years ago I went to a support group for victims of incest. The person who started this group had not done her own healing. Instead of working on her issues she was determined to help others. She had originally been in the same group I was in but when that ended she went off and started her own group. I knew her well.

  When I walked into the room I was shocked. After we all sat down I realized that every person in the room was sitting in the exact position she was sitting in - for the whole 2 hours - ankles crossed, hands neatly folded in their laps, back straight. It was eerie to watch. Not feeling they had their own identity each person in the group was taking on the physical posture of the woman who was perceived to be the leader. The power of leadership and the difficulties of victims - believing they all had to be the same to be accepted.

  Because they had relationship problems the group had strict rules about who could talk and when. No one could respond to what another person said because it could be taken the wrong way. One woman spoke of wanting to commit suicide. She said she would leave and wait for a response but the rule said you could not respond so no one did. She repeated it and again waited and no one responded. She finally got up and left. I was horrified. My partner who came with me followed her to make sure she was OK but the group and the leader stuck my their rules not understanding the need for breaking rules sometimes and acting out of compassion - something none of them had experienced and the leader in her dysfunction still knew little about.

  Too often the wounded are left to help themselves. One of my main criticism of the recovery movement is that there seems to be this belief that if you put a bunch of people with relationship, communication, trust, betrayal, identity and personal issues in a room together they will somehow be able to "cure" each other or themselves when in reality all you have is a room full of dysfunctional people acting out their dysfunctions on each other. It is a recipe for disaster.

  I do believe that victims/survivors do have a lot to offer each other. And what they offer is invaluable and cannot be attained any other way.

  The efforts of many to help are to be applauded but they cannot do everything. Some can be spokespeople to get the message out and they can be excellent at that. Others can listen and suggest places for people to get help. Some can share their stories and offer hope and support. But all victims need professional help. There are more and more wonderfully trained professionals out there - certainly a lot more than when I was looking for help.

  No website can offer all things to victims. No one person can do that either - even a professional which is why we encourage people to have a support network.

  Most people are most effective when they tackle one job and do it well This is especially true for those who choose to work with abuse victims/survivors. Bill Bowen has done an amazing job at getting media attention for silentlambs. He has brought the problem out of the closet and let victims inside the WT org. know they are not alone. Some are finding their way to freedom. Excellent job Bill. Keep it up but stay focused. You do this job well. Do not try to be all things to all victims/survivors.

  As for discussion boards which offer support to victims/survivors I believe it would be essential to have some trained volunteers moderate the board. And by trained I mean people who really understand group dynamics, abuse issues, communication problems, and dysfunctional relationships. Otherwise flame wars will wind up hurting many more than you help

  One other aspect for anyone becoming involved in this issue is the need to take care of oneself. Listening to the horror stories of so many often results in "vicarious trauma". Most professionals who deal with any kind of trauma experience this. They often suffer from all the same reactions to abuse as the victims do. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by proxy is another name for it. While you might not experience the trauma yourself you can be affected by hearing the stories. One reaction of many to these symptoms is to keep busy to try to remedy the situation. The more overwhelmed you feel about the enormity of the problem the more you might take on in trying to "help" But a person who is trying to help while they are in crisis themselves only makes the situation worse. We would again have the problem of those who need help trying to lead those who need help. It doesnt work. Believe me I have tried it. In the end you fail and people are disappointed and hurt. Make sure you have good support yourself while doing this work. You will need it.

  Just my personal and yes professional opinion

  Lee Marsh/Lady Lee

  Lee's Recovery Page
  http://members.shaw.ca/leemarsh/home.html edited to change the folder it was in

  Edited by - Lady Lee on 20 December 2002 13:19:28
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  Xandria

  Lady Lee,

  I agree with you on the need for balance and people who are trained to handle the issues that come up with abuse survivors, etc. There is so much un-balance that much of SL is going to suffer. First of all, you need a strong foundation free of inner strife with the SL organization. There is no room for head trips, egos or games. If you are going to make yourself responsible for helping someone. Make sure you have the right tools to do so. Network with Health Care Educators they can give you the right people for counseling.

  If you are not in balance how are you going to help someone else ?

  Food for thought here.

  Xandria
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  wednesday

  I really believe that when Bill set out to expose the WTS he probalby had not thought all of this through. his goal was exposure, and he's doing great. but now we have the survivors and what to do with them.. SL is a work in progress.

  I really enjoy your posts and i am glad u are out ther to help abuse survivors.
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  Lady Lee

  I doubt anyone could have imagined the explosion of victims coming forward and beginning to speak out. Who imagined that so many had been hurt.

  And it is so easy to say we should oe he should have known. But I do agree some method of referring people to supports would be good even at this stage. And a peer support system can be useful as long as everyone has professional support close by.

