Will the guilt pass?

by rebel 18 Replies latest jw experiences

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  rebel

  "And let us consider one another to incite to love and fine works, not forsaking the gathering of ourselves together, as some have the custom....."

  I didn't go to the meeting today (again) and I felt dreadful. My family went and I stayed behind. When they had gone, I broke down in tears - I felt so bad.

  Then I started thinking - why do I feel so guilty about not going? I have some good friends who are JWs and they hate it when I don't go. They ring me up and plead with me. They don't like it when I am not there. Then there's my family - they hate it when I stay behind. I feel so bad because I think I am letting everyone down. I almost went today, but I just couldn't. The thought of it just made me so depressed, but I hate the fact that I am making so many people feel bad too by not being there. Then I kept thinking about the above scripture in Hebrews and I felt even worse. How long does it take for the pain to go? I can't have a breakdown every time my family go to the KH without me. Then I started thinking, maybe I could just go and be there in mind but not body. But some people have said and done such hurtful things (mainly 2 particular elders), when I see them I get angry, so it is best I stay behind. I also feel a hypocrite when I attend meetings because I don't accept half of what they teach. I feel in such a tizzy.

  xxR
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  back2dafront

  I can relate. That's pretty much how I was feeling about my life for a whole year prior to leaving. Felt like I was living the JW lifestyle for the sake of my family and friends. That wasn't being true to myself though. As much as I love my family and friends, to belong to an organization I don't agree with is not right. It's giving a false pretense of myself, and that bothered me more than anything else. I'll never forget the last meeting I attended - knowing it was the last time I'd ever see a lot of those people, and knowing it was my last meeting as an active Witness. I even gave the closing prayer. I was extremely anxious to get on with my life, but it was difficult to leave behind hundreds of really good, close friends.

  If you have serious doubts about the faith, you should research them to the best of your ability and then make a stand either with the Witnesses or without. I'll tell you one thing, I will not begin to pretend that I didn't have very good times while being a Witness, however the happiness I have now is uncomparable. The only times I'm unhappy is when I think about the friendships lost, but I can only hope that maybe someday some of those, if not all of them, will be restored. Decisions like these aren't easy, but being true to myself means a heck of a lot to me. I do not like to be mis-represented in any way, and being one of Jehovah's Witnesses went against so many things that I felt were right. Gotta do what you gotta do. I'm sure others will have encouraging things to say as well. Hang in there!!

  back2dafront
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  Sentinel

  Obviously you are having conflicting emotions. Let me tell you a bit about how it was with me right before I made the final "cut".

  I would ask my son, did he want to go to the meeting. If he said yes, or I don't know, then I would make the effort and begin the drive into town. So many times, on the road, I would ask him again if he really wanted to go to the meeting, or if he'd rather just go to the drug store for some ice cream and soda, or in the winter, for a hot cocoa. He'd always give me the answer "I needed". I didn't want to have to bear the "guilt" for not taking him if that's where he wanted to go. He was probably twelve at the time. But a mature twelve. He knew lots that was going on, and he just wanted "to make me happy".

  So, I thought I was making him happy by trying to take him to meetings, which he really didn't want to go to, but he thought he would make me sad, if he said he didn't want to go.

  Talk about emotionally unstable!! Anyway, you have to do what you heart tells you to do, and keep other's feelings and emotions out of it. If you make a stand, you might be surprised that it will have more of a positive affect on others than a negative. Obviously, you feel the stronger need to stay away from meetings. Go with your own heart and the way you feel. Don't try to please everyone else. They mean well, but they are obviously still borg. You are being shown a freedom they are afraid of, still.

  You need to begin to make new friends on the outside and build on those relationships. This world is a good place and so are most people in it. That is so contrary to the teachings of JW's. Don't let guilt rule your world.

  Now, go fix yourself a nice cup of hot cocoa, prop your feet up and enjoy being yourself!
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  jst2laws

  Rebel,

  You are understandably concerned about offending and disappointing friends and family. But you cannot spend your entire life living for them. Your desire to please your friends is because you are a good person. Eventually a good person has to decide they will no longer let misinformed people control the direction of their lives.

