The Atheist

by target 16 Replies latest social humour

• 

  Gizmo

  Walking on Water

  It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants
  to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up
  to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
  "Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"
  So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake....and falls
  knee deep in water.

  Moses says, "Well....maybe you need a head start or something, why not
  go to the end of the dock and try."

  So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and
  falls up to his waist.

  Moses says, " Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the
  lake and try there."

  So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about
  to step off and try again when...

  Moses says, "Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state
  of mind you were in the first time you did it."

  So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he's all
  psyched up, and steps out of the canoe.... ..and precedes to drown.
  So Moses does the water parting thing, and pulls Jesus up into the boat.
  Jesus is just beating himself up over this. He just doesn't see what's
  going wrong here. Moses just stares down at the bottom of the boat.
  Suddenly, Moses says, "I got it! I know what's wrong! Did you have those
  holes in your feet last time?!?!"
• 

  Gizmo

  Why God never got a PhD
  -----------------------

  1. He had only one major publication.
  2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
  3. It has no references.
  4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
  5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
  6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
  then?
  7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
  8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
  9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
  10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
  subjects.
  11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
  the sample.
  12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
  13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
  14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
  15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
  failed his tests.
  16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top
• 

  Robdar

  Did you have those holes in your feet last time?!?!"

  LMAO...funny, dude.

  Robyn
• 

  onacruse

  A priest, a Muslim, a Buddhist and an atheist were on an overseas flight. They naturally got into a spirited argument about God.

  There was a midflight explosion, and the atheist finds himself free-falling at 20,000 feet. He figures "hey, what have I got to lose?" So he calls out "Yahweh, oh great Yahweh, save me, save me!"

  Nothing happens. Now at 15,000 feet.

  He figures "hey, what have I got to lose?" So he calls out "Allah, oh great Allah, save me, save me!"

  Nothing happens. Now at 10,000 feet.

  He figures "hey, what have I got to lose?" So he calls out "Buddha, oh great Buddha, save me, save me!"

  Suddenly, two great hands appear out of the sky, cup underneath the atheist, and slowly bring him to a halt at 5,000 feet.

  The atheist, overcome with emotion and shock, says "Oh, THANK GOD!"

  Swoosh, the hands disappear.
• 

  Gizmo

  Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

  "See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?

  "Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."

  "Tears sprang from Jesus' eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.

  The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"
• 

  Gizmo

  Top 21 Good Things About Hell

  21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.

  20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.

  19. Your "Do you smell something burning?" slays 'em, year after year.

  18. Plenty of legal help available for filing "wrongful death" lawsuit.

  17. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you're back in LA.

  16. Satan's confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining.

  15. No need to pack the parka over Bob Dole's election chances.

  14. Well, sure, it's hot, but it's a *dry* heat.

  13. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!

  12. The surprisingly entertaining "Hitler and Kathie Lee Show."

  11. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.

  10. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.

  9. Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!

  8. Big step up from Bakersfield.

  7. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.

  6. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's).

  5. Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that date with Cindy Crawford.

  4. 52 smmmmmokin' channels of Jim Carrey!

  3. Saturday night WTBTS tag-team bout between Uncle Milty, Franz the Impaler, and The russelite tag team.

  2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan's knee.

  1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." t-shirts

  Edited by - elderrepents on 21 December 2002 1:52:29

  Edited by - elderrepents on 21 December 2002 1:54:19
• 

  gumby

  And the bear clapped his paws together and said...
  
  "Thank you God for this meal Im about to receive"

  Let's see.....the bear was a Christian and the man wanted to remain Atheist. The first thing the Christian wanted to do was shed blood and kill the non-believer..............good story, as this rhymes perfectly with religious history!

  Be careful target! Some of these x-dubbers are like pissed off pit bulls just waiting to leap.....especially heaven.....she's a wildcat

  Actually it's not you....it's the idea that appeared and comments were made about the "idea"

  Unless you were dogging Atheist's, it wasn't you remarks were made to you that were negative....if you were doing that....then you got it back.....fair is fair.