  This is a complex problem and victims have complex reactions to it. Just discloing a history of abuse raises many serious issues for people. And if we are going to raise the issues and have a forum for disclosure then the supports need to be there for those who come forward. To do less is unethical in my opinion.

  But we can learn from experience and move forward and find the resources to help those who need it the most ---- which is what this is all about after all.
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  Big Tex

  Lady Lee

  What you have written is brilliant. As Englishman would say, you are "spot on". This is the most concise and insightful look into not only Silent Lambs but also self-help groups in general. It should be required reading for anyone wanting to fully understand survivors but also the interpersonal dynamics of recovery groups.

  Not feeling they had their own identity each person in the group was taking on the physical posture of the woman who was perceived to be the leader. The power of leadership and the difficulties of victims - believing they all had to be the same to be accepted.

  This, to me, perfectly encapsulates Silent Lambs. Don't get me wrong, I applaud what Bill has done. It is long overdue and he has done more for JW abuse survivors than anyone else. But so many times victims have identity problems, self-esteem problems and mainly trust issues (especially trusting in themselves!). I do see a certain sense of parroting going on, which is unfortunate but not unexpected. Sometimes if a leader has such a strong personality, they also need the wisdom to sense this (especially in such a sensitive area of abuse) and step back, just a little. Yes there is a time to be strong and fight the good fight, but not all the time. The rigidity and control over topics at the board comes to mind. A victim does indeed need a safe place to come, but they also need to feel free to express themselves. It does appear to me as if Silent Lambs, as well as other outlets, could use advice and direction from several professionals (more than one), who are trained in treating abuse survivors so as to provide proper direction for the movement.

  It is difficult to be all things to all people.

  Chris
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  Mulan

  Wow! Thank you for a wonderful, insightful post.

  Many of us, who have been out of the WTS for awhile, have been critical of their elders attempting to help people with very serious problems without any training. This is a situation where the same thing applies.

  Maybe it's time for professionals to get invovled.
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  Lady Lee

  Thanks Tex - just observations on my part. I think it is difficult to stop the momentum once it gets started. Many of the people who have gotten involved in the whole JW abuse scandal are freshly out of the WT - some just in the process of leaving. They are still in a state of shock themsleves and one thing that many victims do immmediately after a trauma is to try find some way to distract themselves from the hurt of the trauma - very understandable. I did it myself - dove into school. But I also dove into therapy - immersed myself in reading everything I could get my hands on; got individual counseling and was in a group - not a great group but it helped to know I wasn't alone and that I wasn't as disgusting a person as I thought. I had no sense of self even before I became a JW as a result of the abuse in my early life so finding that took time. Learning what I liked and didn't like instead of mimicking others as I did in the borg was a challenge and I learned to make it fun - a sense of humor goes a long way.

  For those who were abused sexually in the org they have to deal with the double abuse of the WT doctrines as most ex-JWs do but the pain they hold goes so much deeper. and therefore there is so much more work to do. Triggers are a contstant danger sending a person whilring into a path of self hatred and self destruction if a person does not have adequate support close by.

  Just a note I have only been to the "other" board once very briefly so cannot comment on it.
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  Lady Lee

  Hi Mulan yes people need to get involved with professionals. The boards that exist might not need professionals as monitors but at least they need some consultants to help them deal with some of these serious issues.
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  Reality524

  But a person who is trying to help while they are in crisis themselves only makes the situation worse. We would again have the problem of those who need help trying to lead those who need help. It doesnt work. Believe me I have tried it. In the end you fail and people are disappointed and hurt. Make sure you have good support yourself while doing this work. You will need it.

  Just my personal and yes professional opinion

  Lee Marsh/Lady Lee

  This is so true! I too know from experience that to try to save others when your own emotional state is compromised is indeed dangerous. Thank you for the professionalism aspect of your post.

  Edited by - Reality524 on 21 December 2002 19:51:14
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  waiting

  Hey Lee,

  Remarkable post - truly insightful. Abuse victims, who happen to be jw's victims also, have a tremendous amount of emotional turmoil to work through. The problem, unfortunately, is that we don't know what most of these problems are, or how to fix them - even if we could identify them. And being human, sometimes we just feel the want or need to fix. We get tired.

  Therapy, support groups, reading, just plain ol' ponderin' - and talking, talking, talking helps. Ultimately? I feel a lot of it is up to the individual. Perhaps not even by choice - just the way the dice rolls.

  Interesting that so many responses come back to discuss Bowen - and not the victims. I think one reason is that it's easier. Victims are so damned messy. We want them to speak up......but what do we DO with them then? lol - I can say that, I'm a victim/survivor too.

  And I personally think victims will back off from speaking out if they don't feel at least a limited amount of solidity in whoever/whatever they're placing very limited trust. Anyone who's an xjw should be able to understand that - just magnify the distrust enormously.

  Interesting post, Lee. Thank you.

  waiting