  If your guilt is because you have a nagging feeling that despite your doubts you should be at the meetings then you need to resolve this. Is your conscience guided by all the information available or is it overly influenced by your indoctrination? Keep reading, Ray Franz's, Penton, Carl Olof Jonnson and others, visit here for association and confirmation.

  The 'pain' will go away. If you keep confirming your own beliefs you will eventually feel confident of yourself, have no more guilt or regrets, and will actually feel pity for those who have not discovered what you have. Hang on, it only takes time.

  Jst2laws

  Edited by - Jst2laws on 22 December 2002 18:37:2
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  A Paduan

  Rebel,

  On behalf of another family who will be spared the lies of the wt, similar entrapments, distress and bondage, due to your unwillingness to accept and comply with falsehood - I thank you.

  paduan - smile, you've done well
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  rebel

  Thanks back2dafront & Sentinel - your comments helped.

  I find it hard to relax - constant butterflies in my stomach etc. I know I need to be patient and give everyone else time to get used to the 'new' me. I just hate to hurt people that I love. I know they have to make their own lives and so do I, but I just wish this panicky feeling would go. I know that there are many thngs I have been taught over the past 12 years or so that have helped me, so it is such a shame that it should be spoilt by dictatorial morons who seem to take pleasure in other people's misery. I will miss going to the KH and I will miss my friends, but at least it will give me a chance to know who my true friends are. I am expecting many to shun me out of fear once it becomes common knowledge that I am no longer attending meetings, but I am preparing myself for that. I just don't know why I panic when my family go to meetings without me. This real fear grips me - I don't know where it's coming from. I suppose I need to take things slowly and things will settle eventually.

  xxR
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  rebel

  jst2laws & A Paduan,

  Thank you for your kindness. I have had doubts for a long, long time, but was never brave enough to confront them before. I am so thankful for this forum.

  xxR
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  DannyBear

  rebel,

  It takes years to deprogram your brain cells.

  Half or more of the attendee's at every KH across the globe, recite Hebrews when considering thier own lack of interest in attending the meetings. Why do you think the wtbs keeps repeating the admonition and that particular scripture so much?

  It is one of the most incidious, cultlike, methods known. Inspire guilt, people will do almost anything to relieve it. What else would inspire so many to act like robots? Certainly not anything said from the pages/platform. Most of the stuff is rehashed time after time............even so called 'new light' is now considered by most jw's as old news, perhaps with a new slant or different application, but it is all regurgitated Freddie Franz, in one way or another.

  It saddens me to read how much folks like you and Sentinel have given, to satisfy the whims of some old codgers in Brooklyn, who don't have the sense to see that thier own flock is wilting away from the burdens they continue to apply.

  Prior to 1975 there was a real urgency to attending meetings (thanks again to Freddie), after 1995 reversal of the bedrock doctrine of 1914, you tell me what urgency is there? They have nothing to offer anymore............just re, rewarmed, and rewarmed again, same ole repetitive nonsense. Is it a wonder you don't want to go?

  I hope you just decide to stop feeling guilty.........because no one else can do it for you. It is a milestone when you get there........... and you will.

  Danny
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  out4good3

  You are understandably concerned about offending and disappointing friends and family. Bit up cannot spend your entire life living for them. You desire to please your friends is because you are a good person. Eventually a good person has to decide they will no longer let misinformed people control the direction of their lives.

  I spent a couple of years going to meetings trying to be the good JW for friends and family and it made me more miserable then when I was fully indoctrinated. Everytime I went the look on my face told everyone around me that I was irritated, unapproachable, and that I REALLY didn't want to be there. I found that I was killing a little bit of myself everytime I went and only postphoning the inevitable confrontation.

  The eventual stand I took coupled with the two years of WT and meeting confrontations with my wife finally got her to see that I was a better happier person if she agreed that my relationship with or lack thereof with Jehovah was my business an no one else's. In the end you finally have to decide that you have to be the person you need and want to be and not the person the WT, the congregation, or individual JW's expect you to be.
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  Shakita

  rebel:

  Lots of good advice here. There is really no magic pill to feeling totally free from the WT. It takes time and courage. And, in the end, we will carry around the scars of being in a cult high control group for the rest of our lives. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. This is very important to remember. The feelings of guilt will lessen with time.

  Take care,

  Mrs. Shakita